Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem
Staying on the straight path is never easy. Unless you live as a hermit you will always have to interact with people, and by that very interaction you will come across people who love you, and people who hate either you or what you represent.
It is especially true of today's world, where being muslim is being made to be synonymous with everything cruel and inhumane.
Remember that people will fear what they do not know, and as long as someone is out there using the name "muslim" for evil purposes, people will believe those people to be representative of our faith. They aren't.
I am a Muslim. I do not support ISIS. Why? Because organisations such as these go against the very grain of what Islam stands for. But will people believe that Islam is not about hatred and killing? Not as long as we are silent, and not as long as we live anything other than Islam. So in a way, the fact that murderous demons are out there calling themselves muslim; the very fact that media and international politics cashes in on the ideas these lunatics are putting out there about muslims means that I need to be a better muslim. In the home. In the workplace. On the street.
What does this mean?
I need to seek Allah, quietly. I need to fight my own internal desire to lash back at people who insult me because of those lunatics otherwise I am no better than either of them. I need to make jihad within myself so that my speech speaks for the truth of Islam; the compassion, the kindness, the love, the submission to the will of Allah. And I need to ensure in everything I do that my speech resonates with my actions. THIS is what we are being called to do and be - as muslims, our only weapon against the lunatics and the media that throws us all into the same label as those lunatics, is the one thing they seek to destroy - IMAAN.
Through Imaan (Faith), I move mountains.
There are two ways to move a mountain - blow it up and risk the lives and the hurt of many, or sift it, patiently, grain by grain. How do I sift it?
I sift it every time I read salaat peacefully and with love for the Creator. I sift it every time I treat someone with kindness. I sift it every time I speak the truth about Islam, (with kindness and love not matching any anger) I sift it every time I help an orphan who will grow up to be an adult. I sift it every time I step out of the shadows as a muslim and treat the world with peace.
Because Actions speak louder than Words.
We can tell the world we are muslims, we can tell the world that Islam is a religion of peace, we can scream it and rush it and win many arguments OR we can SIMPLY BE MUSLIMS, LIVE PEACE, and DO what we are called to do; serve Allah with peace, respect others and BE KIND.
There is no weapon that can stand against love and kindness and faith. Not even death. THAT is the spirit of Islam.
People are not stupid; and the truth always rises.
We as muslims need to see these lunatics and murders as a call from Allah to be DIFFERENT to them, and to return to the ways of LOVE and PEACE that are Islam. Muslims, awake! Everything is used by Allah for good. He only permits something horrific if the good will outweight the bad; perhaps, just maybe, He has allowed these horrific monsters to exist because he wants US to return to HIM. Before we can prove to the world that Islam is a religion of peace, we need to live it that way for ourselves, our community, and our world. Then, the work is already done.
You can fight wars, you can arm yourself, but nothing (no nothing) will spread as fast as LOVE. Ever.
So... know that ALLAH is ONE Creator of all. Stand for goodness, light, love, and the rest will follow...
Showing posts with label homelife. Show all posts
Showing posts with label homelife. Show all posts
Monday, March 9, 2015
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Male Bashing on the Rise
Bismillahir Rahamaanir Raheem
Nothing changes until those who see wrong begin to put a stop to it. I've posted a few blogs about spousal abuse of men, and recent stats show that this continues to rise.
Until men start to walk out, and people start to support them in starting fresh, this wretched problem will continue to grow. Abusers need to know that enough is enough. They need to experience what it is to be completely alone in order to appreciate what a gift it is to have someone who cares. Simply put, this is how I feel.
Enough of the excuses, enough of the "I don't want to get involved" and the "Oh but its not done in the community." Enough is enough.
In the UK, male spousal abuse has grown to such an extent that ONE in EVERY SIX MEN is being abused by their spouse.
I will keep blogging about this scourge until people start to stand up and get counted. If women are the "fairer sex" they need to stand up and shine their good light on this! Women's abuse is not tolerated, why should men's abuse be??
It is not as prevalent in America but it is there, with 15% of all reported incidents being against men. Bearing in mind that men are 80% less likely to report spousal abuse, you do the math. There is just too much abuse going around. Here's just a few "highlights". (Full stories are available.)
A Seattle therapist who convicted of assault and required to pay a $500 fine, perform 100 hours of community service and have absolutely no contact with the woman says:
In Kelso, a man had been out drinking and came home to fall asleep on the couch. His wife took an iron skillet and beat him. He was taken to the emergency room of the hospital and stitched up. He was taken there by police, but no charges were filed against his wife.
My wife—in one of her drunken rages—took our daughter’s baseball bat and used it to smash the locked door to my study, where I was trying desperately to meet a deadline. And since I’m over 6 feet tall and muscular, I wouldn’t get much sympathy posing as a “battered man!”: I had thought of calling the police that night. When I recalled this incident to my divorce lawyer some time later, his response was: “It’s a good thing you didn’t, because the police probably would have arrested you.”
My son was married to a violent young woman for a few months before he left her. He is much larger than her and is a one time amateur boxing champion. She never used weapons, so she never came close to hurting him physically. But she hit him whenever she got the notion to, she cut up his clothes and threw them in the yard, she destroyed the trophies he had accumulated in various sports competitions since childhood, and she destroyed a wedding album my wife had made for them. Neither party was blameless, but the physical violence was all hers. If my son had ever hitten her, there would have been evidence for weeks.
I was in a hellish marriage with a woman who had difficulty controlling her rage, which would frequently erupt with her hitting, verbal abuse, and screaming. If fighting with her did occur, it was self-defense; if she threw a punch or kicked, I defended myself. In one particular case, after she initiated a fight by kicking and throwing punches, she called the police to report me as the violent abuser! When they responded, I was seen as the bad guy, she was the victim!
A man from Washington state---I am 6'2" and about 200 lbs. I have a solid background in wrestling and have dabbled in TKD and Judo. I am also a DV survivor. I am NOT a "victim"! ... I was awakened by her screaming as she came through the bedroom door swinging a baseball bat. She brought it down across my legs. I managed to avoid most of the blow and took the bat away from her by twisting it out of her hands. She went to the kitchen and got a marble rolling pin.
We've tried to find help for him but all of the shelters just answer in silence. It's a shame how he was treated by the police and that there are no shelters or groups to help men, they need it every bit as much as women. It's time to stop offering help to someone just because they are a women. Abuse is abuse, it does matter how the abuser is or how the abused is.
I know the terror that comes from domestic violence, in this case perpetrated by my mother.
-- a Seattle man
I have been verbally and psychologically battered and abused, I've been threatened with bodily harm, I've been threatened to be shot right between the eyes, I've been kicked in the groin, I've had to watch while my ex sexually molested my daughter and not dare interfere for fear of retaliation. Then 1 day she called 911 so fast and had me arrested, my head was literally spinning with disbelief. When trying to tell the officer that I was provoked and that she was hurting my daughter and that I was protecting my daughter, he told me that I had better keep quiet, I'd charge you with a felony if I could, he said. .. So now what do i do?
She slapped the walls in the hall way. ... She hit me in the arm a few times, goading me to hit back. ... As you can see the above picture doesn’t’ show any gross domestic violence.
Wife became very angry and she attacked me with a set of Porsche Keys - maybe three inches long. she stabbed me thirteen times. As I was trying to leave, she took our daughter and tried to throw her down the steps
Although she had been physically aggressive in the past, she turned downright violent toward me. It started by hitting me with the phone, throwing objects at me, kicking and clawing. She drew blood a number of times. Under advice from my attorney, I was warned that even taking a defensive position could be seen as an act of violence toward her. The ONLY physical action I took toward her was to restrain her from hitting or biting or kicking me. She was an expert at falling down and screaming -- "see kids, look at what your dad is doing to me."
Here's the kicker. I am a mental health professional, social worker and marriage and family therapist. I had blinders on like most guys. I interpreted her behavior as emotional disturbance, and would often sit up all night trying to comfort her after one of these episodes.
my lawyer looked at me like I was crazy when I told him ...
Why did I take it? I had a daughter that was small that was also screamed at and hit, and scared by stories of the bugger man getting her. I finally had to leave or get killed.
My wife of almost 9 years was a woman of an incredibly short temper and possessed the ability to swing from mood to mood faster than you could shake a stick at. Over the years, she had thrown things at me, including knives, slapped me, punched me, and shoved me on numerous occasions. I had always felt a sympathy towards her because of the fact that she had no one in her life that truly seemed to care for her. I was going to be her protector.
I believed if this got around, their would be a stigma. Some embarassment toward ex wives and present lovers. I didn't want my kids to hear these stories, or to have others in their world, discussing me regarding this issue.
I still don't understand why I stayed in that relationship as long as I did. I quess it was because she was such a great girl in every other way and I hoped she would change. I'm never going to go back into that kind of insanity again.
Funny, at the time I told myself I deserved it.
I was awarded temporary sole custody of my three children and possession of the marital home. My ex-wife was in shock and refused to leave ... Her attempts to provoke an incident increased. Finally one morning she cornered me alone in the kitchen and again began to punch me out after a nasty verbal exchange. Unfortunately, my 10 year old son witnessed this episode through a window while he headed for his school bus. I did not strike back. My ex then left and went to the police.
I was abused too many times and decided to end the relationship many times but I was unable to do so. Because she followed my each and every move and I was reluctant to file stalking charges against her because I did not want to hurt her feelings. The abuse intensified, she did not hesitate to hit me ... She also clawed me numerous time and even cut me with a knife. I was again failed to report the incidents to the authority. Many times she had threatened me that if I bring any charges against her, she would not hesitate to bring false charges against me ...
Her definition of the proper way to conduct an argument was to slap me around until I stopped disagreeing with her. ... However, I was willing to put up with it for the sake of her kids...at least until she started endangering them.
She was brassy, outspoken and told me she liked "big guys". I'm 6' and weigh in at 230. She held a knife to my throat and told me to get out of the apartment. I would not dare move because I thought she would kill me....she would tell friends very publicly why sex with me was difficult. She would later say it was meant to be a compliment...kidding about the size of my genitalia. I wasn't laughing. Every success I had was met with derision. Daily my shirts were ripped....my face was slapped...I was kicked....I was locked out. There was nothing I could do to make a difference. [After I left] she has told me repeatedly, "You're the only person who really understood me." The face I see as she speaks is still the one who held the knife.
Nothing changes until those who see wrong begin to put a stop to it. I've posted a few blogs about spousal abuse of men, and recent stats show that this continues to rise.
Until men start to walk out, and people start to support them in starting fresh, this wretched problem will continue to grow. Abusers need to know that enough is enough. They need to experience what it is to be completely alone in order to appreciate what a gift it is to have someone who cares. Simply put, this is how I feel.
Enough of the excuses, enough of the "I don't want to get involved" and the "Oh but its not done in the community." Enough is enough.
In the UK, male spousal abuse has grown to such an extent that ONE in EVERY SIX MEN is being abused by their spouse.
I will keep blogging about this scourge until people start to stand up and get counted. If women are the "fairer sex" they need to stand up and shine their good light on this! Women's abuse is not tolerated, why should men's abuse be??
It is not as prevalent in America but it is there, with 15% of all reported incidents being against men. Bearing in mind that men are 80% less likely to report spousal abuse, you do the math. There is just too much abuse going around. Here's just a few "highlights". (Full stories are available.)
A Seattle therapist who convicted of assault and required to pay a $500 fine, perform 100 hours of community service and have absolutely no contact with the woman says:
I was dumbfounded from the very start of the incident," the man says. "I was getting struck by this woman while I was holding my daughter and I was the one who called the police.
In Kelso, a man had been out drinking and came home to fall asleep on the couch. His wife took an iron skillet and beat him. He was taken to the emergency room of the hospital and stitched up. He was taken there by police, but no charges were filed against his wife.
My wife—in one of her drunken rages—took our daughter’s baseball bat and used it to smash the locked door to my study, where I was trying desperately to meet a deadline. And since I’m over 6 feet tall and muscular, I wouldn’t get much sympathy posing as a “battered man!”: I had thought of calling the police that night. When I recalled this incident to my divorce lawyer some time later, his response was: “It’s a good thing you didn’t, because the police probably would have arrested you.”
My son was married to a violent young woman for a few months before he left her. He is much larger than her and is a one time amateur boxing champion. She never used weapons, so she never came close to hurting him physically. But she hit him whenever she got the notion to, she cut up his clothes and threw them in the yard, she destroyed the trophies he had accumulated in various sports competitions since childhood, and she destroyed a wedding album my wife had made for them. Neither party was blameless, but the physical violence was all hers. If my son had ever hitten her, there would have been evidence for weeks.
I was in a hellish marriage with a woman who had difficulty controlling her rage, which would frequently erupt with her hitting, verbal abuse, and screaming. If fighting with her did occur, it was self-defense; if she threw a punch or kicked, I defended myself. In one particular case, after she initiated a fight by kicking and throwing punches, she called the police to report me as the violent abuser! When they responded, I was seen as the bad guy, she was the victim!
A man from Washington state---I am 6'2" and about 200 lbs. I have a solid background in wrestling and have dabbled in TKD and Judo. I am also a DV survivor. I am NOT a "victim"! ... I was awakened by her screaming as she came through the bedroom door swinging a baseball bat. She brought it down across my legs. I managed to avoid most of the blow and took the bat away from her by twisting it out of her hands. She went to the kitchen and got a marble rolling pin.
We've tried to find help for him but all of the shelters just answer in silence. It's a shame how he was treated by the police and that there are no shelters or groups to help men, they need it every bit as much as women. It's time to stop offering help to someone just because they are a women. Abuse is abuse, it does matter how the abuser is or how the abused is.
I know the terror that comes from domestic violence, in this case perpetrated by my mother.
-- a Seattle man
I have been verbally and psychologically battered and abused, I've been threatened with bodily harm, I've been threatened to be shot right between the eyes, I've been kicked in the groin, I've had to watch while my ex sexually molested my daughter and not dare interfere for fear of retaliation. Then 1 day she called 911 so fast and had me arrested, my head was literally spinning with disbelief. When trying to tell the officer that I was provoked and that she was hurting my daughter and that I was protecting my daughter, he told me that I had better keep quiet, I'd charge you with a felony if I could, he said. .. So now what do i do?
She slapped the walls in the hall way. ... She hit me in the arm a few times, goading me to hit back. ... As you can see the above picture doesn’t’ show any gross domestic violence.
Wife became very angry and she attacked me with a set of Porsche Keys - maybe three inches long. she stabbed me thirteen times. As I was trying to leave, she took our daughter and tried to throw her down the steps
Although she had been physically aggressive in the past, she turned downright violent toward me. It started by hitting me with the phone, throwing objects at me, kicking and clawing. She drew blood a number of times. Under advice from my attorney, I was warned that even taking a defensive position could be seen as an act of violence toward her. The ONLY physical action I took toward her was to restrain her from hitting or biting or kicking me. She was an expert at falling down and screaming -- "see kids, look at what your dad is doing to me."
Here's the kicker. I am a mental health professional, social worker and marriage and family therapist. I had blinders on like most guys. I interpreted her behavior as emotional disturbance, and would often sit up all night trying to comfort her after one of these episodes.
my lawyer looked at me like I was crazy when I told him ...
Why did I take it? I had a daughter that was small that was also screamed at and hit, and scared by stories of the bugger man getting her. I finally had to leave or get killed.
My wife of almost 9 years was a woman of an incredibly short temper and possessed the ability to swing from mood to mood faster than you could shake a stick at. Over the years, she had thrown things at me, including knives, slapped me, punched me, and shoved me on numerous occasions. I had always felt a sympathy towards her because of the fact that she had no one in her life that truly seemed to care for her. I was going to be her protector.
I believed if this got around, their would be a stigma. Some embarassment toward ex wives and present lovers. I didn't want my kids to hear these stories, or to have others in their world, discussing me regarding this issue.
I still don't understand why I stayed in that relationship as long as I did. I quess it was because she was such a great girl in every other way and I hoped she would change. I'm never going to go back into that kind of insanity again.
Funny, at the time I told myself I deserved it.
I was awarded temporary sole custody of my three children and possession of the marital home. My ex-wife was in shock and refused to leave ... Her attempts to provoke an incident increased. Finally one morning she cornered me alone in the kitchen and again began to punch me out after a nasty verbal exchange. Unfortunately, my 10 year old son witnessed this episode through a window while he headed for his school bus. I did not strike back. My ex then left and went to the police.
I was abused too many times and decided to end the relationship many times but I was unable to do so. Because she followed my each and every move and I was reluctant to file stalking charges against her because I did not want to hurt her feelings. The abuse intensified, she did not hesitate to hit me ... She also clawed me numerous time and even cut me with a knife. I was again failed to report the incidents to the authority. Many times she had threatened me that if I bring any charges against her, she would not hesitate to bring false charges against me ...
Her definition of the proper way to conduct an argument was to slap me around until I stopped disagreeing with her. ... However, I was willing to put up with it for the sake of her kids...at least until she started endangering them.
She was brassy, outspoken and told me she liked "big guys". I'm 6' and weigh in at 230. She held a knife to my throat and told me to get out of the apartment. I would not dare move because I thought she would kill me....she would tell friends very publicly why sex with me was difficult. She would later say it was meant to be a compliment...kidding about the size of my genitalia. I wasn't laughing. Every success I had was met with derision. Daily my shirts were ripped....my face was slapped...I was kicked....I was locked out. There was nothing I could do to make a difference. [After I left] she has told me repeatedly, "You're the only person who really understood me." The face I see as she speaks is still the one who held the knife.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Broken hearts & mended souls
Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem
Sorrow
Like clouds above, a billion drops of water,
drawn from the belly of the earth
toiling beneath the heat of the sun.
Sorrow, clouds on the soul,
a well that fills from the heart
drawn by the heat of trials,
a million moments of sadness,
drawn too by times of hopes too fragile to survive,
under a thousand suns of oposition;
hopes illusionary as a million moons
casting their shadow upon the lakes of dreams.
Clouds above, the driving rain,
Clouds within, the storm unnoticed brews,
that trial of fire bursts forth through a damn
that no longer can contain their driving force.
Clouds above, the rainstorm comes,
washing cleansing, settling deep.
Clouds within, the storm that grows,
that fights, and eventually - turns within
copyright@2012YesI'mMuslimDealwithIt
Can you die of a broken heart?
However you may see sorrow, wether as an expression of sadness, continued problems, or a response of grief, or a situational reaction, sorrow is instrumental in setting off the natural stress response in the body. In other words, the body's autonomic nervous system becomes extra alert and this causes the release of steroid hormones that prepare the body for action. (fight or flight). Sometimes, there is the "last straw" and sometimes it is a continuous wearing down of the individual. What sets in, then, as a result of this stress?
- Fatigue,
- Listlessness
- Lack of energy
- An increase in pulse and blood pressure
- Increased nervous activity
- Weakening of the eyes
"What is “stress cardiomyopathy?”
Stress cardiomyopathy, also referred to as the “broken heart syndrome,” is a condition in which intense emotional or physical stress can cause rapid and severe heart muscle weakness (cardiomyopathy). This condition can occur following a variety of emotional stressors such as grief (e.g. death of a loved one), fear, extreme anger, and surprise. It can also occur following numerous physical stressors to the body such as stroke, seizure, difficulty breathing (such as a flare of asthma or emphysema), or significant bleeding. " (reference: Hopkins Medicine, online)
The quran and sorrow:
Studies are showing what the Quran has said from the beginning - that sorrow truly does impact the body in many ways:
When one is upright, and seeks Allah's pleasure Allah does not allow suffering to continue indefinately. Even in the case of Jacoob (Jacob, as) - for Allah gave healing, eventually setting Jacoob free from sorrow..hence:
“So, when the caravan set forth, their father ( Jacob ) said, ‘surely I perceive Yousof’s scent, unless you think me doting’. They said; ‘By Allah, you are certainly in your ancient error.’ But when the bearer of good tidings came to him, and laid it (Yousof's shirt) on his face, forthwith he saw once again. He said; ‘Did I not tell you I know from Allah that you know not?’ (12: 94-96)
Take heart, for Allah does not allow sorrow to extend forever. He either takes the cause away or removes you from what is causing IT. For this reason the quran tells us that Allah does not "give a soul more than it can bear". It is important to note that everyone has a choice in their circumstances, to continue in them or change them with Allah's help. Where oppression makes it impossible for someone to change the circumstances, Allah always steps in. In his divine time, but always. Sometimes, we experience sorrow or grief as a result of our own choices, sometimes, sorrow or grief comes as a result of the choices of others, and sometimes it comes as a result of a divine decree regarding death of a loved one. We cannot simply state "Allah will set things right" without taking responsibility for the situations we ourselves have caused by not sticking to what Allah has prescribed. We cannot simply allow ourselves to not abide by Allah's word and then hide behind "allah will fix this". It is important to fear Allah first and foremost, and do what HE has decreed, follow the steps HE has given us as a remedy to our sorrow, if it is situational, and where we lack courage, we make duah, and ask Allah to give us the strength to do what is right.
And Allah (Swt) has said ; " And whoever puts his trust
in Allah, then He will suffice him " [ Qur'an , Surah at-talaq ]
As humans, then, we experience sorrow and grief for various reasons. Yet the lesson lies not in what we experience but what we DO about it.
Firstly, we must ask Allah for guidance - istikhaara is one way, His word (Quran) is another, the Sunat of his Nabi (saw) a third, and his chosen leaders in Deen yet another.
Secondly, we must act in accordance with his Allah's decree, we must fear man or woman but do that which Allah has decreed and not allow oppression or become opressors out of fear
Lastly, we must understand that having done ALL which he decrees, THEN we stand in faith, we allow our tawaqul in Allah (our faith and dependence) to make the decision.
Ibn `Ata’illah states, “If you make intense supplication and the timing of the answer is delayed, do not despair of it. His reply to you is guaranteed; but in the way He chooses, not the way you choose, and at the moment He desires, not the moment you desire.” [Ibn `Ata’illah, Hikam]
My tiny amount of experience in life has shown me that truly Allah does not permit sorrow and suffering to continue. We change ourselves, we change IT, or ALLAH steps in and does it for us. Sometimes, the latter is the hardest choice, for "doing nothing" is a choice in itself. And when "nothing" is opted for, Allah truly steps in, and usually his stepping in is radical. Miracles happen, and I've seen them. In my past life I lived a life in which I could not worship with all my heart for an opressor "reigned" over my situation. ALLAH freed me and for that I give him glory and thanks. Yet, even then, I had to take a step, I had to tie my camel, so to speak, I have to DO in order that Allah may DO MORE. I believe Apathy is not rewarded with a divine move - the least we can do is make duah. But when we can ACT - we should. The "rules" so to speak, are simple: Firstly, take no idols, and do what Allah instructs. If he said it, that does it. Let no man or woman affect that move. Secondly, ask Allah what you should do. Thirdly, following HIS instruction and the guidance of his word and his wise saints, ACT. Thirdly, TRUST.
The Messenger of Allah (saw) said " Be Mindful of Allah (Swt) & you will find Him in front of you, Recognize and acknowledge Allah (swt) in times of ease and prosperity , and he will remember you in times of adversity. And know what has passed you by (what you have not attained ) was not going to befall you , and what has befallen you was not going to pass you by. And know that victory comes with patience , relief with affliction , and hardship with ease. [Tirmidhi]
For me, the hardest part, sometimes, is to just TRUST. Tawaqul is the equivalent of the christian principle "Be still and know that HE is God." or "Having done all, STAND". Why is it the hardest part? Because as humans, we have needs, and as humans, we are also sometimes afraid of taking certain steps; because those steps may hurt, or because those steps require courage we think we don't have, or because quite simply,we are afraid. At times like this we must ask "are we afraid of flesh and blood?" if this is so, we must push forward, as long as we are holding on to what ALLAH says DO.
So then, the cure for sorrow, is this:
1) UNDERSTAND WHAT GRIEVES YOU
2) BELIEVE EVERYTHING COMES FROM ALLAH, including this test.
3) SEEK ALLAH's ANSWER.
4) ASK OF THOSE WITH WISDOM -There are pious and wise individuals whom Allah has blessed with Kashf (divine guidance) and you will recognise it for if it is of ALlah it does not place anyone except ALLAH upon the Divine throne of ALlah.
5)DO what has been given you to do based on (4)
6) TRUST ALLAH and lean upon HIS WORD
7) LET GO and keep up with duah
All along the above, be wary of whom you associate with, whom you draw guidance from, for verily, Allah is that firm hand-hold which will not let you down. Allah seeks not apathy - he expects you to take a step in faith, to be fair, to seek to know what HE would want you to do. And then, when you have taken ONE step, HE will run to you, insh'Allah.
What then, is Sorrow -
What is that cloud that fills the soul? For a believer, it is a moment of suspended animation during which ALLAH is planning HIS miracle, Targetting the oppressor, or removing obstacles. For those who go againt what he dictates, that cloud is his own personal torment, for Allah will not go against ur personal choice to remain in a place of oppression, and we limit HIM by not allowing his relief.
Truly, everything in the Quran points to the fact that Allah may allow some sorrow, awaiting a move from us, awaiting to see if we are faithful to HIM. And when we are, it is simply a question of time until relief comes, OR we are removed from the source of sorrow. Either way, for the faithful, ALLAH ALWAYS comes through.
Take heart, oh you in sorrow. Take heart, for ALLAH is watching, and ALLAH gives to whom he wills, and for those ungrateful who cause sorrow, the gift is removed and it is given to someone different.
ALLAH is, indeed, the beneficent, the merciful, the kind, the reliever, the avenger, the giver, and the one who takes away, and indeed, Allah does not allow for a soul more than it can bear, and indeed ALLAH allows a test. Will we wallow in sorrow, or will we turn to ALLAH - will we take ONE step, and TRUST, or will we hide in the bushes? Is there a bush behind which he cannot find us? Is there anything we can hide from HIM? No. For all the world, all we have, all we are, is HIS. He gives us choice, and then he acts in accordance with the choice, that HIS WORD stand.
Verily, with hardship, there is relief. (Qur'an 94:6)
As written by http://npmss.blogspot.com/2012/04/verily-with-hardship-there-is-relief.html : “Verily, with hardship, there is relief (94:6)” "Hardships strengthens your heart, atone for your sins, and help to suppress an inclination towards pride and haughtiness. When you are facing trials and obstacles in your life, do not be despair. Call out to Him and pray to Him. Constantly put Him in your remembrance. When you remember Allah, clouds of worry and fear are driven away, and the mountains that make up your problems are blown away. Do not grieve, for you have Allah to depend on.
Anas R.A reported from the Prophet (may Allah bless him and grant him peace), in what he reported from his Lord, the Mighty and Majestic.
He said, “When the salve comes towards Me a hand-span, I go an arms-length towards him. When he comes towards me an arms-length, I go a fathom towards him. When he comes towards Me walking, I go towards him running” (al-Bukhari).
Anas R.A reported from the Prophet (may Allah bless him and grant him peace), in what he reported from his Lord, the Mighty and Majestic.
He said, “When the salve comes towards Me a hand-span, I go an arms-length towards him. When he comes towards me an arms-length, I go a fathom towards him. When he comes towards Me walking, I go towards him running” (al-Bukhari).
Masya’Allah, Allah’s love is truly the greatest and purest and could not be compared to anyone’s love.
Our Prophet s.a.w said: "Verily, if Allah loves a people, He makes them go through trials. Whoever is satisfied, for him is contentment, and whoever is angry upon him is wrath." [Tirmidhi]
Therefore do not be in despair: it is impossible for things to remain the same. The days and years rotate, the future is unseen, and everyday Allah has matters to bring forth. You know it not, but it may be that Allah will afterwards bring some new things to pass.
And verily, with hardship there is ease."
And verily, with hardship there is ease."
Thursday, November 1, 2012
When Enough is Enough..
Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem
This blog post is respestfully uploaded, it does not apply to every man or to every woman, but it is one of the most important, if not THE singularly most important article I've come across to help men who are living under severe emotional abuse.
It is sometimes difficult, if not impossible, to walk out on an abusive spouse, especially if the abuser is the wife, not the husband; there are so many elements to consider, and the abused man is often so torn up and so manipulated by threats that he cannot see a way out. Sometimes even the family has subtly, gradually been brainwashed into thinking that this uncle/brother/nephew would be better off enduring than leaving. But there is no price to the life or the sanity of any human being, it is priceless.
If you know of an uncle/brother/nephew who is living under abuse, read this blog post, and refer them also to resources such as the website www.shrink4men.com. All rights of the writer are herein honoured. This is not my article, the author's name and the aforementioned site are the ones who deserve the credit.
This is a clearly written, well researched and thought out aide for men living with emotional/psychological/physical or other abuse and wondering how (or if) to get out. If you're not ready to leave, read it anyway, and understand that this is based on the experience of hundreds of men who like you, have had to endure, and thought they could never walk out - but did - sometimes before it was too late, sometimes after their lives had almost been lost to the abuse. It's time to break the silence. No domestic abuse can be condoned, wether it is well known or appears, on the surface, to be rare. Life in its raw truth, sadly, is stranger than fiction.
Note: this is not written from an islamic perspective, but from a practical, research based and clinical psychology based perspective.
Here's the article:
Leaving an Abusive Wife: Pre-Divorce Checklist
When a man reaches the point of deciding to divorce an abusive wife, he has typically been thinking, and possibly ruminating over, the possibility for many years. As Dr. T has discussed previously, there are many factors that work against a man’s successful break from a wife who displays a litany of narcissistic or borderline personality traits.Instinctively, he knows that the divorce process will be hell. He might fear losing relationships with his children. Using children as vindictive tools of manipulation is a favorite tactic abusive women employ to keep the husband from leaving her. Alienation campaigns are nearly always used against the man when the couple has children together.
He may fear losing his retirement or his career. He may have bought into the repeated messages he receives from his wife that he’s no good and no one else will put up with him or that he’ll never make it without her. Simply put, a man may spend years wanting to leave and knowing that he should leave, but his fear of unthinkable consequences keeps him stuck. Many men have been in such a state of tortured indecision for 15 or 20 years.
As with any big endeavor, the free floating fear of unknowns can be reduced to a more manageable level with some good information and planning. That holds true for men who are deciding whether to leave an abusive wife or have made the decision, but do not know exactly how to put their decision to action. I have found that my clients fare much better when they have made a few key preparations in advance.
The steps I outline below are helpful for men in this situation for a couple of reasons. First, it gives them something to do, and taking actions (however small) feels like accomplishment; it helps build confidence and it helps men begin to trust their own judgment and decision-making abilities. All of these things are crucial for men who are gaining their independence after being manipulated and oppressed and undermined for years. Taking these steps can also save a great deal of time and money down the road—resources we all need a little more of, and especially significant for men in this situation.
When asked “how” to divorce an abusive wife, Dr. T has previously advised against advance disclosure of your plans to leave. Generally speaking, this is also how I would counsel men to make their exit from an abusive marriage,
and here’s why: Your NPD/BPD wife is much better at the manipulation game than you are. For every one of your maneuvers, she’s got three alternative plans to keep you from succeeding, and she doesn’t even have to think about it—it comes naturally to her and requires no effort on her part.You will not out think her and you will not anticipate the many ways she could screw up your departure. If she senses that you are on your way out, she’ll go into battle mode and manufacture a family emergency or spend all of your money or enlist the kids to lay a gigantic guilt trip on you or any one of countless other tactics. Your best chance for a successful departure is to do your planning without tipping your hand and make your exit before she has an opportunity to manipulate you into staying.
With that advice in mind, here is a checklist of items for men who are preparing to leave an abusive marriage:
1. Gather and copy important papers, and move the copies out of the house and into a secure location. Once your wife suspects that you may leave her, it will become exceedingly difficult to access information that you will need to begin establishing an independent life. Collect records of vital statistics, military records related to benefits and so forth, bank statements, social security statements, information about retirement accounts, vehicle titles, mortgage and loan documents, kids’ school records and contact lists, credit card statements, checkbook, stock certificates, etc.—any papers that are kept in your home that you may conceivably want access to during a divorce process, you should copy and move to a safe deposit box or to your office or some other location away from home where you will be able to access the papers.
2. Open a separate bank account in your name. Stop making deposits into your joint account and keep an eye on your balances in your joint checking and savings accounts. If your wife is planning on leaving or suspects that you are on your way out, more than likely you will see transfers out of your joint accounts. If that happens, it is important that you preserve enough cash for you to be able to make the move and meet expenses for a short time –please speak to a lawyer in your jurisdiction about your rights to money in marital accounts.
In my jurisdiction, I typically advise clients in this situation to withdraw half of the funds in joint accounts if the money is community property and deposit the money in a separate account. Laws differ from state to state, so it’s important that you clear this with an attorney.
3. Arrange for your paycheck to be direct deposited in your separate account. When your paycheck is no longer being deposited into your joint account, your wife will get wise to your plan to leave. Timing is important. Check with your HR department well in advance to find out how long it takes to stop automatic deposits and reroute them to a different account.
4. Start moving small family keepsakes and heirlooms and items of particular personal value to a location away from the marital residence. Consult an attorney in your jurisdiction about this, but in most states property that is inherited or gifted is separate property. If your father left you his antique watch, it’s probably your separate property. The reason to move items of personal or sentimental value is that those are the items that are most likely to be destroyed or “lost” by your NPD/BPD wife in the course of a temper tantrum. She will try to destroy whatever means the most to you—remove such items from her reach to the extent possible.
5. If you keep firearms in the house, remove ammunition from the house and remove or hide the guns. This is going to be the most volatile time of your relationship with a woman who has a history of irrational behavior. This is the most dangerous time for you and you cannot predict what an irrational person will do under such circumstances. Your personal safety must be a primary concern and never taken for granted.
6. If your wife has ever threatened you with false reports of domestic violence, alert law enforcement before you leave and inform them of any past threats of false reports. If she has ever made any kind of hint that she would report you for family violence, do not think she’s bluffing and do not assume she would not go that far. She would. The fact that she even thought to threaten you with such a thing is a big red flag—non-disordered people do not think that way. If she can think it up, she can follow through. Protect yourself.
7. Make a spare set of car keys and give them to a trusted friend or store them in your office or a location to which your wife has no access. If all goes as planned, you will not need your extra set of keys. However, if your wife finds out what you’re up to, expect her to make an all-out effort to thwart your plans, including taking your car or your keys to keep you from leaving. Have a backup plan, just in case.
8. Plan what you’ll say to the kids. If your spouse is physically violent, seek the assistance of an attorney in removing your minor children from a physically abusive parent. Custody matters with minor children require expert assistance. If you have adult children who are living away from home, you can help preserve those relationships by heading off your wife’s inevitable attempts to turn them against you.
You will need to be honest with your children about the circumstances you’ve been enduring—chances are they do not know what’s been happening or the extent of it. Plan what you will say to them–draft a script if that helps. In most situations, it’s best not to tell your adult children that you are leaving until you are out of the house. The first discussion with your adult children should take place as soon as possible after you have actually left.
It’s likely that your adult children are more loyal to their mother than they are to you because your wife has been making negative remarks about you and planting seeds of discord and doubt over the years. If your wife rules the roost, chances are your children are accustomed to doing her bidding and accepting her version of events without question. Do not be surprised if they side with your wife and if at first they don’t believe what you are telling them about the abuse.
Don’t despair and don’t give up—exposure of your wife’s behavior is what is called for. Encourage your adult children to check with you about the truth of anything negative their mother says about you and promise to be honest with them. Eventually, most adult children will begin to see and understand the dynamics and will no longer take as true the negative things that are said about you by your soon-to-be-ex-wife. Give it time, and don’t give up.
9. Hire a lawyer and file for divorce. You may think that once you’re out of the house there’s no rush in filing for divorce or getting the process over with. That kind of thinking is usually a mistake. Once you file for divorce, many jurisdictions have standing court orders that protect your assets while you go through the divorce process—those orders do not take effect until the divorce petition is filed and served on your spouse.
This will (in theory) give you some recourse if your wife behaves badly and destroys property or runs up credit card debt. Also, your wife may not think you’ll actually go through with divorcing her until she is actually served with divorce papers. Actually filing the divorce petition is a very strong boundary that you can establish right away. If you have hired a lawyer, you can avoid contact with your wife by deflecting communications to your lawyer. Remember, she is still trying to engage you so that she can maintain her control over you. If you have little to no contact with her, she cannot regain her footing or exercise any control over you.
10. Disengage. End all contact with your abusive wife. This is really hard, so be prepared to struggle with this one. You will feel compelled to speak with her. You will feel extreme anxiety if you do not pick up the phone when she calls. Even if you hate it, it is difficult to break this pattern, but it is imperative that you figure out how to stick to it.
You may have to have some ongoing contact because of minor children. It is helpful to some men to have a list of canned replies that can be given in response to attempts to engage you and draw you into conversations. For instance: ”I will not discuss our property division with you, the lawyers will sort it out” or “The children will be available to be picked up at 6:00 on Friday at my mother’s house; please be on time.” You get the idea.
If you must communicate, keep it very short and limited to business and get out of the conversation after you have delivered your communication. You do not have to listen to what a sorry jerk you are. You do not have to explain yourself or make your wife understand your position—there is nothing productive that can come from such conversations.
11. