Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem
Today I want to share with you a little about my personal experiences with abuse.
I've always said that the problem with understanding both sides of an argument is that it makes it difficult to stand up for your own. You see, you can ALWAYS find a justification for abuse if you want to. You can always and I mean ALWAYS find some way to explain away a foul mouth and even the beatings. Why? Because abusers will either pick someone who is compassionate by nature or wear a person down until there is no backbone left in you and all you see is "their side". But if you get nothing else from this post, may it be this;
1) There is NO excuse for abuse. I don't care how you want to rationalise it, i don't care if you've done something wrong/stupid/silly/inappropriate. NOTHING justifies abuse. Fullstop.
2) Long term abusers don't change. Eventually, you turn into nothing, or you get out.
Let me qualify the last statement thus -
how you can get out, or
why you get out,
what for you is the proverbial last straw, or the
when you get out. - THAT you must think about carefully and THAT must be planned. (Note - you must have tried to do everything in your power to stop the abuse before you walk out, otherwise you're not proving anything to anyone.)
That said; the only thing I've
never had (and Insh'Allah never will have) is the physical beating. But whilst sticks and stones can break your bones, words can annihilate you so much that you never recover.
Abusive words etch themselves slowly, almost impercetibly, into your soul and self-image, until one day you wake up dead on the inside, you conform to the abuse, you accept all the excuses you've told yourself for what they do, and you can't imagine ever getting out. All sorts of reasonings and excuses and explanations (some learnt, some self-imposed) suddenly wash over you when another abuse crisis hits, and they all seem suddenly more important than even your own survival. Even alcoholism and drugs suddenly seem an easier option than leaving. If you've lived that long with abuse then at this stage the only thing that will help you is someone who can (just as patiently as the abuser has broken you), rebuild your self esteem.
That someone can be you, by educating yourself on the practicalities of abuse, reading about the experiences of others, and re-learning all those wonderful things that made you awesome when you met the abuser. . Or it can be someone who loves you, or it can be a professional.
You see, if you are still in an abusive relationship your greatest strength and your greatest weakness is probably your sense of compassion. It's time you start being compassionate towards YOU, in little ways, until you're strong enough to tackle the beast and eventually, if you're strong enough, you can WALK AWAY to live, not just "exist".
My personal story:
In my first job i worked for a boss who had just moved to the country and was keen to make her mark; You can imagine how I excused her every fault, me being so young and her being so new; she was new, she was adapting, she was "different", she needs to adjust, I knew all the excuses. Essentially she took credit for anything i did and would privately wittle away at my sense of personal achievement. Eager to learn, I excused it, until I literally and physically almost burnt out, medically. It built a little backbone in me to walk away, but it was extremely difficult. after all, I was young and I was afraid and I was taught to respect my elders. I wrote her a long letter after leaving as my healing process and then burnt the letter, imagining myself setting ME free all that negativity. So, for a few jobs I was okay, I learnt to operate in the corporate world and to find my "voice" again, thanks to managers who heard that voice and were driven towards productivity, not childish games.
Then I walked into a job and a manager who would prove to be my "nemisis". In his mid 40's, this man destroyed anyone he came in contact with and took great pleasure in doing so. No, this was not apparent in an interview. He initially made me feel like I was someone with potential who needed to "earn" his approval with the application of my mind. I had become an intellectual sponge so I thought I could really prove myself with my work ethic. Well, that sponge was soon soaked in the vinegar of daily verbal abuse; "you're UNbelievably STUPID!" and "God, is
that what you really hope to contribute?" but he was clever; just like any abuser e alternated the abuse with showers of praise for a job well done and promises of "speaking to management about the excellent work I was doing" and so like a sheep I strove harder and harder to prove my "worthiness". Well, hello!!... Wasn't I worthy enough to GET the job? That didn't strike me at the time, though.. Some staff members ended up being institurionalised, one committed suicide, and a few remain scarred for life. None of them ever left. I guess i was the lucky one who did. Allahuakbar.
At the same time I was "married" to an abuser. "Someone" (this is how we shall refer to this person) oscilated between seeing spirituality as stupid and seeing it as crazy, and I was part and parcel of the seeing. I was so tired of tackling the "work challenge" that I didn't immediately recognise the inciduous erosion of character
"someone" was busy with. I pretended to wash off the "you're so stupid" laughing comments or the "Agh shutup what do you know" initially. It had to be ME, right? Then the subtle punishments and erosion of character stepped up; when I didn't react, there was always a punishment. One day I reflected back to "someone" saying "are you aware that you're punishing me for attending a church service?" To which I was promptly told "yes." so I asked "why?" and was told "Because I can". And the sarcastic laughter dripped, silenced any further argument. Any comment was taken as worthless and arbitrary and well, stupid.
I was stupid, regardless of any circumstance. In retrospect my only stupidity was not leaving sooner.
To make a very long sad story short, the mind games are part and parcel of abuse. If you've been abused, you know what I'm talking about. "Someone" would arrive but not say a word, practically hiding out of sight for hours without my knowing. Then "someone" would act surprised - "what's your problem", and eventually, you don't argue back anymore. Or things would be done or undone and I was made to feel as though I was either crazy or I had imagined it all. Eventually, anything I attempted to do as an individual in a personal or intellectual capacity was "doomed for failure" and reason for ridicule. If success was imminent, I'd soon loose that small flicker of hope from the continuous wearing down of my own self esteem.
Then, it became outright cruel. So reader, yes, I've been locked in a bedroom/bathroom/car because someone "didn't notice I was there" or "enter maniacal mocking laughter here". Heck, I've locked myself in too, just to avoid "someone". I've had things thrown, heard all the usual , had doors banged, lights flicked on and off continuously whilst I attempted to sleep (with no explanation just a stone cold stare, mind you). I've been robbed of any decision making capacity and had to explain every single dime spent over the last 3 months (in retrospect and as a test). And much more. So i probably have a good idea of what you're going through if you say there's emotional or psychological abuse going on.
What saved me? Islam. In short. It opened my eyes.
And then as a muslim Allah gave me my beloved husband Mohammed who from the time we met until today has made me feel worthy to be alive rather than just EXIST, and to whom I will always be grateful.
Studying about Islam, comparing it to my christian and catholic upbringing, to my sad reality (even if at the time I didn't acknowledge it was
that bad) I couldn't believe that I'd been living this way without doing anything about walking out. I had lied to myself - alot - (SO much!) - and I regret to say to others, to cover up my personal abuse. It was only after I LEFT "someone" that I realised that I had been afraid - afraid beyond the word fear; the kind of afraid like a child afraid of ghosts she just KNOWS are under the bed, or the kind of afraid where you've been living in a war zone as a prisioner and then when you hear a firecracker you think you're dying? That kind of afraid. It was only after I was living on my own that I struggled with the quasi panic attacks and then had to talk myself down saying "nobody's coming in here, its okay, you're okay".
My point is this - don't tell me psychological abuse doesn't break you. Don't tell me it doesn't taint you the saddest shade of desperate you've ever been, and don't tell me it is "liveable"or "necessary". I have 0 (ZERO) tolerance for abusers of any shape or form, today. I have sympathy and empathy for those who are abused, yes. And perhaps because of what I went through, I have even LESS tolerance for women abusers. Women who have kind, gentle souls for husbands. My husband today, my SoulMate, is such a man who is kind and gentle. A man who Allah sent to redeem my heart and save my soul, Alhamdolilah. If I am completely honest, had Allah not sent him I would today be either dead or have committed suicide. Sometimes, as i said in the beginning, it takes someone who will patiently and slowly piece together all the little bits of you until you can stand again. So what if you have a few cracks left behind? They are the soul wrinkles of experience, in my opinion! So if women out there have gentle souls as a spouse and are abusive to them, well, I have NO tolerance for that.
One day, one evening in fact, it hit me, whilst I was still living "there". It was over . My existance as a captive to this prisioner, it was just that - an existance. Not a life. The "life" I thought I'd been living was in fact an illusion, i had simply been surviving, in captivitity. Islam told me I wasn't a captive, so how could I be there, still? Islam told me there is only ONE God, so why was I accepting abuse from a tyrant - was this tyrant God? No. IT was time. I had to face up to the fact that abuse meant that the person I thought I'd known actually didn't exist. THat person NEVER existed. The only thing that existed was the role, the title, but the person? No. That was all an illusion. If you're reading this thinking about the person you are tied to as "not so bad" yet you are living with abuse, I ask you to consider; if you see this person through the hard cold reality of WHAT they are rather than the role YOU assigned to them, (mother/wife/companion/old friend) - if you see that person for WHAT THEY TRULY DO to you, and WHAT they truly are (abusers) then you will know what it's like to come face to face with the illusion.
IT is time, for you, perhaps, to turn to that "compassionate" person inside you who is always looking for excuses to dismiss the abuse, and see yourself for your own brokenness, and see yourself with compassion, and your own need for compassion. If the abuse is new, get help. If it's old, get out. You do not owe it to your community, your family, your culture or anyone else to continue to be abused. That sense of "owing" is an illusion, quite possibly planted as a sense of loyalty by the abuser themself. You do not owe it to ALLAH to be abused because HE says.
"O My servants, I have forbidden oppression for Myself and have made it forbidden amongst you, so do not oppress one another.
An-Nawawi's Hadith No.24
Allah's Messenger (SAW) said:
| "Beware of oppression, for oppression will be a darkness on the Day of Resurrection ." (Muslim) |
**************************************** If the abuse is new, TELL SOMEONE - someone who will believe you, or tell someone UNTIL they believe you. Get help for YOUR OWN self esteem, to build yourself up. Take a course, do something to re-learn that you ARE a valid human being! *************************************** Food for thought:
In the name of Allah, the Most-Merciful, the All-Compassionate
Bismillah Walhamdulillah Was Salaatu Was Salaam 'ala Rasulillah
As-Salaam Alaikum Wa-Rahmatullahi Wa-Barakatuhu
On the authority of Abu Dharr al-Ghifari (may Allah be pleased with him) from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) is that among the sayings he relates from his Lord (may He be glorified) is that He said: -
"O My servants, I have forbidden oppression for Myself and have made it forbidden
amongst you, so do not oppress one another.
O My servants, all of you are astray except for those I have guided, so seek guidance
of Me and I shall guide you.
O My servants, all of you are hungry except for those I have fed, so seek food of
Me and I shall feed you.
O My servants, all of you are naked except for those I have clothed, so seek
clothing of Me and I shall clothe you.
O My servants, you sin by night and by day, and I forgive all sins, so seek
forgiveness of Me and I shall forgive you.
O My servants, you will not attain harming Me so as to harm Me, and you
will not attain benefiting Me so as to benefit Me.
O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn
of you to be as pious as the most pious heart of any one man of you,
that would not increase My kingdom in anything.
O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you
to be as wicked as the most wicked heart of any one man of you,
that would not decrease My kingdom in anything.
O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn
of you to rise up in one place and make a request of Me, and were I to give everyone
what he requested, that would not decrease what I have, any more
than a needle decreases the sea if put into it.
O My servants, it is but your deeds that I reckon up for you and then recompense
you for, so let him who finds good praise Allah
and let him who finds other than that blame no
one but himself."
It was related by Muslim (also by at-Tirmidhi and Ibn Majah).
!! 'SUBHANALLAH' !!
'Never Despair Of The Mercy Of Allah'.
