Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem
Quick test - Are you being abused?
If more than one of these is true (and there are many other symptoms) you need to consider if it's time to move on.
Does your spouse:
- Belittle you, verbally shout/scream/sneer/abuse you and/or huiliate you in front of people you know (e.g. friends, colleagues, family, or even online).
-Behave posessively to an extreme, and harass you with accusations about being unfaithful, interrogating you about where you were, who was there, when you arrived, when you left, etc..
-Refuse you your keys or your personal belongings or space, toss away your personal items, remove your things so that you feel you are "taking up space" that could be, in their opinion, better used (without considering how you feel),
- Try to control how you spend money or deliberately default on joint
financial obligations, or force you to make purchases you feel you cannot afford, pressuring you to keep up with the Jones' or be considered worthless. *often when you do spend it still leads to harassment,
- Make false allegations about you to your friends, employer, or the police,
or find other ways to manipulate and isolate you from people except those approved by him/her.
-Threaten to leave you and or prevent you from seeing your kids if you report
the abuse.
-Threaten to hurt the ones you love or threaten to refuse you access to the kids in one way or another when you leave.
If you answered yes to one or two of these, then you are probably living in a disrespectful home; if you answered yes to more than that, then you are living with abuse..
Abuse is not just against women; it is against men as well..
Some short excerpts from the stories of abused men:
"... she used to regularly scream at me and hit me, but when I needed
stitches in my head after she had attacked me with a knife while drunk, I had to
leave."
"I told my colleagues that I had scratched myself during the night due to
a change in washing powder - actually it was my wife who did it, but I couldn't
tell them that."
"After Betty had threatened me with a knife on more than one occasion, and I'd
successfully ducked missiles, she finally got her aim right one morning and hit
me with a bowl about one centimetre from my eye. I turned up to work that
morning with blood-stained clothing and had to explain my fragile situation."
Showing posts with label spousal abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spousal abuse. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 21, 2020
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Male Bashing on the Rise
Bismillahir Rahamaanir Raheem
Nothing changes until those who see wrong begin to put a stop to it. I've posted a few blogs about spousal abuse of men, and recent stats show that this continues to rise.
Until men start to walk out, and people start to support them in starting fresh, this wretched problem will continue to grow. Abusers need to know that enough is enough. They need to experience what it is to be completely alone in order to appreciate what a gift it is to have someone who cares. Simply put, this is how I feel.
Enough of the excuses, enough of the "I don't want to get involved" and the "Oh but its not done in the community." Enough is enough.
In the UK, male spousal abuse has grown to such an extent that ONE in EVERY SIX MEN is being abused by their spouse.
I will keep blogging about this scourge until people start to stand up and get counted. If women are the "fairer sex" they need to stand up and shine their good light on this! Women's abuse is not tolerated, why should men's abuse be??
It is not as prevalent in America but it is there, with 15% of all reported incidents being against men. Bearing in mind that men are 80% less likely to report spousal abuse, you do the math. There is just too much abuse going around. Here's just a few "highlights". (Full stories are available.)
A Seattle therapist who convicted of assault and required to pay a $500 fine, perform 100 hours of community service and have absolutely no contact with the woman says:
In Kelso, a man had been out drinking and came home to fall asleep on the couch. His wife took an iron skillet and beat him. He was taken to the emergency room of the hospital and stitched up. He was taken there by police, but no charges were filed against his wife.
My wife—in one of her drunken rages—took our daughter’s baseball bat and used it to smash the locked door to my study, where I was trying desperately to meet a deadline. And since I’m over 6 feet tall and muscular, I wouldn’t get much sympathy posing as a “battered man!”: I had thought of calling the police that night. When I recalled this incident to my divorce lawyer some time later, his response was: “It’s a good thing you didn’t, because the police probably would have arrested you.”
My son was married to a violent young woman for a few months before he left her. He is much larger than her and is a one time amateur boxing champion. She never used weapons, so she never came close to hurting him physically. But she hit him whenever she got the notion to, she cut up his clothes and threw them in the yard, she destroyed the trophies he had accumulated in various sports competitions since childhood, and she destroyed a wedding album my wife had made for them. Neither party was blameless, but the physical violence was all hers. If my son had ever hitten her, there would have been evidence for weeks.
I was in a hellish marriage with a woman who had difficulty controlling her rage, which would frequently erupt with her hitting, verbal abuse, and screaming. If fighting with her did occur, it was self-defense; if she threw a punch or kicked, I defended myself. In one particular case, after she initiated a fight by kicking and throwing punches, she called the police to report me as the violent abuser! When they responded, I was seen as the bad guy, she was the victim!
A man from Washington state---I am 6'2" and about 200 lbs. I have a solid background in wrestling and have dabbled in TKD and Judo. I am also a DV survivor. I am NOT a "victim"! ... I was awakened by her screaming as she came through the bedroom door swinging a baseball bat. She brought it down across my legs. I managed to avoid most of the blow and took the bat away from her by twisting it out of her hands. She went to the kitchen and got a marble rolling pin.
We've tried to find help for him but all of the shelters just answer in silence. It's a shame how he was treated by the police and that there are no shelters or groups to help men, they need it every bit as much as women. It's time to stop offering help to someone just because they are a women. Abuse is abuse, it does matter how the abuser is or how the abused is.
I know the terror that comes from domestic violence, in this case perpetrated by my mother.
-- a Seattle man
I have been verbally and psychologically battered and abused, I've been threatened with bodily harm, I've been threatened to be shot right between the eyes, I've been kicked in the groin, I've had to watch while my ex sexually molested my daughter and not dare interfere for fear of retaliation. Then 1 day she called 911 so fast and had me arrested, my head was literally spinning with disbelief. When trying to tell the officer that I was provoked and that she was hurting my daughter and that I was protecting my daughter, he told me that I had better keep quiet, I'd charge you with a felony if I could, he said. .. So now what do i do?
She slapped the walls in the hall way. ... She hit me in the arm a few times, goading me to hit back. ... As you can see the above picture doesn’t’ show any gross domestic violence.
Wife became very angry and she attacked me with a set of Porsche Keys - maybe three inches long. she stabbed me thirteen times. As I was trying to leave, she took our daughter and tried to throw her down the steps
Although she had been physically aggressive in the past, she turned downright violent toward me. It started by hitting me with the phone, throwing objects at me, kicking and clawing. She drew blood a number of times. Under advice from my attorney, I was warned that even taking a defensive position could be seen as an act of violence toward her. The ONLY physical action I took toward her was to restrain her from hitting or biting or kicking me. She was an expert at falling down and screaming -- "see kids, look at what your dad is doing to me."
Here's the kicker. I am a mental health professional, social worker and marriage and family therapist. I had blinders on like most guys. I interpreted her behavior as emotional disturbance, and would often sit up all night trying to comfort her after one of these episodes.
my lawyer looked at me like I was crazy when I told him ...
Why did I take it? I had a daughter that was small that was also screamed at and hit, and scared by stories of the bugger man getting her. I finally had to leave or get killed.
My wife of almost 9 years was a woman of an incredibly short temper and possessed the ability to swing from mood to mood faster than you could shake a stick at. Over the years, she had thrown things at me, including knives, slapped me, punched me, and shoved me on numerous occasions. I had always felt a sympathy towards her because of the fact that she had no one in her life that truly seemed to care for her. I was going to be her protector.
I believed if this got around, their would be a stigma. Some embarassment toward ex wives and present lovers. I didn't want my kids to hear these stories, or to have others in their world, discussing me regarding this issue.
I still don't understand why I stayed in that relationship as long as I did. I quess it was because she was such a great girl in every other way and I hoped she would change. I'm never going to go back into that kind of insanity again.
Funny, at the time I told myself I deserved it.
I was awarded temporary sole custody of my three children and possession of the marital home. My ex-wife was in shock and refused to leave ... Her attempts to provoke an incident increased. Finally one morning she cornered me alone in the kitchen and again began to punch me out after a nasty verbal exchange. Unfortunately, my 10 year old son witnessed this episode through a window while he headed for his school bus. I did not strike back. My ex then left and went to the police.
I was abused too many times and decided to end the relationship many times but I was unable to do so. Because she followed my each and every move and I was reluctant to file stalking charges against her because I did not want to hurt her feelings. The abuse intensified, she did not hesitate to hit me ... She also clawed me numerous time and even cut me with a knife. I was again failed to report the incidents to the authority. Many times she had threatened me that if I bring any charges against her, she would not hesitate to bring false charges against me ...
Her definition of the proper way to conduct an argument was to slap me around until I stopped disagreeing with her. ... However, I was willing to put up with it for the sake of her kids...at least until she started endangering them.
