Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem
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| CHARACTER AND TRUE LOVE GO HAND IN HAND http://www.buzzfeed.com/summeranne/the-50-most-romantic-photographs-of-all-time |
The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) recommended that muslims choose their spouses according to their character, so that they can help one another to grow in their deen, and so that they can provide a positive example to those who will become the spouses of tomorrow.
Bad character and a strong deen are like oil and water. They don't mix, and they don't occur naturally. Pouring oil into drinking water only serves to kill all life within the water.
Character doesn't change.
Things change; money comes and goes, people have more or have less in later years, people move homes, change jobs, adapt to many things; children are more demanding or easier as they grow, jobs and friends and neighbours change. But character? Character is the ROCK that will either stand a marriage on solid ground or become the proverbial stone in the shoe that leads to endless misery. Not just for the spouse, but for those exposed to bad character, or worse, abuse from someone with bad character. Endless misery is not what Allah (swt) wants for his servants, so he says.
"Women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity."(Quran 24:26)
Our Nabi saw advised that there are four reasons why a woman may be chosen as a spouse. Then, he ranked character above all, for character and deen "grow" hand in hand. -
"A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, for her rank, for her beauty, and for her religion (and character), so marry the one who is best in the religion and character and prosper." (Bukhari and Muslim)
Character is the ground upon which marriage is built. Some people go into marriage thinking "aisle change him/her". This is not good character; this is a hidden agenda. Acceptance and love cannot foster here. Similarly, many people live lives of Survival, not living, in abusive marriages, erroneously believing that this was "given" to them to build their character. It doesn't occur to them that if Allah permitted it, maybe Allah was asking - Are you ready to give that up to serve ME or will you serve the whims of her/him. Many muslims abused (wives or husbands) by their spouse (husbands or wife) think that they are meant to eternally make sabr, so as to build their character, when in fact, their character is being broken down each day; this is the lie abusers want you to believe.
The point of marriage is to fulfill one's deen. Marriage is HALF of one's deen because it is through this half that the other half is cultivated, or destroyed.
Marriage should provide the peaceful and supportive framework to:
1. safeguard one from sin, providing the love needed that neither spouse feels compelled to lift their gaze to another
2. be the basis upon which to teach children the principles of Islam as per the Quran and Nabi (saw)
3. be the living example of what a spouse should be - children learn more from observing their parents than a thousand lectures
4. be a place where the spouses can enjoy one another in a halaal way, expressing their physical, emotional, mental and spiritual selves comfortably without being judged or put down
Character doesn't change. Nature and nurture both contribute to character of every individual, yet the essentials of character are usually set in un-alterable clay very early in life. Everyone's character has different strengths and different weaknesses, but it's important to know that if there is more of the BAD than the GOOD, this can make for a home of misery.
SO WHAT IS CHARACTER? -
A Good character is comprised of 6 pillars: Trustworthiness, Respect, Responsability, Fairness, Caring, and Citizenship.
Define the character, define the home:
Within a marriage and a family character is more important than ANYWHERE else. Some aspects of character are not negotiable in a relationship - look for goodness of character when you choose a spouse, or consider the evil of character if you need to go the Khula/Talaq root - Let's take a closer look:
The dealbreakers in a marriage and in a family:
- honesty
- loyalty
- consideration
- good manners These are all aspects of TRUSTWORTHINESS
Where there is no trust, this is the home of disloyalty, cheating, lying, VERBAL & PSYCHOLOGICAL manipulation.
Love cannot exist where there is no respect. Every spouse must:
- be considerate of the feelings of others
- NOT threaten
- NOT hit
- NOT hurt (with actions or words) This is called RESPECT
Where there is no respect, this is the home of shouting, raised voices, throwing objects, belittling. Without respect, this is the home of EMOTIONAL,VERBAL AND PHYSICAL abuse. If you're looking at a spouse, consider the way a man treats his mother, and consider a way a girl treats her father. Then look at who their friends are, what company they keep - this will give you a good indication of their character. Look at the roles within her/his family - this will give you a good idea of what to expect, when all else fails.
Every human being should:
- be self-controled (it differentiates us from animals)
- Keep promises they make (it means we can be relied upon)
- THINK before they speak (it means we respect the other person and ourselves)
- Be made accountable for their actions (it means we know boundaries and know that every action has a consequence!)
This is called RESPONSIBILITY
Where there is no responsibility, this is the home of a DEEN-LESS lifestyle, where people don't pray, don't respect the space and thoughts of others, don't keep time, don't keep fast, don't bother with Taqwa or piety or Sharia. Without RESPONSIBILITY, this is the home of the KAFFIR, for without responsibility, there can be no submission to Allah.
Unless you live it, you cannot teach children (with words) to:
- Play by the rules (it demands accountability and respect)
- Take turns to share (it demands kindness which is a form of respect)
- Listen and be open minded (it requires respect and holding of the tongue!)
- Not blame others carelessly (the opposite is abusive behaviour, ranging from derrogatory comments to laughing at others, to hitting, punishing, and hurting)
This is called FAIRNESS
Without fairness, there can be no Sharia, for there would be no respect for rules. Without fairness, there can be no kindness, no love for the Nabi (saw) for there is no willing spirit to listen and learn. Without FAIRNESS, this is the home of complete Abuse on every level; emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, financial and spiritual. Without FAIRNESS this is the home of CHAOS.
Every spouse must be:
- Kind
- Compassionate
- Considerate and caring for the other's needs
- Grateful
This is called CARING. One cannot claim to love, or even to care about anything or anyone except one's own self if without dollops of these attributes. LOVE itself is all these things and more.. The home in which a spouse has no caring in their character is a home of the tumbleweed, where it's "each for their own self". It is the home of the selfish person, where the abuse is called NEGLECT.
Every person, adult and child, needs to belong to something:
- Do your share
- Get involved
- Take instruction
- Believe in something (or fall for anything)
This is called CITIZENSHIP
All too often, Citizenship is all there is; spouses are involved in the community (separately OR together). They are seen as examples of all that's good because they talk a good talk. The children are well behaved and take instruction, and they are seen to "fit the mould". When this is the only portion of character that remains, this is the home of the AUTOCRAT - the one who bangs his/her fist on the table and says we "WILL" do this. This is the spouse who makes the plans without respect for the other, who does and undoes without accountability, who doesn't think before he/she speaks. Without REAL citizenship; where a facade is being kept, without real belief based on real practice of dean and real accountability and real kindness, and real responsibility - this is the home of the HYPOCRITE.
*****
Note: One can pretend to be all these but ALLAH is watching and HE cannot be deceived
- as the saying goes -
"you can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool EVERYONE ALL the time."
A home where one spouse is low on any or many of these pillars of character is a home open to abuse, faithlessness, godlessness (in varying levels) - it is a home where kindness is "for show" , where everyone puts on a happy face but when the door closes the shouting, pushing, punching begins. CHARACTER governs your home - the character of the dominant individual governs your LIFE and your children's future.
So choose carefully - This is why the lesson of the Nabi (saw) is SO CRITICAL _ "marry those of good religion and character"
Hundreds of years before the world's psychologists came up with the six pillars of character, our Nabi (saw) made it simple -
MARRY THOSE OF GOOD CHARACTER.
******
Character and the child:
The home is the most important space for children; it is here that the spouses of tomorrow are made. Children become what they see, or what they rebel against. Without question and without fail. Abuse in a home breeds abusers or victims; seldom does a child raised in abuse grow with GOOD CHARACTER.
A peaceful home that gently and with kindness resolves its differences breeds character that is able to confront, able to set boundaries and able to love. Character goes beyond the confines even of the human body. It is better to find a character match even though physically disabled than to be the best of all humanity in looks and finance yet be rotten to the core within, or to the spouse.
There are many matchmakers out there who match people up depending on culture or community or worse, finances (astaghfirullah) alone. On there door lies the blame for much misery. In Islam, we need to trust those who know us best to match us best, and then, we as indviduals make the final choice.
"No man has the right to be in the privacy with a woman who is not lawful for him. Satan is their third party unless there is a mahram." (Ahmad)
Character & Talaq/ Khula
There are times when irreconcilable differences exist due to desires and wishes that don't match. These can be tweaked by a couple, one spouse adjusting a little for the other and vice-versa. Reaching understandings and making sabr. But where character leads to abuse, there is absolutely no compulsion for anyone to sacrifice their deen or their psychological being. Islam does not demand endurance to the death in the instance of abuse or oppression. Why? Because the greater good is the future, and it is more important to bring up children in a place of safety, teaching them what to be like and what they should permit (or not), which teaches Taqwa, than to teach sacrifice to anything or anyone.
The BEST of Character: Prophet Muhammad (saw)
'Abdullah ibn 'Amr ibn al-'As said, "The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, was neither obscene nor indecent. He used to say, 'The best of you are the best in character." [Agreed upon]
Abu'd-Darda' reported that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "There will be nothing heavier in the balance of the believer on the Day of Rising than good character. Allah dislikes foul language." [at-Tirmidhi]
Abu Hurayra said, "The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, was asked about the things most likely to bring people into the Garden. He said, 'Fearful awareness of Allah and good character.' He was asked about the things most likely to bring people into the Fire. He said, 'The mouth and the genitals.'" [at-Tirmidhi]
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PIOUS
TO BE KIND
- but it takes a muslim to want to be both
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PIOUS TO
RAISE CHILDREN OF GOOD CHARACTER
...but you have to have the Taqwa to seek a spouse that will help you do it..
....and you have to be brave enough to not give up their future for your present...
