Today, I want to shine some light on a topic which in some ways is given so much press and in another is SUPRESSED so much. I ask Allah to guide me and I ask readers to understand that I write from a place of compassion.. The thing about wearing muslim garb (as a women) is that people have this notion (thanks to Hollywood and the media) that muslim women are oppressed and forced to cover. Covering is not the topic for this post.
The topic today is abuse. Spousal abuse. And I'm not talking about abuse on women, I'm talking about abuse on MEN. You read right, sister. Abuse of women on MEN. Wives, on husbands. Those meek, quiet, socially loved sisters who turn into Medusa when the front door shuts and drag everyone into a conspiracy of silence.
There are many husbands out there who live lives of quiet desperation, torn between their desire to run and their drive to protect. Protect themselves, their family, their children. This article would go on for days if I began to quote all the hadith and ayats about how a man should be in Islam; the protector, the guide, the shepherd, kind, understanding, tolerant, a covering for the wife, hiding her sins from the world (as she should hide his). Women are supposed to be the heart of the home, the comforter, the nourisher, the uplifter, the covering for the man. But in many instances the abusive wife will not miss an opportunity to run her man down in private, and eventually it becomes public. This is abusive and disrespectful. From there, the shouting begins, the running him down in front of children (if there are any) and hiding behind "joking" attitudes until they are simply openly vicious. Always, it's excused. It's PMS, its STRESS, its THE CHILDREN, its PRESSURE FROM OUTSIDE. Every justification can be saught and found when one desires, and the man who is abused, desiring peace, finds these quite easily without help. What he doesn't realise is that he ends up sinking deeper and deeper into the web of this black heart who, if she gets her way, will become the black widow as the man withers away. To everyone on the outside, they are fine. She is fine. He is fine. He may be competent in the corporate world and she may be dynamic at the PTA; she may speak out against abuse and even be well loved. That's the thing about abuse - the monster in the cupboard waits until the door is closed on the outside world..
So the sad fact is that too many women living in abuse get told to "make subr, sister". But what happens to the MEN who are living under abuse? You heard me. The MEN. Studies have shown that husband abuse is on the rise. The quran has given warnings against the evil in women. Now this doesn't women are all evil or that all women are evil. But AS a woman I can tell you that of all the people I've known, the most vicious physical abuse towards a wife that I've ever seen has come from a man, and the most vicious, cruel and hateful psychological and emotional and even spiritual abuse has come from A WOMAN.
The men, husbands and fathers, are supposed to be pillars of "Sabr" or "Subr", examples of society, "pious" men who would never abandon a home! Spousal abuse on women has received so much press (rightly so) that the oppression of men has all but disappeared into mythology (wrongly so). SUBR is an arabic word means many things in english. There isn't one word to describe it. Sabr means patience with endurance, it means perseverance, and consistency. It deals with being able to be silent when silence is needed. So all too often, muslims (men and women) in abusive situations hide behind the word "subr" so as to not do something about oppression or abuse. They can't do anything because they feel powerless and also because they believe in the concept of the family. (Abusers typically pick their victims that way, years before the abuse begins.) But subr doesn't mean you become passive, you loose your voice, or you remain hog-tied into abusive relationships forever, hiding behind the banner of Subr as though that is what the Nabi (saw) wanted, because he ALSO said that oppression of any kind is NOT permissable in Islam. It is not permitted by ALLAH himself, who has made oppression taboo even for HIM, much less for us humans!
Remember back when rape was something that was turned against the victim? Remember when she didn't report it because people would say that she had somehow 'asked' for it? Well, that's what many men go through with emotional, verbal and psychological abuse from their wives, particularly when they (the men) are supposed to be the shepherd.. - that same victimisation as though they must've done something to "ask" for the wife to be as she is - abusive, violent, explosive, demeening, degrading and causing shame. People who eventually are allowed into the circle of trust by the man may even react with "oh but you're a MAN how can you allow that?" of "But such a pillar of society, how do you let a woman do that!" or "Nah, she doesn't strike me as the type, you must've done something to provoke her, brother." One must understand how hurtful it is, and they just don't GET that a man can feel just as TRAPPED as a woman.
There are many husbands out there who live lives of quiet desperation, torn between their desire to run and their drive to protect. Protect themselves, their family, their children. This article would go on for days if I began to quote all the hadith and ayats about how a man should be in Islam; the protector, the guide, the shepherd, kind, understanding, tolerant, a covering for the wife, hiding her sins from the world (as she should hide his). Women are supposed to be the heart of the home, the comforter, the nourisher, the uplifter, the covering for the man. But in many instances the abusive wife will not miss an opportunity to run her man down in private, and eventually it becomes public. This is abusive and disrespectful. From there, the shouting begins, the running him down in front of children (if there are any) and hiding behind "joking" attitudes until they are simply openly vicious. Always, it's excused. It's PMS, its STRESS, its THE CHILDREN, its PRESSURE FROM OUTSIDE. Every justification can be saught and found when one desires, and the man who is abused, desiring peace, finds these quite easily without help. What he doesn't realise is that he ends up sinking deeper and deeper into the web of this black heart who, if she gets her way, will become the black widow as the man withers away. To everyone on the outside, they are fine. She is fine. He is fine. He may be competent in the corporate world and she may be dynamic at the PTA; she may speak out against abuse and even be well loved. That's the thing about abuse - the monster in the cupboard waits until the door is closed on the outside world..
So the sad fact is that too many women living in abuse get told to "make subr, sister". But what happens to the MEN who are living under abuse? You heard me. The MEN. Studies have shown that husband abuse is on the rise. The quran has given warnings against the evil in women. Now this doesn't women are all evil or that all women are evil. But AS a woman I can tell you that of all the people I've known, the most vicious physical abuse towards a wife that I've ever seen has come from a man, and the most vicious, cruel and hateful psychological and emotional and even spiritual abuse has come from A WOMAN.
The men, husbands and fathers, are supposed to be pillars of "Sabr" or "Subr", examples of society, "pious" men who would never abandon a home! Spousal abuse on women has received so much press (rightly so) that the oppression of men has all but disappeared into mythology (wrongly so). SUBR is an arabic word means many things in english. There isn't one word to describe it. Sabr means patience with endurance, it means perseverance, and consistency. It deals with being able to be silent when silence is needed. So all too often, muslims (men and women) in abusive situations hide behind the word "subr" so as to not do something about oppression or abuse. They can't do anything because they feel powerless and also because they believe in the concept of the family. (Abusers typically pick their victims that way, years before the abuse begins.) But subr doesn't mean you become passive, you loose your voice, or you remain hog-tied into abusive relationships forever, hiding behind the banner of Subr as though that is what the Nabi (saw) wanted, because he ALSO said that oppression of any kind is NOT permissable in Islam. It is not permitted by ALLAH himself, who has made oppression taboo even for HIM, much less for us humans!
Remember back when rape was something that was turned against the victim? Remember when she didn't report it because people would say that she had somehow 'asked' for it? Well, that's what many men go through with emotional, verbal and psychological abuse from their wives, particularly when they (the men) are supposed to be the shepherd.. - that same victimisation as though they must've done something to "ask" for the wife to be as she is - abusive, violent, explosive, demeening, degrading and causing shame. People who eventually are allowed into the circle of trust by the man may even react with "oh but you're a MAN how can you allow that?" of "But such a pillar of society, how do you let a woman do that!" or "Nah, she doesn't strike me as the type, you must've done something to provoke her, brother." One must understand how hurtful it is, and they just don't GET that a man can feel just as TRAPPED as a woman.
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MEN HURT TOO!
A [true] Muslim is he from whose tongue and hand other believers remain safe
(Bukhārī, Muslim).
The greatest force of a ship is its rudder, yet it is the smallest part. Similarly with the human being, the greatest force is the tongue; the strongest muscle, but the smallest. "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words can never hurt me." they sang at school. But no, they do more - words break you, twist you inside out, leave you hanging, leave you hopeless, leave you screaming inside with no escape and leave you (at the same time) convinced you simply cannot leave because of "the children", "the community" and "you will be blamed" . Words can do more than break bones; they are the force that can break the human spirit, irrevocably damage the psyche and forever taint the way that person sees his/her relationships in the future - always waiting for the "other shoe" to drop.
This is no joking matter and it is no shame on a man that he is abused. The shame is on the woman doing the abuse. The sin is not on the man for being "not quiet enough, not cooperative enough" - some men will simply NEVER BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING RIGHT regardless of what they do, in the eyes of the wife. Often, the abusive wife is perceived as a lovely person by outsiders, a gentle soul, even a pillar of the community or family. You see, abusers are often (although not always) highly intelligent individuals who can paint your own words into arrows and shoot them straight through your soul and heart faster than a deadly shot in an execution chamber. They can also be straight forward selfish individuals who really don't give a hoot about anyone but themselves. Egotistic, medically bipolar, and even a touch psychotic.
Righteousness is good character, and sin is what causes uneasiness in your heart and what
you dislike others to become aware of (Muslim, Tirmidhī).
When it comes to wife abuse, there are alhamdolilah resources for women being abused; there are places of safety, there are counseling venues. Every heart softens when a woman speaks of being abused (unless you're just plain heartless!) But what of the man? What does a MAN being abused come up against? He's told to "man up" or to "make subr". But only he knows what suffering goes on behind closed doors and there are many men who end up dead because of the abuse - what good are they to anyone, then? It is just as hard for a man to walk out of an abusive relationship as it is for a woman, so why not support the brother who is quietly screaming on the inside? And if and when the time comes for him to walk out, don't judge the brother who has, but walk alongside him and the little ones if there are any. Somehow the man is expected to just know what to do, but its high time that IF he choses his right to walk out, we as an Ummah should not pin him as a bad father, as a bad community member, or as looked down upon as the sinner when in fact he is the victim.
The Quran gives the man clear guidance regarding Talaq (divorce) and how it should be used if and when the time comes. Although the Arsh of Allah shakes when talaq is mentioned, it is nonetheless permissable because Allah does not wish to see opression for either husband or wife. In Surah An Nisa, (Chapter 34) of the Quran, as well as in various hadith, it is made clear how a man should deal with abuse from a wife and indeed divorce IS a choice he has; although it is a difficult one to make if he does not consider that the abuse that children see today may be the abuse they suffer or perpetrate tomorrow. It is a heart-wrenching and difficult choice to make - keep the family but teach abuse or walk away but then the family is dismantled. An emotionally and psychologically abusive wife does not change, it's character, not a learned behaviour. Physical abuse is in some ways easier to control and change than emotional and psychological abuse because these come from the character make-up of the individual, and character is the proverbial spots on the leopard.
In islamic teaching, dealing with wife abuse has stages - of admonishen, stages of separation, and stages of complete cutting of the chains that hold the abuse in place (open to choice of course). There are some misconceptions regarding means of correction but for the one with the right intention and a clean heart it is pretty clear that "BEATING UP THE WIFE TO TEACH HER A LESSON" is not permissable for then one simply becomes the abuser and that further destroys the fabric of the home.
In islamic teaching, dealing with wife abuse has stages - of admonishen, stages of separation, and stages of complete cutting of the chains that hold the abuse in place (open to choice of course). There are some misconceptions regarding means of correction but for the one with the right intention and a clean heart it is pretty clear that "BEATING UP THE WIFE TO TEACH HER A LESSON" is not permissable for then one simply becomes the abuser and that further destroys the fabric of the home.
It doesn't take a pious person to following Quranic process or to stand by someone who is doing so - it takes a muslim. It takes a muslim not to back bite him or her in the outcome, if he or she chooses to leave. Deen first, culture second. Allah first, opinions second.
Essentially, why its harder for a muslim man to deal with a wife's abuse than a man, say, from any other faith, is that in Islam, the more civil and the kinder is a Muslim to his wife, the more perfect of faith he has; a man is taught to fear God with reference to two meek beings, woman and orphan. The Holy Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, stressed kindness and good treatment of wives.
BUT the Holy Quran also says:
“keep them in good fellowship, or let them go in kindness (2:229) so if there is no good fellowship, what then?Follow the steps. Then decide:
“keep them in good fellowship, or let them go in kindness (2:229) so if there is no good fellowship, what then?Follow the steps. Then decide:
“Retain them in kindness, or set them free in kindness, and retain them not for injury.” (2:231)
In other words, brothers, “Retain them in kindness" do what you can to maintain the ties, follow the quranic injunctions and processes. BUT IF you've done all you can - followed the processes in Shariah, made your sabr, done your "time" and kindness is still a vague thing left for the cycle of abuse under "happytimes" then you HAVE THE CHOICE “set them free in kindness, and retain them not for injury.” (2:231) - for surely Allah does not like the wrongdoers and it may be that he has something better in store for you.
Things are slowly changing as people perceive the abuse of men; there IS hope out there for brothers living in abusive situations and the resources are growing. If you know of a brother going through abuse, or suspect it, then modesty and haya will dictate how you handle that but IF you can, IF your relationship is close:
“If you see something wrong, try to change it with your hand. If you cannot, speak out against it. And if you cannot, then at the very least feel that in your heart and this is the weakest level of Iman (faith).” (Muslim)
Brothers, sisters, when did "making subr" become equated to "doing nothing"? Silence is the tool of the abuser. If silence wins, abuse wins. When did Allah make being "passive" the solution? When did Allah say that you have to BE abused, that someone - anyone- has the right to take away your rights, has the right to denegrade or oppress you, has the right to torture you? When did Allah say that, having done all, you need to simply endure, forever? When did Allah give ANYONE the right to be your ALLAH over HIM to dictate how you should live, where you should go, what you should eat, what you can say or not say, how you should sit or stand or walk (because abusers will try to do this saying they aren't controling you, they are just trying to better you). When do we take give ALLAH his rightful place in our homes.
There comes a time when an abused man walks away - either out of the house, or into the grave. Hopefully, he takes counsel and sees an Aalim for advice. Because, Allah doesn't sleep, and He also says you should help the oppressor by stopping the oppression which piles sin upon his/her head. I believe passivity only extends the pain of the innocent ones involved in these abusive relationships. Men who have overcome abuse testify to the fact that it was breaking the silence that helped them to overcome the problem or walk away into a happier time. Physical scars go away. Psychological scars sometimes never heal.
There comes a time when an abused man walks away - either out of the house, or into the grave. Hopefully, he takes counsel and sees an Aalim for advice. Because, Allah doesn't sleep, and He also says you should help the oppressor by stopping the oppression which piles sin upon his/her head. I believe passivity only extends the pain of the innocent ones involved in these abusive relationships. Men who have overcome abuse testify to the fact that it was breaking the silence that helped them to overcome the problem or walk away into a happier time. Physical scars go away. Psychological scars sometimes never heal.
The most virtuous
jihād is when one speaks a word of truth before an unjust ruler (Abū Dāwūd, Tirmidhī, Ibn Māja). So to all the sisters out there (or brothers)who may be these "Silent abusers", I say to you ALLAH IS WATCHING YOU. He sees what you do and he has seen the blackness in your heart to which you have given in as though it were food. Beware, for what you have today you may lose tomorrow, by your own hand and your own tongue and through nobody's fault but your very own.
And to all the brothers (or sisters) out there who may be these "silent victims", I say to you that YOU are not alone. ALLAH IS WATCHING YOU and whilst he asks you to make subr, you have a duty to protect those you bring into this world from learning that "He who shouts louder /hurts better/ fights dirtier reigns" - the lesson the abuser teaches.
Essentially, brothers and sisters, Allah has no partners. No wife is more important than Allah and no husband is more important than Allah. If you do his/her will above your duty to Allah, consider who you are serving.. is it fear, is it subr, is it your spouse?
There are more of you abused than you imagine. For interest sake, statistics show that in 90% of cases of emotional and psychological abuse, the MAN is the victim, not the woman. You don't get to hit back, you don't get to strike back - that's the subr bit. But you DO get to rally the troops, seek your own mental stability, and even walk away if it continues, to walk in the path of Allah unhindered by a "demigod".
Allah has not made you a slave to anyone but HIM. LA ILAHA IL ALLAH
Silence is the tool of the abuser - to silence the abused, to make them conform, to eventually erode them to the point where they will not dare leave for the fear that all her threats become reality.
But they ARE just that - fear. And ALLAH is the greatest Helper.
Studies have shown that emotional and psychological abuse eventually, in 98% of cases, becomes physical. And then, it escalates. The cycle of abuse is that all is well, apart from the subversive eroding of your image first in private then in public - then there is an explosive situation, and the abuse kicks in full force - often escalating from the previous incident.
RESOURCES FOR ABUSED MEN
FREE EBOOKS:
For an ebook on spousal abuse, download the FREE RESOURCE "Heart2heart for men" or "heart2heart for women" on http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/ This is the single most valuable site I can recommend, with chat groups and forum discussions for men.
http://dahmw.org/ - booklet on emotional abuse of men in intimate relationships
WEBSITES:
Websites that provide many valuable articles and assistance to men in abusive relationships:
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com
www.safe4all.org
www.themenscenter.com
www.batteredmen.com
www.mensadviceline.org.uk
ARTICLES AND HELPFUL INFORMATION:
- Healthy Relationships - Information Sheet
- Know Your Rights: Alberta's Protection Against Family Violence Act (PAFVA) - Information Sheet
- Child Abuse/Children Exposed to Family Violence - Information Sheet
- Child Abuse/Children Exposed to Family Violence - Booklet
- Women Abused in Intimate Relationships - Information Sheet
- Women Abused in Intimate Relationships - Booklet
- Men Abused by Women - Information Sheet
- Men Abused by Women - Booklet
- Abuse in Same Sex and LGBTQ* Relationships - Information Sheet
- Abuse in Same Sex and LGBTQ* Relationships - Booklet
- English Express Family Violence Insert
- Aboriginal Journey to Healing - Information Sheet
- Translated Resources
- Supports for Albertans Fleeing Abuse
- Dr Claudia Carnell on the emotional abuse of women BY women - http://www.theupperdeck.com/?p=641
I make duah that you never have to deal with an abuser, never suffer abuse. I make duah that if you do, you are able to do what the Quran and the Nabi says, and I make duah that La Ilaha prevail in your heart, and in your life.. insh'Allah Ameen.
THIS IS DEDICATED TO THE BROTHERS WHO STRUGGLE WITH ABUSE - BECAUSE MEN HURT TOO
Excellent article! This is exactly what I wanted to say but couldn't. It is very, very sad that some muslim women completely disregard the laws of Allah and treat their husbands like a piece of trash. I have watched my brother suffer in silence for the last 7 years. 2 kids later life is still the same. The minute he enters home, he is greeted with shouting, yelling, blaming and ridicule. Everything is his fault, if kids don't eat it's his fault, if they drop something, its' his fault. And the weirdest part of it all is that the abuser thinks that she is the victim! I fear for my brother, I fear that he will lose his sanity some day or even worse. But there is no way out. He loves his kids too much. The abusing wife will always use kids as blackmail, she knows that she will get to keep the kids and it's the father that will be left alone. May Allah guide our women. Please make dua for my brother and the millions out there who are dealing with an abusive wife.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous; I believe that for so very long Islam has been "hamered" about so-called abuse and oppression of us muslim women, that there appears to be this insidious attitude of entitlement by many muslim women. I say this as a muslim woman without appology. Whilst it is true that there is abuse on both sides of the gender fence, husband abuse is on an increase and it should not be permitted. Often, the families walk on tenderhooks, not wanting to interfere, wanting at all costs to retain the wholeness of a family which essentially is creating future misery for itself as well as the children who observe (and learn). Because children learn, make no mistake. And they don't necessarily learn what not to do. Some will learn that "i can do this and get away with it" and others will learn "I don't want to go through that! I'd rather be the abuser". And it is later in life that these adults from abusive homes snap, with a small incident, reverting to that which they hated but was, for lack of a better word, "the devil they know".
ReplyDeleteMay your family support your brother and may he find the courage to Stand UP to it, or Walk out of it. There are no other choices. Making "subr" and making "duah" is there, but faith and niyat must be accompanied by action or faith is just words. There is no excuse for abuse. When men (and women) being abused say "NO" and actually start taking action (not retaliation) then only will it stop. Islam has given the man options - steps - he should look into those, insh'Allah. Do continue to support him, and please avoid making the mistake of being his strength to endure it all, but rather his strength to change it, or get out.