She was brassy, outspoken and told me she liked "big guys". I'm 6' and weigh in at 230. She held a knife to my throat and told me to get out of the apartment. I would not dare move because I thought she would kill me....she would tell friends very publicly why sex with me was difficult. She would later say it was meant to be a compliment...kidding about the size of my genitalia. I wasn't laughing. Every success I had was met with derision. Daily my shirts were ripped....my face was slapped...I was kicked....I was locked out. There was nothing I could do to make a difference. [After I left] she has told me repeatedly, "You're the only person who really understood me." The face I see as she speaks is still the one who held the knife.
Nothing changes until those who see wrong begin to put a stop to it. I've posted a few blogs about spousal abuse of men, and recent stats show that this continues to rise.
Until men start to walk out, and people start to support them in starting fresh, this wretched problem will continue to grow. Abusers need to know that enough is enough. They need to experience what it is to be completely alone in order to appreciate what a gift it is to have someone who cares. Simply put, this is how I feel.
Enough of the excuses, enough of the "I don't want to get involved" and the "Oh but its not done in the community." Enough is enough.
In the UK, male spousal abuse has grown to such an extent that ONE in EVERY SIX MEN is being abused by their spouse.
I will keep blogging about this scourge until people start to stand up and get counted. If women are the "fairer sex" they need to stand up and shine their good light on this! Women's abuse is not tolerated, why should men's abuse be??
It is not as prevalent in America but it is there, with 15% of all reported incidents being against men. Bearing in mind that men are 80% less likely to report spousal abuse, you do the math. There is just too much abuse going around. Here's just a few "highlights". (Full stories are available.)
A Seattle therapist who convicted of assault and required to pay a $500 fine, perform 100 hours of community service and have absolutely no contact with the woman says:
I was dumbfounded from the very start of the incident," the man says. "I was getting struck by this woman while I was holding my daughter and I was the one who called the police.
In Kelso, a man had been out drinking and came home to fall asleep on the couch. His wife took an iron skillet and beat him. He was taken to the emergency room of the hospital and stitched up. He was taken there by police, but no charges were filed against his wife.
My wife—in one of her drunken rages—took our daughter’s baseball bat and used it to smash the locked door to my study, where I was trying desperately to meet a deadline. And since I’m over 6 feet tall and muscular, I wouldn’t get much sympathy posing as a “battered man!”: I had thought of calling the police that night. When I recalled this incident to my divorce lawyer some time later, his response was: “It’s a good thing you didn’t, because the police probably would have arrested you.”
My son was married to a violent young woman for a few months before he left her. He is much larger than her and is a one time amateur boxing champion. She never used weapons, so she never came close to hurting him physically. But she hit him whenever she got the notion to, she cut up his clothes and threw them in the yard, she destroyed the trophies he had accumulated in various sports competitions since childhood, and she destroyed a wedding album my wife had made for them. Neither party was blameless, but the physical violence was all hers. If my son had ever hitten her, there would have been evidence for weeks.
I was in a hellish marriage with a woman who had difficulty controlling her rage, which would frequently erupt with her hitting, verbal abuse, and screaming. If fighting with her did occur, it was self-defense; if she threw a punch or kicked, I defended myself. In one particular case, after she initiated a fight by kicking and throwing punches, she called the police to report me as the violent abuser! When they responded, I was seen as the bad guy, she was the victim!
A man from Washington state---I am 6'2" and about 200 lbs. I have a solid background in wrestling and have dabbled in TKD and Judo. I am also a DV survivor. I am NOT a "victim"! ... I was awakened by her screaming as she came through the bedroom door swinging a baseball bat. She brought it down across my legs. I managed to avoid most of the blow and took the bat away from her by twisting it out of her hands. She went to the kitchen and got a marble rolling pin.
We've tried to find help for him but all of the shelters just answer in silence. It's a shame how he was treated by the police and that there are no shelters or groups to help men, they need it every bit as much as women. It's time to stop offering help to someone just because they are a women. Abuse is abuse, it does matter how the abuser is or how the abused is.
I know the terror that comes from domestic violence, in this case perpetrated by my mother.
-- a Seattle man
I have been verbally and psychologically battered and abused, I've been threatened with bodily harm, I've been threatened to be shot right between the eyes, I've been kicked in the groin, I've had to watch while my ex sexually molested my daughter and not dare interfere for fear of retaliation. Then 1 day she called 911 so fast and had me arrested, my head was literally spinning with disbelief. When trying to tell the officer that I was provoked and that she was hurting my daughter and that I was protecting my daughter, he told me that I had better keep quiet, I'd charge you with a felony if I could, he said. .. So now what do i do?
She slapped the walls in the hall way. ... She hit me in the arm a few times, goading me to hit back. ... As you can see the above picture doesn’t’ show any gross domestic violence.
Wife became very angry and she attacked me with a set of Porsche Keys - maybe three inches long. she stabbed me thirteen times. As I was trying to leave, she took our daughter and tried to throw her down the steps
Although she had been physically aggressive in the past, she turned downright violent toward me. It started by hitting me with the phone, throwing objects at me, kicking and clawing. She drew blood a number of times. Under advice from my attorney, I was warned that even taking a defensive position could be seen as an act of violence toward her. The ONLY physical action I took toward her was to restrain her from hitting or biting or kicking me. She was an expert at falling down and screaming -- "see kids, look at what your dad is doing to me."
Here's the kicker. I am a mental health professional, social worker and marriage and family therapist. I had blinders on like most guys. I interpreted her behavior as emotional disturbance, and would often sit up all night trying to comfort her after one of these episodes.
my lawyer looked at me like I was crazy when I told him ...
Why did I take it? I had a daughter that was small that was also screamed at and hit, and scared by stories of the bugger man getting her. I finally had to leave or get killed.
My wife of almost 9 years was a woman of an incredibly short temper and possessed the ability to swing from mood to mood faster than you could shake a stick at. Over the years, she had thrown things at me, including knives, slapped me, punched me, and shoved me on numerous occasions. I had always felt a sympathy towards her because of the fact that she had no one in her life that truly seemed to care for her. I was going to be her protector.
I believed if this got around, their would be a stigma. Some embarassment toward ex wives and present lovers. I didn't want my kids to hear these stories, or to have others in their world, discussing me regarding this issue.
I still don't understand why I stayed in that relationship as long as I did. I quess it was because she was such a great girl in every other way and I hoped she would change. I'm never going to go back into that kind of insanity again.
Funny, at the time I told myself I deserved it.
I was awarded temporary sole custody of my three children and possession of the marital home. My ex-wife was in shock and refused to leave ... Her attempts to provoke an incident increased. Finally one morning she cornered me alone in the kitchen and again began to punch me out after a nasty verbal exchange. Unfortunately, my 10 year old son witnessed this episode through a window while he headed for his school bus. I did not strike back. My ex then left and went to the police.
I was abused too many times and decided to end the relationship many times but I was unable to do so. Because she followed my each and every move and I was reluctant to file stalking charges against her because I did not want to hurt her feelings. The abuse intensified, she did not hesitate to hit me ... She also clawed me numerous time and even cut me with a knife. I was again failed to report the incidents to the authority. Many times she had threatened me that if I bring any charges against her, she would not hesitate to bring false charges against me ...
Her definition of the proper way to conduct an argument was to slap me around until I stopped disagreeing with her. ... However, I was willing to put up with it for the sake of her kids...at least until she started endangering them.
She was brassy, outspoken and told me she liked "big guys". I'm 6' and weigh in at 230. She held a knife to my throat and told me to get out of the apartment. I would not dare move because I thought she would kill me....she would tell friends very publicly why sex with me was difficult. She would later say it was meant to be a compliment...kidding about the size of my genitalia. I wasn't laughing. Every success I had was met with derision. Daily my shirts were ripped....my face was slapped...I was kicked....I was locked out. There was nothing I could do to make a difference. [After I left] she has told me repeatedly, "You're the only person who really understood me." The face I see as she speaks is still the one who held the knife.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Calling a stick a stick and a spade a spade
Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem
Today I want to share with you a little about my personal experiences with abuse.
I've always said that the problem with understanding both sides of an argument is that it makes it difficult to stand up for your own. You see, you can ALWAYS find a justification for abuse if you want to. You can always and I mean ALWAYS find some way to explain away a foul mouth and even the beatings. Why? Because abusers will either pick someone who is compassionate by nature or wear a person down until there is no backbone left in you and all you see is "their side". But if you get nothing else from this post, may it be this;
1) There is NO excuse for abuse. I don't care how you want to rationalise it, i don't care if you've done something wrong/stupid/silly/inappropriate. NOTHING justifies abuse. Fullstop.
2) Long term abusers don't change. Eventually, you turn into nothing, or you get out.
Let me qualify the last statement thus - how you can get out, or why you get out, what for you is the proverbial last straw, or the when you get out. - THAT you must think about carefully and THAT must be planned. (Note - you must have tried to do everything in your power to stop the abuse before you walk out, otherwise you're not proving anything to anyone.)
That said; the only thing I've never had (and Insh'Allah never will have) is the physical beating. But whilst sticks and stones can break your bones, words can annihilate you so much that you never recover.
Abusive words etch themselves slowly, almost impercetibly, into your soul and self-image, until one day you wake up dead on the inside, you conform to the abuse, you accept all the excuses you've told yourself for what they do, and you can't imagine ever getting out. All sorts of reasonings and excuses and explanations (some learnt, some self-imposed) suddenly wash over you when another abuse crisis hits, and they all seem suddenly more important than even your own survival. Even alcoholism and drugs suddenly seem an easier option than leaving. If you've lived that long with abuse then at this stage the only thing that will help you is someone who can (just as patiently as the abuser has broken you), rebuild your self esteem. That someone can be you, by educating yourself on the practicalities of abuse, reading about the experiences of others, and re-learning all those wonderful things that made you awesome when you met the abuser. . Or it can be someone who loves you, or it can be a professional.
You see, if you are still in an abusive relationship your greatest strength and your greatest weakness is probably your sense of compassion. It's time you start being compassionate towards YOU, in little ways, until you're strong enough to tackle the beast and eventually, if you're strong enough, you can WALK AWAY to live, not just "exist".
My personal story:
In my first job i worked for a boss who had just moved to the country and was keen to make her mark; You can imagine how I excused her every fault, me being so young and her being so new; she was new, she was adapting, she was "different", she needs to adjust, I knew all the excuses. Essentially she took credit for anything i did and would privately wittle away at my sense of personal achievement. Eager to learn, I excused it, until I literally and physically almost burnt out, medically. It built a little backbone in me to walk away, but it was extremely difficult. after all, I was young and I was afraid and I was taught to respect my elders. I wrote her a long letter after leaving as my healing process and then burnt the letter, imagining myself setting ME free all that negativity. So, for a few jobs I was okay, I learnt to operate in the corporate world and to find my "voice" again, thanks to managers who heard that voice and were driven towards productivity, not childish games.
Then I walked into a job and a manager who would prove to be my "nemisis". In his mid 40's, this man destroyed anyone he came in contact with and took great pleasure in doing so. No, this was not apparent in an interview. He initially made me feel like I was someone with potential who needed to "earn" his approval with the application of my mind. I had become an intellectual sponge so I thought I could really prove myself with my work ethic. Well, that sponge was soon soaked in the vinegar of daily verbal abuse; "you're UNbelievably STUPID!" and "God, is that what you really hope to contribute?" but he was clever; just like any abuser e alternated the abuse with showers of praise for a job well done and promises of "speaking to management about the excellent work I was doing" and so like a sheep I strove harder and harder to prove my "worthiness". Well, hello!!... Wasn't I worthy enough to GET the job? That didn't strike me at the time, though.. Some staff members ended up being institurionalised, one committed suicide, and a few remain scarred for life. None of them ever left. I guess i was the lucky one who did. Allahuakbar.
At the same time I was "married" to an abuser. "Someone" (this is how we shall refer to this person) oscilated between seeing spirituality as stupid and seeing it as crazy, and I was part and parcel of the seeing. I was so tired of tackling the "work challenge" that I didn't immediately recognise the inciduous erosion of character "someone" was busy with. I pretended to wash off the "you're so stupid" laughing comments or the "Agh shutup what do you know" initially. It had to be ME, right? Then the subtle punishments and erosion of character stepped up; when I didn't react, there was always a punishment. One day I reflected back to "someone" saying "are you aware that you're punishing me for attending a church service?" To which I was promptly told "yes." so I asked "why?" and was told "Because I can". And the sarcastic laughter dripped, silenced any further argument. Any comment was taken as worthless and arbitrary and well, stupid. I was stupid, regardless of any circumstance. In retrospect my only stupidity was not leaving sooner.
To make a very long sad story short, the mind games are part and parcel of abuse. If you've been abused, you know what I'm talking about. "Someone" would arrive but not say a word, practically hiding out of sight for hours without my knowing. Then "someone" would act surprised - "what's your problem", and eventually, you don't argue back anymore. Or things would be done or undone and I was made to feel as though I was either crazy or I had imagined it all. Eventually, anything I attempted to do as an individual in a personal or intellectual capacity was "doomed for failure" and reason for ridicule. If success was imminent, I'd soon loose that small flicker of hope from the continuous wearing down of my own self esteem.
Then, it became outright cruel. So reader, yes, I've been locked in a bedroom/bathroom/car because someone "didn't notice I was there" or "enter maniacal mocking laughter here". Heck, I've locked myself in too, just to avoid "someone". I've had things thrown, heard all the usual , had doors banged, lights flicked on and off continuously whilst I attempted to sleep (with no explanation just a stone cold stare, mind you). I've been robbed of any decision making capacity and had to explain every single dime spent over the last 3 months (in retrospect and as a test). And much more. So i probably have a good idea of what you're going through if you say there's emotional or psychological abuse going on.
What saved me? Islam. In short. It opened my eyes.
And then as a muslim Allah gave me my beloved husband Mohammed who from the time we met until today has made me feel worthy to be alive rather than just EXIST, and to whom I will always be grateful.
Studying about Islam, comparing it to my christian and catholic upbringing, to my sad reality (even if at the time I didn't acknowledge it was that bad) I couldn't believe that I'd been living this way without doing anything about walking out. I had lied to myself - alot - (SO much!) - and I regret to say to others, to cover up my personal abuse. It was only after I LEFT "someone" that I realised that I had been afraid - afraid beyond the word fear; the kind of afraid like a child afraid of ghosts she just KNOWS are under the bed, or the kind of afraid where you've been living in a war zone as a prisioner and then when you hear a firecracker you think you're dying? That kind of afraid. It was only after I was living on my own that I struggled with the quasi panic attacks and then had to talk myself down saying "nobody's coming in here, its okay, you're okay".
My point is this - don't tell me psychological abuse doesn't break you. Don't tell me it doesn't taint you the saddest shade of desperate you've ever been, and don't tell me it is "liveable"or "necessary". I have 0 (ZERO) tolerance for abusers of any shape or form, today. I have sympathy and empathy for those who are abused, yes. And perhaps because of what I went through, I have even LESS tolerance for women abusers. Women who have kind, gentle souls for husbands. My husband today, my SoulMate, is such a man who is kind and gentle. A man who Allah sent to redeem my heart and save my soul, Alhamdolilah. If I am completely honest, had Allah not sent him I would today be either dead or have committed suicide. Sometimes, as i said in the beginning, it takes someone who will patiently and slowly piece together all the little bits of you until you can stand again. So what if you have a few cracks left behind? They are the soul wrinkles of experience, in my opinion! So if women out there have gentle souls as a spouse and are abusive to them, well, I have NO tolerance for that.
One day, one evening in fact, it hit me, whilst I was still living "there". It was over . My existance as a captive to this prisioner, it was just that - an existance. Not a life. The "life" I thought I'd been living was in fact an illusion, i had simply been surviving, in captivitity. Islam told me I wasn't a captive, so how could I be there, still? Islam told me there is only ONE God, so why was I accepting abuse from a tyrant - was this tyrant God? No. IT was time. I had to face up to the fact that abuse meant that the person I thought I'd known actually didn't exist. THat person NEVER existed. The only thing that existed was the role, the title, but the person? No. That was all an illusion. If you're reading this thinking about the person you are tied to as "not so bad" yet you are living with abuse, I ask you to consider; if you see this person through the hard cold reality of WHAT they are rather than the role YOU assigned to them, (mother/wife/companion/old friend) - if you see that person for WHAT THEY TRULY DO to you, and WHAT they truly are (abusers) then you will know what it's like to come face to face with the illusion.
IT is time, for you, perhaps, to turn to that "compassionate" person inside you who is always looking for excuses to dismiss the abuse, and see yourself for your own brokenness, and see yourself with compassion, and your own need for compassion. If the abuse is new, get help. If it's old, get out. You do not owe it to your community, your family, your culture or anyone else to continue to be abused. That sense of "owing" is an illusion, quite possibly planted as a sense of loyalty by the abuser themself. You do not owe it to ALLAH to be abused because HE says.
"O My servants, I have forbidden oppression for Myself and have made it forbidden amongst you, so do not oppress one another.
An-Nawawi's Hadith No.24
Allah's Messenger (SAW) said:
**************************************** If the abuse is new, TELL SOMEONE - someone who will believe you, or tell someone UNTIL they believe you. Get help for YOUR OWN self esteem, to build yourself up. Take a course, do something to re-learn that you ARE a valid human being! *************************************** Food for thought: In the name of Allah, the Most-Merciful, the All-Compassionate
Today I want to share with you a little about my personal experiences with abuse.
