Understanding BULLIES

Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem

Another superb article from heart2heart. In order to live lives with some sense of sanity, its critical that we understand how it is that bullies yield the power that they do! Heart2heart offers incredible insight into these personality deviant individuals and is intelligently and authoratatively written. DO visit their website or refer anyone to them who is being bullied - parents of bullied children, employees being bullied and/or abused spouses can learn a great deal from this site! All credit to  http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/save-yourself/bully-primer-5.htm (the pictures between are my own addition)

 The 4 Primary Types of Bullies

Profiling serial bullies... The profile of a serial bully covers the most commonly-reported behaviours of serial bullies. From casework, Tim Field has been able to identify four primary types of serial bully.
The bully wants to enjoy the benefits of living in the adult world, but is unable and unwilling to accept the responsibilities that go with enjoying the benefits of the adult world.

The Attention-Seeker

Motivation: to be the centre of attention
Mindset: control freak, manipulation, narcissism
Malice: medium to high; when held accountable, very high

• emotionally immature
• selectively friendly - is sickly sweet to some people, rude and offhand to others, and ignores the rest
• is cold and aggressive towards anyone who sees them for what they really are or exposes their strategies for gaining attention
• overfriendly with their new target, especially in the initial stages of a new working relationship
• overhelpful, ditto
• overgenerous, ditto
• manipulative of people's perceptions, but in an amateur and childish manner
• manipulative with guilt, ditto
• sycophantic, fawning, toadying
• uses flattery to keep a person in authority on side
• everything is a drama, usually a poor-me drama
• prefers not to solve problems in own life so that they can be used and re-used for gaining sympathy and attention
• capitalises on issues and uses them as a soapbox for gaining attention
• exploits others' suffering and grief as a vehicle for gaining attention
• misappropriates others' statements, eg anything which can be misconstrued as politically incorrect, for control and attention-seeking
• excusitis, makes excuses for everything
• shows a lot of indignation, especially when challenged
• lots of self-pity
• often as miserable as sin, apart from carefully constructed moments of charm when in the act of deceiving
• demanding of others
• easily provoked
• feigns victimhood when held accountable, usually by bursting into tears or claiming they're the one being bullied and harassed
• presents as a false victim when outwitted
• may feign exclusion, isolation or persecution
• malicious
• constantly tries and will do almost anything to be in the spotlight
• includes Munchausen Syndrome
• the focus of their life is to be the centre of attention

The Wannabe

Motivation: craves respect for being competent and professional despite lacking in competence and professionalism
Mindset: deceptive
Malice: low to medium; when held accountable, medium to high

• similar to the attention-seeker
• is one of life's chronic underperformers and is best described as ineffectual in everything
• craves undeserved respect and attention and will go to considerable lengths to acquire them
• hangs around the fringes of a profession
• not professionally qualified but claims they are a professional because they sit next to a professional or work alongside or near or in the midst of professionals, or provide services to professionals
• lacks the ability, competence and professionalism to be a qualified professional
• wants so much to be seen as competent professional person but is unable and unwilling to put in the work to achieve this
• is unable and unwilling to apply knowledge gained from experience but instead devotes time and effort to improving skills of deception, manipulation, false claim, denial and projection
• may have been rejected by their chosen profession for lack of competence
• is spiteful towards and despises anyone who is qualified in the profession from which the bully has been excluded by virtue of lack of competence
• is likely to be vilifying the profession they want to belong to or which they're claiming to be part of or which they are claiming to represent
• displays a deep-seated envy and jealousy of the professionals that he or she works alongside or claims to serve
• harbours a bitter resentment, grudge, distaste and contempt for the professionals that he or she works alongside or claims to serve
• is likely to be criticising, condemning, disadvantaging and causing detriment to the professionals he or she works alongside or claims to serve
• may seek positions of power over the professionals he or she works alongside or claims to serve, perhaps to facilitate a compulsion to criticise, condemn, disadvantage and cause detriment
• is irresistibly drawn to organisations, roles and positions which offer the wannabe power and control over the professionals s/he despises (eg inspection regimes, approval roles, regulatory bodies, ticksheet compliance schemes, political correctness police, trade union official, etc) - and is often described as a talentless jobsworth
• when in a position of power associates with and makes alliances with or surrounds him or herself with clones, drones, minions, fellow wannabes, sycophants and brown-nosers
• instinctively objects to any suggestion of change, reform, improvement, progress or evolution, but has no viable or positive alternatives of their own
• opposes every idea, suggestion, opinion, contribution or reform on principle but has no original, positive, constructive ideas or contributions of his or her own
• is likely to plagiarise and steal others' ideas which are then put forward as their own
• may place undue emphasis or reliance on an old, minor or irrelevant qualification to bolster their claim of belonging to or deserving to belong to a profession
• may claim ambiguous or misleading or bogus or fraudulent qualifications, associations and experience
• displays a superior sense of entitlement because they associate with or serve higher performers
• emotionally immature
• controlling
• easily provoked
• when challenged is adept at rewriting history to portray themselves as competent, professional and successful, regardless of multiple witnesses and overwhelming evidence to the contrary
• quickly and loudly feigns victimhood when exposed and held accountable, often repeatedly and loudly accusing the person holding them accountable of being a bully
• when held accountable makes conflicting and contradictory threats and demands (eg demands apology but orders the other person not to communicate with them)
• when held accountable makes lots of loud but empty threats (eg of legal action such as libel, slander, defamation etc)
• only carries out threats of legal action when in the presence of a superior serial bully, especially a sociopath type
• may indulge their jealousy and envy of professionals or those they claim to serve by pursuing vindictive vendettas, sometimes with the help of a superior serial bully, especially a sociopath type
• is easily manipulated and controlled by a superior serial bully
• female wannabes may be arch bullies (some people might call them puppetmasters or queen bees)
• may surround herself with drones of the opposite sex
• may exploit some perceived vulnerability in self to ensure drone loyalty
• gives the appearance of loyalty to drones but will discard them when they've served their purpose
• is likely to have affairs to gain power, status or position

The Guru

Motivation: task focused
Mindset: confusion, inability to understand how others think and feel
Malice: zero to low; when held accountable, low to medium (it's often the absence of malice that identifies a guru type of serial bully) but could be medium to high if narcissistic or psychopathic traits are present

• often successful in their narrow field of expertise
• regarded as an expert
• valued by the employer because s/he brings in the money, status etc
• ruthlessly pursues objectives regardless of the cost
• ruthless determination to succeed
• can be successful over the medium term in their field
• task focused
• zero people skills
• control freak
• mainly but not exclusively male
• often has a favourite who receives extra attention but who is expected to reciprocate with sycophancy
• favours, protects and promotes non-threatening sycophants whilst marginalizing and hindering the advancement of those with higher levels of competence, especially in people skills
• apt to betray those formerly favoured, especially when the favoured person starts to show independence of thought or action, or starts to receive more attention or become more popular than their mentor
• a male Guru in a position of power may exhibit inappropriate sexual conduct
• gauche, aggressive and unpleasant but not evil
• may not be overtly attention-seeking but dislikes those around them getting more attention than they're getting, or getting attention which doesn't include the bully
• selfish, self-centred, self-opinionated, dogmatic and thoughtless and with a tendency to pontificate
• apt to throw temper tantrums when things don't go well or can't get their own way
• emotionally immature, perhaps emotionless, sometimes cold and frigid
• convincingly intellectualises feelings to compensate for emotional immaturity
• intelligent (often highly) but lacks common sense
• is happy to lie to suit own purposes
• can have a rigid routine
• does not accept responsibility for their own behavior
• blames others for own inadequacies
• refuses to recognise that they could have any shortcomings of their own
• does not live in the present
• usually extremely neat (for example, desk is always clear)
• organized (sometimes overly)
• tempts fate but always gets away with it
• has stereotypical ideas about gender roles (though this may not be expressed consciously)
• makes assumptions about others' thoughts
• does not follow social rules, for example may display bad table manners in public
• appears unable and unwilling to engage in and sustain small talk
• seems unaware of the nature and purpose of rapport
• seems to exhibit some symptoms similar to autism, although autistic people tend to be shy, introspective and lack manipulative skills and are usually the targets of bullying, not the perpetrators (it's unknown whether there might be a common cause or whether the similarities are just a superficial coincidence) [more on autism]
• appears unable to read people and their thoughts and especially feelings
• when held accountable exhibits genuine confusion as to why their behaviour is inappropriate
• in cases where malice is low or absent the person my be regarded as somewhat avuncular or mildly jovial or charismatic in nature
• likes the appearance of normalcy but rejects responsibilities of relationships
• is unable to comprehend or meet the emotional needs of others
• often puts work and duty above everything, including relationships
• makes power plays, for example leaves the room when someone is speaking, or pretends not to hear and constantly asking a person to repeat what they just said, etc
• doesn't share information about self (thoughts, insights, etc) and is not open to receiving this type of information from others (allegedly knows it all already) secretive
• possessive of objects and sometimes people
• may view people as objects (this enables controlling behaviour of other people)
• thinks of self as superior and above the law / rules / regulations etc (these only apply to other people)
• uses denial as a defence mechanism
• there are likely to be problems with succession

The Socialised Psychopath or Sociopath

Motivation: power, gratification, personal gain, survival
Mindset: manipulation, deception, evil
Malice: high to very high; when held accountable, off the scale
Also known as the corporate psychopath, workplace psychopath, industrial psychopath and administrative psychopath.

• Jekyll & Hyde personality
• always charming and beguilingly plausible, especially to those who are capable of protecting or enhancing the sociopath's position
• excels at deception (this must never be underestimated, but always is)
• excels at evasion of accountability
• is extremely and successfully manipulative of people's perceptions and emotions (eg guilt and anger)
• silver-tongued, has an extreme verbal facility and can outwit anybody (including a top barrister) in verbal conflict
• will often engineer himself or herself into a position of authority as gatekeeper of the organisation and thus the person through whom all information must flow, and the person to whom all requests for services must be referred - which he or she then takes delight in denying
• is adept at offering weak and inadequate people the positions of power, control, security, influence or respect that they crave but who lack the necessary competencies to achieve - such people are unaware that their consequent dependence on the sociopath makes them permanent manipulatees, pawns and expendable agents of harassment
• identifies those essential to the sociopath's survival and manipulates their perceptions them by making them feel special and thus obligated to reciprocate with support and protection
• manipulates others into making fools of themselves in situations where they cannot back down or from which they cannot withdraw - these people become increasingly susceptible to further manipulation and are then trapped as pawns in the sociopath's game
• is likely to be surrounded by people who, having been subjected to control, manipulation and punishment by the sociopath, look wretched and who start to exhibit behaviour best described as disordered, dysfunctional, sullen, aggressive, defensive, hostile, retaliatory, counterproductive or cult-like and for whom disbelief, disavowal and denial are instinctive responses
• creates an environment where levels of denial are so great that those involved are oblivious of the foolishness and self-evident absurdity of their denials when presented with the facts, with the result that non-involved observers are led to question whether such levels of denial merit psychiatric intervention
• is contemptuous of disrepute to their organisation and of collateral damage and of the destructive consequences for all direct and indirect parties
• is always surrounded by and leaves behind a trail of dysfunctional organisations, destroyed businesses, ruined careers, stress breakdowns and unexplained suicides
• despite a trail of devastation to individuals, organisations, families and communities, the actions of a socialised psychopath may go undetected or unrecognised for years
• a history of conducting frivolous, vexatious and malicious legal actions, especially (but not exclusively) against anyone who can recognise the sociopath for what he is
• only after the sociopath is exposed and relieved of position, or they move on, can the full depth of their destructive behaviour be fathomed and the consequences calculated
• is skilled at identifying, undermining, discrediting, neutralising and destroying anyone who can see through the sociopath's mask of sanity
• at all times restricts the actions and rights of others (especially those holding the sociopath accountable) whilst aggressively protecting his or her right to do anything without being hampered by social norms or legal requirements
• pursues endless vindictive vendettas against anyone perceived as a threat or who attempts, knowingly or unknowingly, to identify or reveal or expose the sociopath, or who makes efforts to hold the sociopath accountable
• is adept at appropriating rules, regulations, procedures and law to manipulate, control and punish accusers regardless of relevance, logic, facts or consequences
• persists in and pursues vindictive vendettas using self-evidently false evidence or information, even after this is brought to the attention of the sociopath
• will often manipulate minor bullies of the Wannabe type (who on their own might or would not merit the label 'serial bully') into acting as agents of harassment and as unwitting or unwilling conductors of vendettas
• is adept at placing people in situations where the sociopath can tap into each person's instinctive urge to retaliate in order to use them as his or her instruments or agents of harassment
• gains gratification from provoking others into engaging in adversarial conflict
• once conflict has been initiated, the sociopath gains increased gratification by exploiting human beings' instinctive need to retaliate - this is achieved by encouraging and escalating peoples' adversarial conflicts into mutually assured destruction
• revels in the gratification gained from seeing or causing other people's distress
• when faced with accountability or unwelcome attention which might lead to others discerning the sociopath's true nature, responds with repeated and escalating attempts to control, manipulate and punish
• is adept at reflecting all accusations and attempts at accountability back onto their accusers
• is adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise pool negative information about the sociopath
• has no limits on his or her vindictiveness
• the need to control, manipulate and punish develops into an obsession with many of the hallmarks of an addiction
• is skilled at mimicry and can plausibly and spontaneously regurgitate all the latest management jargon
• exhibits minimal professional skill level and competency
• exploits his or her intelligence to excel at talentless mediocrity
• is always identifying the behaviours and strategies to which other people respond with the desired effect
• is able to anticipate and credibly say what people want to hear
• is easily able to win people over before betraying them or deceiving them or ripping them off
• easily manipulates and bewitches an immature or naive or vulnerable or emotionally needy person to be their spokesperson or agent of aggression
• exploits anyone who has a vulnerability
• is pushy and extremely persuasive
• is sexually inadequate and sexually abusive
• is likely to protect anyone accused of or suspected of sexual abuse of pedophile activity, and will frustrate or obstruct investigations into that person
• maybe associating with, or actively involved in, abuse or pedophile activity
• has no emotions, no emotional processing capability and no ability to understand other's emotions
• is incapable of understanding, initiating or sustaining intimacy
• the male sociopath has often convinced a string of women to feel they are in love with him and despite being treated abominably they blindly continue to be loyal to him and minister willingly to his every demand
• may start projects with apparent enthusiasm and energy but quickly loses interest
• frequently takes unnecessary and uncalculated risks but takes no account of consequences
• is reckless and untrustworthy with money
• is likely to be illegally diverting or siphoning off significant sums of money to his or her own budget, project, account or cause
• is unreliable and untrustworthy in every facet of life
• is likely to be leaking confidential information or secrets to third parties
• is likely to have committed or be committing criminal or near-criminal offences, eg fraud, embezzlement, deception
• is likely to have committed or be committing breaches of harassment and discrimination law, employment law, contract law, etc
• disregards rules, regulations, Health and Safety requirements, professional standards, codes of conduct and legal requirements, etc
• cannot comprehend the deeper semantic meaning of language and is thus unable to understand or appreciate metaphor, hyperbole, irony, satire etc (these elicit either zero response or a hostile response)
• likes, seeks, enjoys and relies on procedure, ritual and ritualistic practices
• through arrogant overconfidence takes increasingly risky chances and eventually overplays their hand or makes a mistake which leads to the sociopath revealing him or herself
• exhibits parasitical behaviour, takes everything and gives nothing
• grabs headline credit for minimal, flukey or other peoples' success whilst surviving off the backs of manipulatees who are exclusively blamed for all failures
• rarely blinks, may have stary scary eyes that cut right through you, or may avoid eye contact completely
• is callous, cold and calculating
• is devious, clever and cunning
• is ruthless in the extreme
• regards people as objects and playthings to be discarded when surplus to requirements
• displays zero empathy
• completely without conscience, remorse and guilt
• malicious and evil
• Continue reading this article about bullies...

[ Types of Serial Bullies © by Bully Online - Tim Field. Thank you for making this information available ]

START AT THE END LINK  - - - - - - -"Continue reading"

Broken hearts & mended souls

Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem

Sorrow

Like clouds above, a billion drops of water,
drawn from the belly of the earth
toiling beneath the heat of the sun.

Sorrow, clouds on the soul,
a well that fills from the heart
drawn by the heat of trials,
a million moments of sadness,
drawn too by times of hopes too fragile to survive,
under a thousand suns of oposition;
hopes illusionary as a million moons
casting their shadow upon the lakes of dreams.

Clouds above, the driving rain,
Clouds within, the storm unnoticed brews,
that trial of fire bursts forth through a damn
that no longer can contain their driving force.
Clouds above, the rainstorm comes,
washing cleansing, settling deep.
Clouds within, the storm that grows,
that fights, and eventually - turns within

copyright@2012YesI'mMuslimDealwithIt


Can you die of a broken heart?

However you may see sorrow, wether as an expression of sadness, continued problems, or a response of grief, or a situational reaction, sorrow is instrumental in setting off the natural stress response in the body. In other words, the body's autonomic nervous system becomes extra alert and this causes the release of steroid hormones that prepare the body for action. (fight or flight). Sometimes, there is the "last straw" and sometimes it is a continuous wearing down of the individual. What sets in, then, as a result of this stress?

• Fatigue,
• Listlessness
• Lack of energy
• An increase in pulse and blood pressure
• Increased nervous activity
• Weakening of the eyes 

Sorrow causes real physiological damage - Anyone who has wept themselves to sleep knows the painful sand in the eyes, the headaches, the nausea, etc. etc. that sorrow can cause. It certainly leads to a fall in the activity of lymphocytes in white blood cells,  for instance, and more gravely a wearing thin of the heart muscle. Sorrow can rob us not just of quality of life, but of life itself - since white blood cells are an important component of the body’s self-defense mechanism, the situation may lead to opportunistic infections like colds and other minor infections. Some may call this psychosomatic, but it isn't. Real sorrow can actually cause the individual to "Die of a broken heart" - People who actually die due to excessive grief often die due to an increased risks of aggravation of pre-existing conditions like diabetes and hypertension, or even heart failure. Pain is felt more strongly, and so individuals already suffering from painful and chronic health problems ranging from arthritis to lungs to heart conditions may experience an exascerbation.

"What is “stress cardiomyopathy?”
Stress cardiomyopathy, also referred to as the “broken heart syndrome,” is a condition in which intense emotional or physical stress can cause rapid and severe heart muscle weakness (cardiomyopathy). This condition can occur following a variety of emotional stressors such as grief (e.g. death of a loved one), fear, extreme anger, and surprise. It can also occur following numerous physical stressors to the body such as stroke, seizure, difficulty breathing (such as a flare of asthma or emphysema), or significant bleeding. " (reference: Hopkins Medicine, online)

The quran and sorrow:


Studies are showing what the Quran has said from the beginning - that sorrow truly does impact the body in many ways:

And he turned away from them, and said, ‘Ah, how great is my grief for Joseph.’  And his eyes turned white because of the sorrow that he choked within him.” (12: 84)

When one is upright, and seeks Allah's pleasure Allah does not allow suffering to continue indefinately. Even in the case of Jacoob (Jacob, as) - for Allah gave healing, eventually setting Jacoob free from sorrow..hence:

“So, when the caravan set forth, their father ( Jacob ) said, ‘surely I perceive Yousof’s scent, unless you think me doting’. They said; ‘By Allah, you are certainly in your ancient error.’ But when the bearer of good tidings came  to him, and laid it (Yousof's shirt) on his face, forthwith he saw once again.  He said; ‘Did I not tell you I know from Allah that you know not?’ (12: 94-96)

Take heart, for Allah does not allow sorrow to extend forever. He either takes the cause away  or removes you from what is causing IT.  For this reason the quran tells us that Allah does not "give a soul more than it can bear". It is important to note that everyone has a choice in their circumstances, to continue in them or change them with Allah's help. Where oppression makes it impossible for someone to change the circumstances, Allah always steps in. In his divine time,  but always. Sometimes, we experience sorrow or grief as a result of our own choices, sometimes, sorrow or grief comes as a result of the choices of others, and sometimes it comes as a result of a divine decree regarding death of a loved one. We cannot simply state "Allah will set things right" without taking responsibility for the situations we ourselves have caused by not sticking to what Allah has prescribed. We cannot simply allow ourselves to not abide by Allah's word and then hide behind "allah will fix this". It is important to fear Allah first and foremost, and do what HE has decreed, follow the steps HE has given us as a  remedy to our sorrow, if it is situational, and where we lack courage, we make duah, and ask Allah to give us the strength to do what is right.

 And Allah (Swt) has said ; " And whoever puts his trust

in Allah, then He will suffice him " [ Qur'an , Surah at-talaq ]

As humans, then, we experience sorrow and grief for various reasons. Yet the lesson lies not in what we experience but what we DO about it.
Firstly, we must ask Allah for guidance - istikhaara is one way, His word (Quran) is another, the Sunat of his Nabi (saw) a third, and his chosen leaders in Deen yet another.
Secondly, we must act in accordance with his Allah's decree, we must fear man or woman but do that which Allah has decreed and not allow oppression or become opressors out of fear
Lastly, we must understand that having done ALL which he decrees, THEN we stand in faith, we allow our tawaqul in Allah (our faith and dependence) to make the decision.

Ibn `Ata’illah states, “If you make intense supplication and the timing of the answer is delayed, do not despair of it. His reply to you is guaranteed; but in the way He chooses, not the way you choose, and at the moment He desires, not the moment you desire.” [Ibn `Ata’illah, Hikam]

My tiny amount of experience in life has shown me that truly Allah does not permit sorrow and suffering to continue. We change ourselves, we change IT, or ALLAH steps in and does it for us. Sometimes, the latter is the hardest choice, for "doing nothing" is a choice in itself. And when "nothing" is opted for, Allah truly steps in, and usually his stepping in is radical. Miracles happen, and I've seen them. In my past life I lived a life in which I could not worship with all my heart for an opressor "reigned" over my situation. ALLAH freed me and for that I give him glory and thanks. Yet, even then, I had to take a step, I had to tie my camel, so to speak, I have to DO in order that Allah may DO MORE. I believe Apathy is not rewarded with a divine move - the least we can do is make duah. But when we can ACT - we should. The "rules" so to speak, are simple: Firstly, take no idols, and do what Allah instructs. If he said it, that does it. Let no man or woman affect that move. Secondly, ask Allah what you should do. Thirdly, following HIS instruction and the guidance of his word and his wise saints, ACT. Thirdly, TRUST.

The Messenger of Allah (saw) said " Be Mindful of Allah (Swt) & you will find Him in front of you, Recognize and acknowledge Allah (swt) in times of ease and prosperity , and he will remember you in times of adversity. And know what has passed you by (what you have not attained ) was not going to befall you , and what has befallen you was not going to pass you by. And know that victory comes with patience , relief with affliction , and hardship with ease. [Tirmidhi]

 

For me, the hardest part, sometimes, is to just TRUST. Tawaqul is the equivalent of the christian principle "Be still and know that HE is God." or "Having done all, STAND". Why is it the hardest part? Because as humans, we have needs, and as humans, we are also sometimes afraid of taking certain steps; because those steps may hurt, or because those steps require courage we think we don't have, or because quite simply,we are afraid. At times like this we must ask "are we afraid of flesh and blood?" if this is so, we must push forward, as long as we are holding on to what ALLAH says DO.

So then, the cure for sorrow, is this:
1) UNDERSTAND WHAT GRIEVES YOU
2) BELIEVE EVERYTHING COMES FROM ALLAH, including this test.
3) SEEK ALLAH's ANSWER.
4) ASK OF THOSE WITH WISDOM -There are pious and wise individuals whom Allah has blessed with Kashf (divine guidance) and you will recognise it for if it is of ALlah it does not place anyone except ALLAH upon the Divine throne of ALlah.
5)DO what has been given you to do based on (4)
6) TRUST ALLAH and lean upon HIS WORD
7) LET GO and keep up with duah

All along the above, be wary of whom you associate with, whom you draw guidance from, for verily, Allah is that firm hand-hold which will not let you down. Allah seeks not apathy - he expects you to take a step in faith, to be fair, to seek to know what HE would want you to do. And then, when you have taken ONE step, HE will run to you, insh'Allah.

What then, is Sorrow -
What is that cloud that fills the soul? For a believer, it is a moment of suspended animation during which ALLAH is planning HIS miracle, Targetting the oppressor, or removing obstacles. For those who go againt what he dictates, that cloud is his own personal torment, for Allah will not go against ur personal choice to remain in a place of oppression, and we limit HIM by not allowing his relief.

Truly, everything in the Quran points to the fact that Allah may allow some sorrow, awaiting a move from us, awaiting to see if we are faithful to HIM. And when we are, it is simply a question of time until relief comes, OR we are removed from the source of sorrow. Either way, for the faithful, ALLAH ALWAYS comes through.

Take heart, oh you in sorrow. Take heart, for ALLAH is watching, and ALLAH gives to whom he wills, and for those ungrateful who cause sorrow, the gift is removed and it is given to someone different.

ALLAH is, indeed, the beneficent, the merciful, the kind, the reliever, the avenger, the giver, and the one who takes away, and indeed, Allah does not allow for a soul more than it can bear, and indeed ALLAH allows a test. Will we wallow in sorrow, or will we turn to ALLAH - will we take ONE step, and TRUST, or will we hide in the bushes? Is there a bush behind which he cannot find us? Is there anything we can hide from HIM? No. For all the world, all we have, all we are, is HIS. He gives us choice, and then he acts in accordance with the choice, that HIS WORD stand.

Verily, with hardship, there is relief. (Qur'an 94:6)

As written by http://npmss.blogspot.com/2012/04/verily-with-hardship-there-is-relief.html : “Verily, with hardship, there is relief  (94:6)” "Hardships strengthens your heart, atone for your sins, and help to suppress an inclination towards pride and haughtiness. When you are facing trials and obstacles in your life, do not be despair. Call out to Him and pray to Him. Constantly put Him in your remembrance. When you remember Allah, clouds of worry and fear are driven away, and the mountains that make up your problems are blown away. Do not grieve, for you have Allah to depend on. 
Anas R.A reported from the Prophet (may Allah bless him and grant him peace), in what he reported from his Lord, the Mighty and Majestic.
He said, “When the salve comes towards Me a hand-span, I go an arms-length towards him. When he comes towards me an arms-length, I go a fathom towards him. When he comes towards Me walking, I go towards him running” (al-Bukhari).

Masya’Allah, Allah’s love is truly the greatest and purest and could not be compared to anyone’s love.

Our Prophet s.a.w said: "Verily, if Allah loves a people, He makes them go through trials. Whoever is satisfied, for him is contentment, and whoever is angry upon him is wrath." [Tirmidhi]

Therefore do not be in despair: it is impossible for things to remain the same. The days and years rotate, the future is unseen, and everyday Allah has matters to bring forth. You know it not, but it may be that Allah will afterwards bring some new things to pass.
And verily, with hardship there is ease." 

Happy Islamic New Year!

Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem


Tonight, the 14th of November 2012, marks the Islamic New Year. The Islamic Calendar is a Lunar Calendar. It is a time when the new year commences. How apt, then, I think it is, to speak of the passing of the year and how quickly time flies. How quickly, indeed, life flies. When we least expect it, it's over. Islam is not a faith that ignores death or lives in denial of it. If anything, death is seen as a part of life, an inevitable closure in the many chapters of each person's existance.

Today, in celebration of life, I want to talk about death. Yes, that's right. I've thought about it and that's what I want to talk about, because I believe that how someone dies is reflective of how they lived, but how they are treated by muslims UPON death is reflective of ISLAM..


My idea of death now that I am muslim is so very different to when I was not. I lost my grandfather when I was young, and after that quite a few family members and friends. My best friend passed away from cancer in my last year of schooling. Death was traumatic. When I first reverted to Islam (came to Islam, coverted to Islam), my dear friend and sister, Fathima Moola was ill. She became progressively ill, and told me that as a child her mother had requested she, Fathima, tend to her body upon her demise. Fathima then proceeded to ask me, as "the child she never had" if I would be there to tend to her body when she passed away.  I was shocked!! I couldn't, at the time, imagine anything more horrific. A dead body? And that too of someone I loved?? No, no, no! Seeing my friend in my last year of senior schooling lying in that coffin had been so traumatic, how would I face seeing - no - touching - the body of this dear friend who was like a mother to me? After much rebutting, I had no choice but to agree, thinking she would recover and I wouldn't have to face that anytime soon.

But the time to face my fears came sooner than I thought. Within just over 3 years, Fathima would pass away. I remembered my promise to her, and although I grappled against it, I finally summoned up the courage to call up her sister and told her of my promise.

In Islamic communities, death is a community affair. Deaths are broadcast so that anyone who hears might pray for the one who has passed and the family who stays behind. Anyone who knew the person will usually flock to the place of the "Mayet" (where the goodbyes are said and prayers are done) and in this case the numbers were massive - Fathima was dearly loved.

I drove an hour to the venue of the "ghusl" or body preparation, which to me looked like a hall, and was greeted with as much warmth by the women as always despite the sorrow (if not more). There were no men there, since this was the passing of a woman. I was led, along with a small group of close family, to a room which looked like any "ghusl room". Usually, these rooms have a surgery-type metalic bed with a water catchment area beneath it. The women busied themselves preparing the annoitment water, praying for the deceased. The room filled with the fragrance of (real, not synthetic) myrrh, frankincense, and camphor. In these preparations, usually hot water is poured over the "bed" to ensure the comfort of the deceased, as we muslims believe that the soul hovers near, and the body "feels".

Many things are known concerning the miracles that happen during ghusl, or preparation for burial. It is advised that we not speak of the dead or the events wether good or bad, so for the purposes of this explanation I will limit myself as far as possible to the ritual aspect and my personal feelings. Once the body arrives, only women touch a women's body and only men will touch a man's. The body is gently taken by the family of women or men from its container and placed upon the surgical bed. At this point it is usually still wrapped from the morgue and before it is unwrapped those present put on their surgical gloves and the dear one is covered in soft towels to ensure the privacy of the deceased. All this time, praying is taking place, and those present speak to the deceased as though alive, telling them all the wonderful things they feel about that person, taking the opportunity to say goodbye, sometimes kissing the hands or the face. There's always someone who stays near the face, speaking to the deceased, words of peace and love and kindness.

The wrapping is removed as prayers are recited by all those present, taking great care not to expose the aura of the person. In other words, that which a muslim ought to cover in life, remains covered in death. For a woman, it is the body from neck to ankles to wrists. For a man, it is from the navel to the knee. Working under the towels, the family washes the dear one carefully, with the softest sponges or cloths or their very own hands, gently and respectfully as you would with someone beloved and highly respected. Different prayers are recited as the deceased family member is gently seated up so that the bowels are emptied automatically and the excess washed away with warm water. Only the closest family member will ensure the cleanliness of private parts, and all the time these remain covered. Anyone present is encouraged to look away, respectfully, and to soothe the beloved one with words of kindness, love and respect.

Once thoroughly cleaned (including ears, nose, mouth) and prayers spoken and words of love shared, those present also reminisce with the dear one and sometimes with one another, remembering always the good things, again kindly and with words of love and well wishes. It is time to perfume the dear one and this is done by each person present. Usually, an expert is on hand who takes the lead and guides the family or friends in what and how to perform the ghusl (bath) for burial. Once perfumed, the white sheets known as Kaffan are brought. These are new, crisp, and perfectly white. There are specific instructions for wrapping or shrouding the dear one, and this is where a leader is very helpful. It is important that as the wrapping takes place, no part of the body is exposed which would, in life, be disrespectful to the dear one. The face is left open for a little while whilst goodbyes are said and last prayers are made, asking of Allah that the dear one enter Jannat ul firdous, the highest stations of paradise. Then, the face is closed off, and a woman is covered with an additional sheet to protect any mourners from seeing the shape of her body, a modesty which a muslim woman guards carefully in life.

Taken to what I can only refer to as "the place of goodbyes", the dear one is transported to (usually) the home of a close relative which is large enough to accomodate the volumes of people that will come to pay their respects and still separate women from men, it is laid down on the floor near the closest relatives. Buckets of prayer beads and prayer books are available for visitors, as anyone may come; the only request is for prayer.

A final Salaat is read, known as the Janaazah salaat. You may know muslims pray 5 times a day. These are not prayers of request, but prayers of worship. They are known as "salaat". Simplistically, this is a "final salaat".
An elder or prayer leader will also at some point recite special duahs that are reserved for this occasion, and it is evident from everyone present that this is a time of closure, of goodbyes, of well-wishes with love, kindness and respect. Then, the face is uncovered so that ONLY the family may say their final goodbyes before the dear one is transported in its state of purity and blessed by prayers - by male family members  - to the graveyard and gently lowered to the grave, where the muslim is buried facing Mecca, the place where Abraham (Ibraheem as) first built an altar, the place of pilgrimage, and the direction of all muslim prayers. The spouse may not touch the dear one, but may also say their goodbyes, often and usually held, hugged and loved by those present. Mourning is a time not of solitude but of companionship of fellow muslims, who will come daily to feed, help, love and pray with the family that remains behind.

Until the day we die, no-one present at any ghusl or burial "bath" will discuss the condition of the body or the miracles which happen behind those closed doors (and they DO happen). What I may say, is that it is an experience which cemented in me the reality that THIS is the way I want to "go". THIS is the kindest, sweetest, most loving act of closure and send-off to paradise , insh'Allah, which any human would desire. Non muslims are not permitted in the ghusl bath, as they would not know the prayers, and quite frankly in my opinion having come from a non-muslim background, they may quite simply not be accustomed to the level of self-restraint and kindness that can be shown so someone who is, crudely put, no more.
What I may also say, is that I spent many years seeking closure for the family and friends I lost outside Islam, yet within Islam, I have lost the fear of death as I knew it before. Now, a "corpse" to me is a friend, a dear one, someone once loved, still loved, who'se life and contribution to the lives of others is never forgotten.

When speaking of the dead, one should always speak only of the good - this is Islamic Etiquette. One should avoid speaking ill of the dead.

And so, this year, too, has come to an end. I thank Allah for the goodness in it. I beseech Him to forgive me for any sins committed in it, and I ask of Allah only goodness, victory, and good deeds in the New Year. Not because the deeds get me to heaven, but because I love Allah, I love my Nabi (peace be unto him), and I am humbled to have my eternal salvation in the hand of ONE so beneficent and Merciful as HE who instructed us to treat even the dead with such respect. Ya Allah, have mercy on this poor sinner, use all that I am for YOUR goodness and for kindness, use ALL that I can for illumination of this world filled with such darkness and disrespect, and use ALL that I am to plant seeds of freedom from hurt, from pain, and from fear, insh'Allah, ameen.

May this New Islamic Year set right the affairs that need righting, remove that which needs removing, bring that which needs bringing, and bring freedom of hearts and minds to prostrate before the Creator. Submission, is freedom, you ask? Well, if the above does not depict freedom from fear, from sadness, from anxiety, from loneliness, and it refers to DEATH, then what is it, if you are not muslim, that you may be missing of the many beauties of ISLAM that refer to LIFE?

Subhannallah!! La Ilaha Il Allah. Oh Allah convey peace and blessings and my humblest salaams to your Nabi, who brought to us such a level of kindness in every aspect of our life. Death, is humbling, but it needn't be frightening.

"I am not gone, I have just stepped into another room".

I dedicate this post to my beloved friend, sister, mother figure and teacher, Fathima Moola. May Allah LOVE her always and BLESS her always, and SHOWER her with all the joy and blessings HE can, and may HE grant her the company of the saints of Islam, and the friendship and companionship of the one she treasured so much in almost continuous durood, our Prophet and the final messenger of our beloved Creator, Muhammad (Peace be Upon Him)..

Just a cloudy day in Texas

Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem


As we continue to approach "end times", or judgement day, God is speaking to people from all walks of life. There are many, many misconceptions about Islam; fed by the media, by powerplays and world economics games. But in all this, G"d speaks, and He continues to call unto Him those He wishes. Among these, there are pastors, lawyers, doctors, and any other kind. The pre-requisite to being a muslim is this - ALLAH says BE, and it IS.

Sometimes, Allah calls entire families to Islam, and sometimes, the men (not man, MEN) in those families are all pastors. This is the story of one such family - and a "conversion" (we call it reversion) one cloudy day in Texas.

Essentially, the father and son began doing business with a man from Cairo. Allah can use anyone to plant a seed, from near, or far. 

His father was a pastor, his wife and family, "charismatic" christians, "slain in the spirit", "baptised and living in faith". Maybe that's why Allah called them ALL to Islam - to draw them near to HIM, insh'Allah. May Allah continue to bless their work, keep them on the straight path of Truth and grant them Jannat when their time comes insh'Allah. It is in english, despite the subtitles. It's a long video, but VERY WELL WORTH WATCHING!! If you've ever wondered what Islam is really about, our your imaan needs a little lift, watch this.

Inspirational Sufi Story - Chisthi pir

Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem

A visitor came to a Chishti pir.

This visitor wanted to demonstrate his own knowledge of the Qur’an and intended to overpower the Chishti pir in a debate. When he entered, the Chishti pir took the initiative however and mentioned Yusuf and the dreams he has had according to the Qur’an.

He then suddenly turned to his visitor and asked him if he could tell him about a dream, so that the visitor may give his interpretation thereof. After receiving permission the Sufi told that he has had a dream and both of them were in it.

The Chishti pir then went on by describing the following dream event: “I saw your hand immersed in a jar of honey, while my hand was immersed in the latrine”.

The visitor hastened to interpret: “It is quite obvious! You are immersed in wrong pursuits whereas I am leading a righteous life”.

“But’, the Sufi said, “there is more to the dream”. The visitor asked him to continue. The Chishti pir then went on by telling this: “You were licking my hand and I was licking yours”.

Another unrelated sufi story to make you smile:
Bohlul was sitting on a bridge, watching the river flow by. The king saw him, and immediately had him arrested. "A bridge is for passing, not for staying!" said the king. Bohlul then replied to the king, "You should take a look at yourself. Look at how you are clinging to this life." (Adapted from "Another way of laughter: a collection of Sufi humor" by Massud Farzan, [E. P. Dutton & Co, New York, 1973], p. 39.)

Jummah, a Mubarak day

Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem

Some may say there is no quranic basis for saying "jummah Mubarak". However, since "a person is judged by his/her intention" (Niyat) let me make this one clear: "Mubarak" means blessed. "Jummah" is the best of days, since our Nabi saw passed away on a Jummah, and the day of judgement will be, according to the Quran, on a Jummah. Furthermore, we are encouraged, on a Jummah, to increase our worship, and to ask Allah to shower our beloved Nabi (uhbp) with greetings and blessings. Given that, wherein lies the sin in wishing muslims a "mubarak Jummah" or a "Jummah Mubarak" ? SO ... May you have a beautiful day of prayer and kindness, may you seek to live it "in the cause" of Allah, doing all that would please HIM, praising HIM, and making duah for muslims, insh'Allah. Ameen.

When Enough is Enough..

Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem

This blog post is respestfully uploaded, it does not apply to every man or to every woman, but it is one of the most important, if not THE singularly most important article I've come across to help men who are living under severe emotional abuse.

It is sometimes difficult, if not impossible, to walk out on an abusive spouse, especially if the abuser is the wife, not the husband; there are so many elements to consider, and the abused man is often so torn up and so manipulated by threats that he cannot see a way out. Sometimes even the family has subtly, gradually been brainwashed into thinking that this uncle/brother/nephew would be better off enduring than leaving. But there is no price to the life or the sanity of any human being, it is priceless.

If you know of an uncle/brother/nephew who is living under abuse, read this blog post, and refer them also to resources such as the website www.shrink4men.com. All rights of the writer are herein honoured. This is not my article, the author's name and the aforementioned site are the ones who deserve the credit.

This is a clearly written, well researched and thought out aide for men living with emotional/psychological/physical or other abuse and wondering how (or if) to get out. If you're not ready to leave, read it anyway, and understand that this is based on the experience of hundreds of men who like you, have had to endure, and thought they could never walk out - but did - sometimes before it was too late, sometimes after their lives had almost been lost to the abuse. It's time to break the silence. No domestic abuse can be condoned, wether it is well known or appears, on the surface, to be rare. Life in its raw truth, sadly, is stranger than fiction.

Note: this is not written from an islamic perspective, but from a practical, research based and clinical psychology based perspective.

Here's the article:

Leaving an Abusive Wife: Pre-Divorce Checklist

Written by Natalie Malonis on October 27, 2010 -
   

When a man reaches the point of deciding to divorce an abusive wife, he has typically been thinking, and possibly ruminating over, the possibility for many years. As Dr. T has discussed previously, there are many factors that work against a man’s successful break from a wife who displays a litany of narcissistic or borderline personality traits.
Instinctively, he knows that the divorce process will be hell. He might fear losing relationships with his children. Using children as vindictive tools of manipulation is a favorite tactic abusive women employ to keep the husband from leaving her. Alienation campaigns are nearly always used against the man when the couple has children together.
He may fear losing his retirement or his career. He may have bought into the repeated messages he receives from his wife that he’s no good and no one else will put up with him or that he’ll never make it without her. Simply put, a man may spend years wanting to leave and knowing that he should leave, but his fear of unthinkable consequences keeps him stuck. Many men have been in such a state of tortured indecision for 15 or 20 years.
As with any big endeavor, the free floating fear of unknowns can be reduced to a more manageable level with some good information and planning. That holds true for men who are deciding whether to leave an abusive wife or have made the decision, but do not know exactly how to put their decision to action. I have found that my clients fare much better when they have made a few key preparations in advance.
The steps I outline below are helpful for men in this situation for a couple of reasons. First, it gives them something to do, and taking actions (however small) feels like accomplishment; it helps build confidence and it helps men begin to trust their own judgment and decision-making abilities. All of these things are crucial for men who are gaining their independence after being manipulated and oppressed and undermined for years. Taking these steps can also save a great deal of time and money down the road—resources we all need a little more of, and especially significant for men in this situation.
When asked “how” to divorce an abusive wife, Dr. T has previously advised against advance disclosure of your plans to leave. Generally speaking, this is also how I would counsel men to make their exit from an abusive marriage, and here’s why: Your NPD/BPD wife is much better at the manipulation game than you are. For every one of your maneuvers, she’s got three alternative plans to keep you from succeeding, and she doesn’t even have to think about it—it comes naturally to her and requires no effort on her part.
You will not out think her and you will not anticipate the many ways she could screw up your departure. If she senses that you are on your way out, she’ll go into battle mode and manufacture a family emergency or spend all of your money or enlist the kids to lay a gigantic guilt trip on you or any one of countless other tactics. Your best chance for a successful departure is to do your planning without tipping your hand and make your exit before she has an opportunity to manipulate you into staying.
With that advice in mind, here is a checklist of items for men who are preparing to leave an abusive marriage:
1. Gather and copy important papers, and move the copies out of the house and into a secure location. Once your wife suspects that you may leave her, it will become exceedingly difficult to access information that you will need to begin establishing an independent life. Collect records of vital statistics, military records related to benefits and so forth, bank statements, social security statements, information about retirement accounts, vehicle titles, mortgage and loan documents, kids’ school records and contact lists, credit card statements, checkbook, stock certificates, etc.—any papers that are kept in your home that you may conceivably want access to during a divorce process, you should copy and move to a safe deposit box or to your office or some other location away from home where you will be able to access the papers.
2. Open a separate bank account in your name. Stop making deposits into your joint account and keep an eye on your balances in your joint checking and savings accounts. If your wife is planning on leaving or suspects that you are on your way out, more than likely you will see transfers out of your joint accounts. If that happens, it is important that you preserve enough cash for you to be able to make the move and meet expenses for a short time –please speak to a lawyer in your jurisdiction about your rights to money in marital accounts.
In my jurisdiction, I typically advise clients in this situation to withdraw half of the funds in joint accounts if the money is community property and deposit the money in a separate account. Laws differ from state to state, so it’s important that you clear this with an attorney.
3. Arrange for your paycheck to be direct deposited in your separate account. When your paycheck is no longer being deposited into your joint account, your wife will get wise to your plan to leave. Timing is important. Check with your HR department well in advance to find out how long it takes to stop automatic deposits and reroute them to a different account.
4. Start moving small family keepsakes and heirlooms and items of particular personal value to a location away from the marital residence. Consult an attorney in your jurisdiction about this, but in most states property that is inherited or gifted is separate property. If your father left you his antique watch, it’s probably your separate property. The reason to move items of personal or sentimental value is that those are the items that are most likely to be destroyed or “lost” by your NPD/BPD wife in the course of a temper tantrum. She will try to destroy whatever means the most to you—remove such items from her reach to the extent possible.
5. If you keep firearms in the house, remove ammunition from the house and remove or hide the guns. This is going to be the most volatile time of your relationship with a woman who has a history of irrational behavior. This is the most dangerous time for you and you cannot predict what an irrational person will do under such circumstances. Your personal safety must be a primary concern and never taken for granted.
6. If your wife has ever threatened you with false reports of domestic violence, alert law enforcement before you leave and inform them of any past threats of false reports. If she has ever made any kind of hint that she would report you for family violence, do not think she’s bluffing and do not assume she would not go that far. She would. The fact that she even thought to threaten you with such a thing is a big red flag—non-disordered people do not think that way. If she can think it up, she can follow through. Protect yourself.
7. Make a spare set of car keys and give them to a trusted friend or store them in your office or a location to which your wife has no access. If all goes as planned, you will not need your extra set of keys. However, if your wife finds out what you’re up to, expect her to make an all-out effort to thwart your plans, including taking your car or your keys to keep you from leaving. Have a backup plan, just in case.
8. Plan what you’ll say to the kids. If your spouse is physically violent, seek the assistance of an attorney in removing your minor children from a physically abusive parent. Custody matters with minor children require expert assistance. If you have adult children who are living away from home, you can help preserve those relationships by heading off your wife’s inevitable attempts to turn them against you.
You will need to be honest with your children about the circumstances you’ve been enduring—chances are they do not know what’s been happening or the extent of it. Plan what you will say to them–draft a script if that helps. In most situations, it’s best not to tell your adult children that you are leaving until you are out of the house. The first discussion with your adult children should take place as soon as possible after you have actually left.
It’s likely that your adult children are more loyal to their mother than they are to you because your wife has been making negative remarks about you and planting seeds of discord and doubt over the years. If your wife rules the roost, chances are your children are accustomed to doing her bidding and accepting her version of events without question. Do not be surprised if they side with your wife and if at first they don’t believe what you are telling them about the abuse.
Don’t despair and don’t give up—exposure of your wife’s behavior is what is called for. Encourage your adult children to check with you about the truth of anything negative their mother says about you and promise to be honest with them. Eventually, most adult children will begin to see and understand the dynamics and will no longer take as true the negative things that are said about you by your soon-to-be-ex-wife. Give it time, and don’t give up.
9. Hire a lawyer and file for divorce. You may think that once you’re out of the house there’s no rush in filing for divorce or getting the process over with. That kind of thinking is usually a mistake. Once you file for divorce, many jurisdictions have standing court orders that protect your assets while you go through the divorce process—those orders do not take effect until the divorce petition is filed and served on your spouse.
This will (in theory) give you some recourse if your wife behaves badly and destroys property or runs up credit card debt. Also, your wife may not think you’ll actually go through with divorcing her until she is actually served with divorce papers. Actually filing the divorce petition is a very strong boundary that you can establish right away. If you have hired a lawyer, you can avoid contact with your wife by deflecting communications to your lawyer. Remember, she is still trying to engage you so that she can maintain her control over you. If you have little to no contact with her, she cannot regain her footing or exercise any control over you.
10. Disengage. End all contact with your abusive wife. This is really hard, so be prepared to struggle with this one. You will feel compelled to speak with her. You will feel extreme anxiety if you do not pick up the phone when she calls. Even if you hate it, it is difficult to break this pattern, but it is imperative that you figure out how to stick to it.
You may have to have some ongoing contact because of minor children. It is helpful to some men to have a list of canned replies that can be given in response to attempts to engage you and draw you into conversations. For instance: ”I will not discuss our property division with you, the lawyers will sort it out” or “The children will be available to be picked up at 6:00 on Friday at my mother’s house; please be on time.” You get the idea.
If you must communicate, keep it very short and limited to business and get out of the conversation after you have delivered your communication. You do not have to listen to what a sorry jerk you are. You do not have to explain yourself or make your wife understand your position—there is nothing productive that can come from such conversations.
11. Tell it like it really is. You’ve probably become an expert at making excuses for your wife’s behavior and hiding the truth from everyone outside of your marriage. Now it’s time to expose what’s really been going on. That’s not to say that it’s wise to parade around with a victim sign across your chest, but now it’s important that you face the truth yourself.
It may also be necessary to expose the truth in situations where your wife embarks on a smear campaign against you. It’s not uncommon for this type of woman to tell lies about you to your family members (her in-laws), your children, the kids’ teachers, your mutual friends, the parents of your kids’ playmates, therapists, pediatricians, social workers and whoever else will listen. You can defend yourself by exposing the truth. This is especially important in the legal context—it’s crucial that you control misinformation that could negatively affect you in court.