I've always said that the problem with understanding both sides of an argument is that it makes it difficult to stand up for your own. You see, you can ALWAYS find a justification for abuse if you want to. You can always and I mean ALWAYS find some way to explain away a foul mouth and even the beatings. Why? Because abusers will either pick someone who is compassionate by nature or wear a person down until there is no backbone left in you and all you see is "their side". But if you get nothing else from this post, may it be this;
1) There is NO excuse for abuse. I don't care how you want to rationalise it, i don't care if you've done something wrong/stupid/silly/inappropriate. NOTHING justifies abuse. Fullstop.
2) Long term abusers don't change. Eventually, you turn into nothing, or you get out.
Let me qualify the last statement thus - how you can get out, or why you get out, what for you is the proverbial last straw, or the when you get out. - THAT you must think about carefully and THAT must be planned. (Note - you must have tried to do everything in your power to stop the abuse before you walk out, otherwise you're not proving anything to anyone.)
That said; the only thing I've never had (and Insh'Allah never will have) is the physical beating. But whilst sticks and stones can break your bones, words can annihilate you so much that you never recover.
Abusive words etch themselves slowly, almost impercetibly, into your soul and self-image, until one day you wake up dead on the inside, you conform to the abuse, you accept all the excuses you've told yourself for what they do, and you can't imagine ever getting out. All sorts of reasonings and excuses and explanations (some learnt, some self-imposed) suddenly wash over you when another abuse crisis hits, and they all seem suddenly more important than even your own survival. Even alcoholism and drugs suddenly seem an easier option than leaving. If you've lived that long with abuse then at this stage the only thing that will help you is someone who can (just as patiently as the abuser has broken you), rebuild your self esteem. That someone can be you, by educating yourself on the practicalities of abuse, reading about the experiences of others, and re-learning all those wonderful things that made you awesome when you met the abuser. . Or it can be someone who loves you, or it can be a professional.
You see, if you are still in an abusive relationship your greatest strength and your greatest weakness is probably your sense of compassion. It's time you start being compassionate towards YOU, in little ways, until you're strong enough to tackle the beast and eventually, if you're strong enough, you can WALK AWAY to live, not just "exist".
My personal story:
In my first job i worked for a boss who had just moved to the country and was keen to make her mark; You can imagine how I excused her every fault, me being so young and her being so new; she was new, she was adapting, she was "different", she needs to adjust, I knew all the excuses. Essentially she took credit for anything i did and would privately wittle away at my sense of personal achievement. Eager to learn, I excused it, until I literally and physically almost burnt out, medically. It built a little backbone in me to walk away, but it was extremely difficult. after all, I was young and I was afraid and I was taught to respect my elders. I wrote her a long letter after leaving as my healing process and then burnt the letter, imagining myself setting ME free all that negativity. So, for a few jobs I was okay, I learnt to operate in the corporate world and to find my "voice" again, thanks to managers who heard that voice and were driven towards productivity, not childish games.
Then I walked into a job and a manager who would prove to be my "nemisis". In his mid 40's, this man destroyed anyone he came in contact with and took great pleasure in doing so. No, this was not apparent in an interview. He initially made me feel like I was someone with potential who needed to "earn" his approval with the application of my mind. I had become an intellectual sponge so I thought I could really prove myself with my work ethic. Well, that sponge was soon soaked in the vinegar of daily verbal abuse; "you're UNbelievably STUPID!" and "God, is that what you really hope to contribute?" but he was clever; just like any abuser e alternated the abuse with showers of praise for a job well done and promises of "speaking to management about the excellent work I was doing" and so like a sheep I strove harder and harder to prove my "worthiness". Well, hello!!... Wasn't I worthy enough to GET the job? That didn't strike me at the time, though.. Some staff members ended up being institurionalised, one committed suicide, and a few remain scarred for life. None of them ever left. I guess i was the lucky one who did. Allahuakbar.
At the same time I was "married" to an abuser. "Someone" (this is how we shall refer to this person) oscilated between seeing spirituality as stupid and seeing it as crazy, and I was part and parcel of the seeing. I was so tired of tackling the "work challenge" that I didn't immediately recognise the inciduous erosion of character "someone" was busy with. I pretended to wash off the "you're so stupid" laughing comments or the "Agh shutup what do you know" initially. It had to be ME, right? Then the subtle punishments and erosion of character stepped up; when I didn't react, there was always a punishment. One day I reflected back to "someone" saying "are you aware that you're punishing me for attending a church service?" To which I was promptly told "yes." so I asked "why?" and was told "Because I can". And the sarcastic laughter dripped, silenced any further argument. Any comment was taken as worthless and arbitrary and well, stupid. I was stupid, regardless of any circumstance. In retrospect my only stupidity was not leaving sooner.
To make a very long sad story short, the mind games are part and parcel of abuse. If you've been abused, you know what I'm talking about. "Someone" would arrive but not say a word, practically hiding out of sight for hours without my knowing. Then "someone" would act surprised - "what's your problem", and eventually, you don't argue back anymore. Or things would be done or undone and I was made to feel as though I was either crazy or I had imagined it all. Eventually, anything I attempted to do as an individual in a personal or intellectual capacity was "doomed for failure" and reason for ridicule. If success was imminent, I'd soon loose that small flicker of hope from the continuous wearing down of my own self esteem.
Then, it became outright cruel. So reader, yes, I've been locked in a bedroom/bathroom/car because someone "didn't notice I was there" or "enter maniacal mocking laughter here". Heck, I've locked myself in too, just to avoid "someone". I've had things thrown, heard all the usual , had doors banged, lights flicked on and off continuously whilst I attempted to sleep (with no explanation just a stone cold stare, mind you). I've been robbed of any decision making capacity and had to explain every single dime spent over the last 3 months (in retrospect and as a test). And much more. So i probably have a good idea of what you're going through if you say there's emotional or psychological abuse going on.
What saved me? Islam. In short. It opened my eyes.
And then as a muslim Allah gave me my beloved husband Mohammed who from the time we met until today has made me feel worthy to be alive rather than just EXIST, and to whom I will always be grateful.
Studying about Islam, comparing it to my christian and catholic upbringing, to my sad reality (even if at the time I didn't acknowledge it was that bad) I couldn't believe that I'd been living this way without doing anything about walking out. I had lied to myself - alot - (SO much!) - and I regret to say to others, to cover up my personal abuse. It was only after I LEFT "someone" that I realised that I had been afraid - afraid beyond the word fear; the kind of afraid like a child afraid of ghosts she just KNOWS are under the bed, or the kind of afraid where you've been living in a war zone as a prisioner and then when you hear a firecracker you think you're dying? That kind of afraid. It was only after I was living on my own that I struggled with the quasi panic attacks and then had to talk myself down saying "nobody's coming in here, its okay, you're okay".
My point is this - don't tell me psychological abuse doesn't break you. Don't tell me it doesn't taint you the saddest shade of desperate you've ever been, and don't tell me it is "liveable"or "necessary". I have 0 (ZERO) tolerance for abusers of any shape or form, today. I have sympathy and empathy for those who are abused, yes. And perhaps because of what I went through, I have even LESS tolerance for women abusers. Women who have kind, gentle souls for husbands. My husband today, my SoulMate, is such a man who is kind and gentle. A man who Allah sent to redeem my heart and save my soul, Alhamdolilah. If I am completely honest, had Allah not sent him I would today be either dead or have committed suicide. Sometimes, as i said in the beginning, it takes someone who will patiently and slowly piece together all the little bits of you until you can stand again. So what if you have a few cracks left behind? They are the soul wrinkles of experience, in my opinion! So if women out there have gentle souls as a spouse and are abusive to them, well, I have NO tolerance for that.
One day, one evening in fact, it hit me, whilst I was still living "there". It was over . My existance as a captive to this prisioner, it was just that - an existance. Not a life. The "life" I thought I'd been living was in fact an illusion, i had simply been surviving, in captivitity. Islam told me I wasn't a captive, so how could I be there, still? Islam told me there is only ONE God, so why was I accepting abuse from a tyrant - was this tyrant God? No. IT was time. I had to face up to the fact that abuse meant that the person I thought I'd known actually didn't exist. THat person NEVER existed. The only thing that existed was the role, the title, but the person? No. That was all an illusion. If you're reading this thinking about the person you are tied to as "not so bad" yet you are living with abuse, I ask you to consider; if you see this person through the hard cold reality of WHAT they are rather than the role YOU assigned to them, (mother/wife/companion/old friend) - if you see that person for WHAT THEY TRULY DO to you, and WHAT they truly are (abusers) then you will know what it's like to come face to face with the illusion.
IT is time, for you, perhaps, to turn to that "compassionate" person inside you who is always looking for excuses to dismiss the abuse, and see yourself for your own brokenness, and see yourself with compassion, and your own need for compassion. If the abuse is new, get help. If it's old, get out. You do not owe it to your community, your family, your culture or anyone else to continue to be abused. That sense of "owing" is an illusion, quite possibly planted as a sense of loyalty by the abuser themself. You do not owe it to ALLAH to be abused because HE says.
"O My servants, I have forbidden oppression for Myself and have made it forbidden amongst you, so do not oppress one another.
An-Nawawi's Hadith No.24
Allah's Messenger (SAW) said:
| "Beware of oppression, for oppression will be a darkness on the Day of Resurrection ." (Muslim) |
**************************************** If the abuse is new, TELL SOMEONE - someone who will believe you, or tell someone UNTIL they believe you. Get help for YOUR OWN self esteem, to build yourself up. Take a course, do something to re-learn that you ARE a valid human being! *************************************** Food for thought: In the name of Allah, the Most-Merciful, the All-Compassionate
Bismillah Walhamdulillah Was Salaatu Was Salaam 'ala Rasulillah
As-Salaam Alaikum Wa-Rahmatullahi Wa-Barakatuhu
On the authority of Abu Dharr al-Ghifari (may Allah be pleased with him) from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) is that among the sayings he relates from his Lord (may He be glorified) is that He said: -
"O My servants, I have forbidden oppression for Myself and have made it forbidden
"O My servants, I have forbidden oppression for Myself and have made it forbidden
amongst you, so do not oppress one another.
O My servants, all of you are astray except for those I have guided, so seek guidance
O My servants, all of you are astray except for those I have guided, so seek guidance
of Me and I shall guide you.
O My servants, all of you are hungry except for those I have fed, so seek food of
O My servants, all of you are hungry except for those I have fed, so seek food of
Me and I shall feed you.
O My servants, all of you are naked except for those I have clothed, so seek
O My servants, all of you are naked except for those I have clothed, so seek
clothing of Me and I shall clothe you.
O My servants, you sin by night and by day, and I forgive all sins, so seek
O My servants, you sin by night and by day, and I forgive all sins, so seek
forgiveness of Me and I shall forgive you.
O My servants, you will not attain harming Me so as to harm Me, and you
O My servants, you will not attain harming Me so as to harm Me, and you
will not attain benefiting Me so as to benefit Me.
O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn
O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn
of you to be as pious as the most pious heart of any one man of you,
that would not increase My kingdom in anything.
O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you
O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you
to be as wicked as the most wicked heart of any one man of you,
that would not decrease My kingdom in anything.
O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn
O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn
of you to rise up in one place and make a request of Me, and were I to give everyone
what he requested, that would not decrease what I have, any more
than a needle decreases the sea if put into it.
O My servants, it is but your deeds that I reckon up for you and then recompense
O My servants, it is but your deeds that I reckon up for you and then recompense
you for, so let him who finds good praise Allah
and let him who finds other than that blame no
and let him who finds other than that blame no
one but himself."
It was related by Muslim (also by at-Tirmidhi and Ibn Majah).
!! 'SUBHANALLAH' !!
'Never Despair Of The Mercy Of Allah'.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Chains that bind
Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem
In cases of abuse, it is not uncommon for the abused to stay in the situation for prolonged periods of time (sometimes indefinately) for reasons ranging from fear of society to fear of the abuser to fears instilled BY the abuser that the children will not be looked after, etc. etc. It is also true as studies have shown that when the abused or abuser leaves for any period of time (or permanently) there is an adjustment period akin to drug withdrawal. Why? Because the victim has become wrapped in the tentacles of oppression so far that when the pressure is off, they have "phantom pains".. the chemicals are out of balance. This is why psychological abuse is worse than physical. Bruises heal. Emotions and the psyche may never recover..
To help victims regain their balance and sense of self-worth one must seek first to help them understand the chains that bind, then let them decide. AFter all, why would they stay? What binds them? These chains that bind are called Traumatic Bonding.
Traumatic bonding is defined as “strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other.” (Dutton & Painter, 1981).
As any abused person will know, the abuser seeks to control, undermine and dictate life (pretty much) to the abused. The cycles of abuse followed by kindness create a cycle of altered chemical states and emotional states, a "rollercoaster" if you will, to which the abused may become accustomed and even, chemically, addicted. Victims "need" the drama, eventually, and this simply contributes to more abuse. One of the biggest lies of the Shaytaan, I believe, is that anyone deserves abuse or anyone must stay in an oppressive environment. I will be posting an article documenting several studies on abuse recently undertaken for men who are abused by their partners. In the meantime, ARE YOU TRAUMATICALLY BONDED? Take this self-help test.. (Copyright to Patrcik Carnes, Ph.D.) Answer yes or no to the questions..
Traumatic Bonding Self Test
By Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.
The following are a series of statements which describe traumatic bonding in which a person bonds on the basis of betrayal. The result is what we call a "betrayal bond". Check each "Yes" response as appropriate.
1)Do you obsess about people who have hurt you even through they are long gone?
2)Do you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain?
3)Do you go "overboard" to help people who have been destructive to you?
4)Do you continue to be a "team" member when obviously things are becoming destructive?
5)Do you continue attempts to get people to like you who are clearly using you?
6)Do you trust people again and again who are proven to be unreliable?
7)Are you unable to retreat from unhealthy relationships?
8)Do you try to be understood by those who clearly do not care?
9)Do you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away?
10)Do you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen?
....
11)Are you loyal to people who have betrayed you?
12)Do you attract untrustworthy people?
13)Have you kept damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse?
14)Do you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility?
15)Do you find yourself covering up, defending, or explaining a relationship?
16)When there is a constant pattern of non-performance in a relationship, do you continue to expect them to follow through anyway?
17)Do you have repetitive, destructive fights that are no win for anybody?
18)Do you find that others are horrified by something that has happened to you and you are not?
19)Do you obsess about showing someone that they are wrong about you, your relationship, or their treatment of you?
.....
20)Do you feel stuck because you know what the other is doing is destructive, but you believe you cannot do anything about it?
21)Do you feel loyal to someone even though you harbor secrets that are damaging to others?
22)Do you move closer to someone you know is destructive to you even though you do not trust, like or care for the person?
24)Do you find you cannot detach from someone even though you do not trust, like or care for the person?
25)Do you find yourself missing a relationship, even to the point of nostalgia and longing, that was so awful it almost destroyed you?
26)Are extraordinary demands placed on you to measure up as a way to cover up exploitation?
27)Do you keep secret someone's destructive behavior because of all of the good they have done or the importance of their position or career?
28)Does your relationship have contacts or promises that have been broken which you are asked to overlook?
29)Are you attracted to "dangerous" people?
30)Do you stay in a relationship longer than you should?
(PLEASE SEE BELOW FOR FURTHER QUESTIONS)
If you have answered yes to several of these questions, you may want to schedule an initial assessment to explore further any concerns that were raised.
For more information about Insideout Living, Inc. and therapy options, visit
http://www.insideoutlivinginc.org.
Traumatic Bonding Self Test
By Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.
Provided by
Insideout Living, Inc.
1618 Orrington Ave., Ste. 202
Evanston, IL 60201
(847) 328-7588
info@insideoutlivinginc.orgMY QUESTIONS to you, having read the above, are this:
1) Do you fear the abuser more than Allah?
2) Do you believe you will be powerless to help your children because of this abuser? IF so, read question 1 again.
3) Do you fear loosing what you have worked for because of this abuser? IF so, read question 1 again.
4) Do you think there is nothing you can do to get out? IF so, read question 1 again.
5) Do you trust your own ability more than you trust ALLAH?
6) Do you keep hoping things will change, because you don't want to face the alternative, the community, the aloneness? IF so, read question 5 again.
7) Do you fear that its too late to start over? If so, read question 5 again.
8) Do you believe no-one will love you if you let go and walk away? If so, read question 5 again.
9) Do you believe the Shaytaan, or do you believe ALLAH is AL RAHMAAN, AL RAHEEM?
10) Do you fear the abuser will destroy your reputation with your kids/your community/your family? If so, read question 9 again.
11) Do you fear that it will take too long/ be too difficult/ to start over, away from the abuser due to your age/their finances/family/community? If so, read question 9 again.
12) Do you believe the abuser is right about you, do you believe you are worthless, incapable, unable to live/thrive/ have dignity without them? IF SO - YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN YOUR KALIMA, If ALLAH does not allow oppression, who are YOU to allow it, even over your OWN self, which is given to you in Amaana?
Please note - I am a women. I am not an abuser. Lots of us aren't. Lots of us are. Chose carefully.
ALLAH
QURAN
MUHAMMAD (saw)
HADITH
SUNNAT
then.. subr.. IN THAT ORDER.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Understanding BULLIES
Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem
Another superb article from heart2heart. In order to live lives with some sense of sanity, its critical that we understand how it is that bullies yield the power that they do! Heart2heart offers incredible insight into these personality deviant individuals and is intelligently and authoratatively written. DO visit their website or refer anyone to them who is being bullied - parents of bullied children, employees being bullied and/or abused spouses can learn a great deal from this site! All credit to http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/save-yourself/bully-primer-5.htm (the pictures between are my own addition)
The 4 Primary Types of Bullies
Profiling serial bullies... The profile of a serial bully covers the most commonly-reported behaviours of serial bullies. From casework, Tim Field has been able to identify four primary types of serial bully.The bully wants to enjoy the benefits of living in the adult world, but is unable and unwilling to accept the responsibilities that go with enjoying the benefits of the adult world.
The Attention-Seeker
Mindset: control freak, manipulation, narcissism
Malice: medium to high; when held accountable, very high
- emotionally immature
- selectively friendly - is sickly sweet to some people, rude and offhand to others, and ignores the rest
- is cold and aggressive towards anyone who sees them for what they really are or exposes their strategies for gaining attention
- overfriendly with their new target, especially in the initial stages of a new working relationship
- overhelpful, ditto
- overgenerous, ditto
- manipulative of people's perceptions, but in an amateur and childish manner
- manipulative with guilt, ditto
- sycophantic, fawning, toadying
- uses flattery to keep a person in authority on side
- everything is a drama, usually a poor-me drama
- prefers not to solve problems in own life so that they can be used and re-used for gaining sympathy and attention
- capitalises on issues and uses them as a soapbox for gaining attention
- exploits others' suffering and grief as a vehicle for gaining attention
- misappropriates others' statements, eg anything which can be misconstrued as politically incorrect, for control and attention-seeking
- excusitis, makes excuses for everything
- shows a lot of indignation, especially when challenged
- lots of self-pity
- often as miserable as sin, apart from carefully constructed moments of charm when in the act of deceiving
- demanding of others
- easily provoked
- feigns victimhood when held accountable, usually by bursting into tears or claiming they're the one being bullied and harassed
- presents as a false victim when outwitted
- may feign exclusion, isolation or persecution
- malicious
- constantly tries and will do almost anything to be in the spotlight
- includes Munchausen Syndrome
- the focus of their life is to be the centre of attention
The Wannabe
Mindset: deceptive
Malice: low to medium; when held accountable, medium to high
- similar to the attention-seeker
- is one of life's chronic underperformers and is best described as ineffectual in everything
- craves undeserved respect and attention and will go to considerable lengths to acquire them
- hangs around the fringes of a profession
- not professionally qualified but claims they are a professional because they sit next to a professional or work alongside or near or in the midst of professionals, or provide services to professionals
- lacks the ability, competence and professionalism to be a qualified professional
- wants so much to be seen as competent professional person but is unable and unwilling to put in the work to achieve this
- is unable and unwilling to apply knowledge gained from experience but instead devotes time and effort to improving skills of deception, manipulation, false claim, denial and projection
- may have been rejected by their chosen profession for lack of competence
- is spiteful towards and despises anyone who is qualified in the profession from which the bully has been excluded by virtue of lack of competence
- is likely to be vilifying the profession they want to belong to or which they're claiming to be part of or which they are claiming to represent
- displays a deep-seated envy and jealousy of the professionals that he or she works alongside or claims to serve
- harbours a bitter resentment, grudge, distaste and contempt for the professionals that he or she works alongside or claims to serve
- is likely to be criticising, condemning, disadvantaging and causing detriment to the professionals he or she works alongside or claims to serve
- may seek positions of power over the professionals he or she works alongside or claims to serve, perhaps to facilitate a compulsion to criticise, condemn, disadvantage and cause detriment
- is irresistibly drawn to organisations, roles and positions which offer the wannabe power and control over the professionals s/he despises (eg inspection regimes, approval roles, regulatory bodies, ticksheet compliance schemes, political correctness police, trade union official, etc) - and is often described as a talentless jobsworth
- when in a position of power associates with and makes alliances with or surrounds him or herself with clones, drones, minions, fellow wannabes, sycophants and brown-nosers
- instinctively objects to any suggestion of change, reform, improvement, progress or evolution, but has no viable or positive alternatives of their own
- opposes every idea, suggestion, opinion, contribution or reform on principle but has no original, positive, constructive ideas or contributions of his or her own
- is likely to plagiarise and steal others' ideas which are then put forward as their own
- may place undue emphasis or reliance on an old, minor or irrelevant qualification to bolster their claim of belonging to or deserving to belong to a profession
- may claim ambiguous or misleading or bogus or fraudulent qualifications, associations and experience
- displays a superior sense of entitlement because they associate with or serve higher performers
- emotionally immature
- controlling
- easily provoked
- when challenged is adept at rewriting history to portray themselves as competent, professional and successful, regardless of multiple witnesses and overwhelming evidence to the contrary
- quickly and loudly feigns victimhood when exposed and held accountable, often repeatedly and loudly accusing the person holding them accountable of being a bully
- when held accountable makes conflicting and contradictory threats and demands (eg demands apology but orders the other person not to communicate with them)
- when held accountable makes lots of loud but empty threats (eg of legal action such as libel, slander, defamation etc)
- only carries out threats of legal action when in the presence of a superior serial bully, especially a sociopath type
- may indulge their jealousy and envy of professionals or those they claim to serve by pursuing vindictive vendettas, sometimes with the help of a superior serial bully, especially a sociopath type
- is easily manipulated and controlled by a superior serial bully
- female wannabes may be arch bullies (some people might call them puppetmasters or queen bees)
- may surround herself with drones of the opposite sex
- may exploit some perceived vulnerability in self to ensure drone loyalty
- gives the appearance of loyalty to drones but will discard them when they've served their purpose
- is likely to have affairs to gain power, status or position
The Guru
Mindset: confusion, inability to understand how others think and feel
Malice: zero to low; when held accountable, low to medium (it's often the absence of malice that identifies a guru type of serial bully) but could be medium to high if narcissistic or psychopathic traits are present
- often successful in their narrow field of expertise
- regarded as an expert
- valued by the employer because s/he brings in the money, status etc
- ruthlessly pursues objectives regardless of the cost
- ruthless determination to succeed
- can be successful over the medium term in their field
- task focused
- zero people skills
- control freak
- mainly but not exclusively male
- often has a favourite who receives extra attention but who is expected to reciprocate with sycophancy
- favours, protects and promotes non-threatening sycophants whilst marginalizing and hindering the advancement of those with higher levels of competence, especially in people skills
- apt to betray those formerly favoured, especially when the favoured person starts to show independence of thought or action, or starts to receive more attention or become more popular than their mentor
- a male Guru in a position of power may exhibit inappropriate sexual conduct
- gauche, aggressive and unpleasant but not evil
- may not be overtly attention-seeking but dislikes those around them getting more attention than they're getting, or getting attention which doesn't include the bully
- selfish, self-centred, self-opinionated, dogmatic and thoughtless and with a tendency to pontificate
- apt to throw temper tantrums when things don't go well or can't get their own way
- emotionally immature, perhaps emotionless, sometimes cold and frigid
- convincingly intellectualises feelings to compensate for emotional immaturity
- intelligent (often highly) but lacks common sense
- is happy to lie to suit own purposes
- can have a rigid routine
- does not accept responsibility for their own behavior
- blames others for own inadequacies
- refuses to recognise that they could have any shortcomings of their own
- does not live in the present
- usually extremely neat (for example, desk is always clear)
- organized (sometimes overly)
- tempts fate but always gets away with it
- has stereotypical ideas about gender roles (though this may not be expressed consciously)
- makes assumptions about others' thoughts
- does not follow social rules, for example may display bad table manners in public
- appears unable and unwilling to engage in and sustain small talk
- seems unaware of the nature and purpose of rapport
- seems to exhibit some symptoms similar to autism, although autistic people tend to be shy, introspective and lack manipulative skills and are usually the targets of bullying, not the perpetrators (it's unknown whether there might be a common cause or whether the similarities are just a superficial coincidence) [more on autism]
- appears unable to read people and their thoughts and especially feelings
- when held accountable exhibits genuine confusion as to why their behaviour is inappropriate
- in cases where malice is low or absent the person my be regarded as somewhat avuncular or mildly jovial or charismatic in nature
- likes the appearance of normalcy but rejects responsibilities of relationships
- is unable to comprehend or meet the emotional needs of others
- often puts work and duty above everything, including relationships
- makes power plays, for example leaves the room when someone is speaking, or pretends not to hear and constantly asking a person to repeat what they just said, etc
- doesn't share information about self (thoughts, insights, etc) and is not open to receiving this type of information from others (allegedly knows it all already) secretive
- possessive of objects and sometimes people
- may view people as objects (this enables controlling behaviour of other people)
- thinks of self as superior and above the law / rules / regulations etc (these only apply to other people)
- uses denial as a defence mechanism
- there are likely to be problems with succession
The Socialised Psychopath or Sociopath
Mindset: manipulation, deception, evil
Malice: high to very high; when held accountable, off the scale
Also known as the corporate psychopath, workplace psychopath, industrial psychopath and administrative psychopath.
- Jekyll & Hyde personality
- always charming and beguilingly plausible, especially to those who are capable of protecting or enhancing the sociopath's position
- excels at deception (this must never be underestimated, but always is)
- excels at evasion of accountability
- is extremely and successfully manipulative of people's perceptions and emotions (eg guilt and anger)
- silver-tongued, has an extreme verbal facility and can outwit anybody (including a top barrister) in verbal conflict
- will often engineer himself or herself into a position of authority as gatekeeper of the organisation and thus the person through whom all information must flow, and the person to whom all requests for services must be referred - which he or she then takes delight in denying
- is adept at offering weak and inadequate people the positions of power, control, security, influence or respect that they crave but who lack the necessary competencies to achieve - such people are unaware that their consequent dependence on the sociopath makes them permanent manipulatees, pawns and expendable agents of harassment
- identifies those essential to the sociopath's survival and manipulates their perceptions them by making them feel special and thus obligated to reciprocate with support and protection
- manipulates others into making fools of themselves in situations where they cannot back down or from which they cannot withdraw - these people become increasingly susceptible to further manipulation and are then trapped as pawns in the sociopath's game
- is likely to be surrounded by people who, having been subjected to control, manipulation and punishment by the sociopath, look wretched and who start to exhibit behaviour best described as disordered, dysfunctional, sullen, aggressive, defensive, hostile, retaliatory, counterproductive or cult-like and for whom disbelief, disavowal and denial are instinctive responses
- creates an environment where levels of denial are so great that those involved are oblivious of the foolishness and self-evident absurdity of their denials when presented with the facts, with the result that non-involved observers are led to question whether such levels of denial merit psychiatric intervention
- is contemptuous of disrepute to their organisation and of collateral damage and of the destructive consequences for all direct and indirect parties
- is always surrounded by and leaves behind a trail of dysfunctional organisations, destroyed businesses, ruined careers, stress breakdowns and unexplained suicides
- despite a trail of devastation to individuals, organisations, families and communities, the actions of a socialised psychopath may go undetected or unrecognised for years
- a history of conducting frivolous, vexatious and malicious legal actions, especially (but not exclusively) against anyone who can recognise the sociopath for what he is
- only after the sociopath is exposed and relieved of position, or they move on, can the full depth of their destructive behaviour be fathomed and the consequences calculated
- is skilled at identifying, undermining, discrediting, neutralising and destroying anyone who can see through the sociopath's mask of sanity
- at all times restricts the actions and rights of others (especially those holding the sociopath accountable) whilst aggressively protecting his or her right to do anything without being hampered by social norms or legal requirements
- pursues endless vindictive vendettas against anyone perceived as a threat or who attempts, knowingly or unknowingly, to identify or reveal or expose the sociopath, or who makes efforts to hold the sociopath accountable
- is adept at appropriating rules, regulations, procedures and law to manipulate, control and punish accusers regardless of relevance, logic, facts or consequences
- persists in and pursues vindictive vendettas using self-evidently false evidence or information, even after this is brought to the attention of the sociopath
- will often manipulate minor bullies of the Wannabe type (who on their own might or would not merit the label 'serial bully') into acting as agents of harassment and as unwitting or unwilling conductors of vendettas
- is adept at placing people in situations where the sociopath can tap into each person's instinctive urge to retaliate in order to use them as his or her instruments or agents of harassment
- gains gratification from provoking others into engaging in adversarial conflict
- once conflict has been initiated, the sociopath gains increased gratification by exploiting human beings' instinctive need to retaliate - this is achieved by encouraging and escalating peoples' adversarial conflicts into mutually assured destruction
- revels in the gratification gained from seeing or causing other people's distress
- when faced with accountability or unwelcome attention which might lead to others discerning the sociopath's true nature, responds with repeated and escalating attempts to control, manipulate and punish
- is adept at reflecting all accusations and attempts at accountability back onto their accusers
- is adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise pool negative information about the sociopath
- has no limits on his or her vindictiveness
- the need to control, manipulate and punish develops into an obsession with many of the hallmarks of an addiction
- is skilled at mimicry and can plausibly and spontaneously regurgitate all the latest management jargon
- exhibits minimal professional skill level and competency
- exploits his or her intelligence to excel at talentless mediocrity
- is always identifying the behaviours and strategies to which other people respond with the desired effect
- is able to anticipate and credibly say what people want to hear
- is easily able to win people over before betraying them or deceiving them or ripping them off
- easily manipulates and bewitches an immature or naive or vulnerable or emotionally needy person to be their spokesperson or agent of aggression
- exploits anyone who has a vulnerability
- is pushy and extremely persuasive
- is sexually inadequate and sexually abusive
- is likely to protect anyone accused of or suspected of sexual abuse of pedophile activity, and will frustrate or obstruct investigations into that person
- maybe associating with, or actively involved in, abuse or pedophile activity
- has no emotions, no emotional processing capability and no ability to understand other's emotions
- is incapable of understanding, initiating or sustaining intimacy
- the male sociopath has often convinced a string of women to feel they are in love with him and despite being treated abominably they blindly continue to be loyal to him and minister willingly to his every demand
- may start projects with apparent enthusiasm and energy but quickly loses interest
- frequently takes unnecessary and uncalculated risks but takes no account of consequences
- is reckless and untrustworthy with money
- is likely to be illegally diverting or siphoning off significant sums of money to his or her own budget, project, account or cause
- is unreliable and untrustworthy in every facet of life
- is likely to be leaking confidential information or secrets to third parties
- is likely to have committed or be committing criminal or near-criminal offences, eg fraud, embezzlement, deception
- is likely to have committed or be committing breaches of harassment and discrimination law, employment law, contract law, etc
- disregards rules, regulations, Health and Safety requirements, professional standards, codes of conduct and legal requirements, etc
- cannot comprehend the deeper semantic meaning of language and is thus unable to understand or appreciate metaphor, hyperbole, irony, satire etc (these elicit either zero response or a hostile response)
- likes, seeks, enjoys and relies on procedure, ritual and ritualistic practices
- through arrogant overconfidence takes increasingly risky chances and eventually overplays their hand or makes a mistake which leads to the sociopath revealing him or herself
- exhibits parasitical behaviour, takes everything and gives nothing
- grabs headline credit for minimal, flukey or other peoples' success whilst surviving off the backs of manipulatees who are exclusively blamed for all failures
- rarely blinks, may have stary scary eyes that cut right through you, or may avoid eye contact completely
- is callous, cold and calculating
- is devious, clever and cunning
- is ruthless in the extreme
- regards people as objects and playthings to be discarded when surplus to requirements
- displays zero empathy
- completely without conscience, remorse and guilt
- malicious and evil
- Continue reading this article about bullies...
[ Types of Serial Bullies © by Bully Online - Tim Field. Thank you for making this information available ]
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Thursday, November 1, 2012
When Enough is Enough..
Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem
This blog post is respestfully uploaded, it does not apply to every man or to every woman, but it is one of the most important, if not THE singularly most important article I've come across to help men who are living under severe emotional abuse.
It is sometimes difficult, if not impossible, to walk out on an abusive spouse, especially if the abuser is the wife, not the husband; there are so many elements to consider, and the abused man is often so torn up and so manipulated by threats that he cannot see a way out. Sometimes even the family has subtly, gradually been brainwashed into thinking that this uncle/brother/nephew would be better off enduring than leaving. But there is no price to the life or the sanity of any human being, it is priceless.
If you know of an uncle/brother/nephew who is living under abuse, read this blog post, and refer them also to resources such as the website www.shrink4men.com. All rights of the writer are herein honoured. This is not my article, the author's name and the aforementioned site are the ones who deserve the credit.
This is a clearly written, well researched and thought out aide for men living with emotional/psychological/physical or other abuse and wondering how (or if) to get out. If you're not ready to leave, read it anyway, and understand that this is based on the experience of hundreds of men who like you, have had to endure, and thought they could never walk out - but did - sometimes before it was too late, sometimes after their lives had almost been lost to the abuse. It's time to break the silence. No domestic abuse can be condoned, wether it is well known or appears, on the surface, to be rare. Life in its raw truth, sadly, is stranger than fiction.
Note: this is not written from an islamic perspective, but from a practical, research based and clinical psychology based perspective.
Here's the article:
Leaving an Abusive Wife: Pre-Divorce Checklist
When a man reaches the point of deciding to divorce an abusive wife, he has typically been thinking, and possibly ruminating over, the possibility for many years. As Dr. T has discussed previously, there are many factors that work against a man’s successful break from a wife who displays a litany of narcissistic or borderline personality traits.Instinctively, he knows that the divorce process will be hell. He might fear losing relationships with his children. Using children as vindictive tools of manipulation is a favorite tactic abusive women employ to keep the husband from leaving her. Alienation campaigns are nearly always used against the man when the couple has children together.
He may fear losing his retirement or his career. He may have bought into the repeated messages he receives from his wife that he’s no good and no one else will put up with him or that he’ll never make it without her. Simply put, a man may spend years wanting to leave and knowing that he should leave, but his fear of unthinkable consequences keeps him stuck. Many men have been in such a state of tortured indecision for 15 or 20 years.
As with any big endeavor, the free floating fear of unknowns can be reduced to a more manageable level with some good information and planning. That holds true for men who are deciding whether to leave an abusive wife or have made the decision, but do not know exactly how to put their decision to action. I have found that my clients fare much better when they have made a few key preparations in advance.
The steps I outline below are helpful for men in this situation for a couple of reasons. First, it gives them something to do, and taking actions (however small) feels like accomplishment; it helps build confidence and it helps men begin to trust their own judgment and decision-making abilities. All of these things are crucial for men who are gaining their independence after being manipulated and oppressed and undermined for years. Taking these steps can also save a great deal of time and money down the road—resources we all need a little more of, and especially significant for men in this situation.
When asked “how” to divorce an abusive wife, Dr. T has previously advised against advance disclosure of your plans to leave. Generally speaking, this is also how I would counsel men to make their exit from an abusive marriage,
and here’s why: Your NPD/BPD wife is much better at the manipulation game than you are. For every one of your maneuvers, she’s got three alternative plans to keep you from succeeding, and she doesn’t even have to think about it—it comes naturally to her and requires no effort on her part.You will not out think her and you will not anticipate the many ways she could screw up your departure. If she senses that you are on your way out, she’ll go into battle mode and manufacture a family emergency or spend all of your money or enlist the kids to lay a gigantic guilt trip on you or any one of countless other tactics. Your best chance for a successful departure is to do your planning without tipping your hand and make your exit before she has an opportunity to manipulate you into staying.
With that advice in mind, here is a checklist of items for men who are preparing to leave an abusive marriage:
1. Gather and copy important papers, and move the copies out of the house and into a secure location. Once your wife suspects that you may leave her, it will become exceedingly difficult to access information that you will need to begin establishing an independent life. Collect records of vital statistics, military records related to benefits and so forth, bank statements, social security statements, information about retirement accounts, vehicle titles, mortgage and loan documents, kids’ school records and contact lists, credit card statements, checkbook, stock certificates, etc.—any papers that are kept in your home that you may conceivably want access to during a divorce process, you should copy and move to a safe deposit box or to your office or some other location away from home where you will be able to access the papers.
2. Open a separate bank account in your name. Stop making deposits into your joint account and keep an eye on your balances in your joint checking and savings accounts. If your wife is planning on leaving or suspects that you are on your way out, more than likely you will see transfers out of your joint accounts. If that happens, it is important that you preserve enough cash for you to be able to make the move and meet expenses for a short time –please speak to a lawyer in your jurisdiction about your rights to money in marital accounts.
In my jurisdiction, I typically advise clients in this situation to withdraw half of the funds in joint accounts if the money is community property and deposit the money in a separate account. Laws differ from state to state, so it’s important that you clear this with an attorney.
3. Arrange for your paycheck to be direct deposited in your separate account. When your paycheck is no longer being deposited into your joint account, your wife will get wise to your plan to leave. Timing is important. Check with your HR department well in advance to find out how long it takes to stop automatic deposits and reroute them to a different account.
4. Start moving small family keepsakes and heirlooms and items of particular personal value to a location away from the marital residence. Consult an attorney in your jurisdiction about this, but in most states property that is inherited or gifted is separate property. If your father left you his antique watch, it’s probably your separate property. The reason to move items of personal or sentimental value is that those are the items that are most likely to be destroyed or “lost” by your NPD/BPD wife in the course of a temper tantrum. She will try to destroy whatever means the most to you—remove such items from her reach to the extent possible.
5. If you keep firearms in the house, remove ammunition from the house and remove or hide the guns. This is going to be the most volatile time of your relationship with a woman who has a history of irrational behavior. This is the most dangerous time for you and you cannot predict what an irrational person will do under such circumstances. Your personal safety must be a primary concern and never taken for granted.
6. If your wife has ever threatened you with false reports of domestic violence, alert law enforcement before you leave and inform them of any past threats of false reports. If she has ever made any kind of hint that she would report you for family violence, do not think she’s bluffing and do not assume she would not go that far. She would. The fact that she even thought to threaten you with such a thing is a big red flag—non-disordered people do not think that way. If she can think it up, she can follow through. Protect yourself.
7. Make a spare set of car keys and give them to a trusted friend or store them in your office or a location to which your wife has no access. If all goes as planned, you will not need your extra set of keys. However, if your wife finds out what you’re up to, expect her to make an all-out effort to thwart your plans, including taking your car or your keys to keep you from leaving. Have a backup plan, just in case.
8. Plan what you’ll say to the kids. If your spouse is physically violent, seek the assistance of an attorney in removing your minor children from a physically abusive parent. Custody matters with minor children require expert assistance. If you have adult children who are living away from home, you can help preserve those relationships by heading off your wife’s inevitable attempts to turn them against you.
You will need to be honest with your children about the circumstances you’ve been enduring—chances are they do not know what’s been happening or the extent of it. Plan what you will say to them–draft a script if that helps. In most situations, it’s best not to tell your adult children that you are leaving until you are out of the house. The first discussion with your adult children should take place as soon as possible after you have actually left.
It’s likely that your adult children are more loyal to their mother than they are to you because your wife has been making negative remarks about you and planting seeds of discord and doubt over the years. If your wife rules the roost, chances are your children are accustomed to doing her bidding and accepting her version of events without question. Do not be surprised if they side with your wife and if at first they don’t believe what you are telling them about the abuse.
Don’t despair and don’t give up—exposure of your wife’s behavior is what is called for. Encourage your adult children to check with you about the truth of anything negative their mother says about you and promise to be honest with them. Eventually, most adult children will begin to see and understand the dynamics and will no longer take as true the negative things that are said about you by your soon-to-be-ex-wife. Give it time, and don’t give up.
9. Hire a lawyer and file for divorce. You may think that once you’re out of the house there’s no rush in filing for divorce or getting the process over with. That kind of thinking is usually a mistake. Once you file for divorce, many jurisdictions have standing court orders that protect your assets while you go through the divorce process—those orders do not take effect until the divorce petition is filed and served on your spouse.
This will (in theory) give you some recourse if your wife behaves badly and destroys property or runs up credit card debt. Also, your wife may not think you’ll actually go through with divorcing her until she is actually served with divorce papers. Actually filing the divorce petition is a very strong boundary that you can establish right away. If you have hired a lawyer, you can avoid contact with your wife by deflecting communications to your lawyer. Remember, she is still trying to engage you so that she can maintain her control over you. If you have little to no contact with her, she cannot regain her footing or exercise any control over you.
10. Disengage. End all contact with your abusive wife. This is really hard, so be prepared to struggle with this one. You will feel compelled to speak with her. You will feel extreme anxiety if you do not pick up the phone when she calls. Even if you hate it, it is difficult to break this pattern, but it is imperative that you figure out how to stick to it.
You may have to have some ongoing contact because of minor children. It is helpful to some men to have a list of canned replies that can be given in response to attempts to engage you and draw you into conversations. For instance: ”I will not discuss our property division with you, the lawyers will sort it out” or “The children will be available to be picked up at 6:00 on Friday at my mother’s house; please be on time.” You get the idea.
If you must communicate, keep it very short and limited to business and get out of the conversation after you have delivered your communication. You do not have to listen to what a sorry jerk you are. You do not have to explain yourself or make your wife understand your position—there is nothing productive that can come from such conversations.
11. Tell it like it really is. You’ve probably become an expert at making excuses for your wife’s behavior and hiding the truth from everyone outside of your marriage. Now it’s time to expose what’s really been going on. That’s not to say that it’s wise to parade around with a victim sign across your chest, but now it’s important that you face the truth yourself.
It may also be necessary to expose the truth in situations where your wife embarks on a smear campaign against you. It’s not uncommon for this type of woman to tell lies about you to your family members (her in-laws), your children, the kids’ teachers, your mutual friends, the parents of your kids’ playmates, therapists, pediatricians, social workers and whoever else will listen. You can defend yourself by exposing the truth. This is especially important in the legal context—it’s crucial that you control misinformation that could negatively affect you in court.
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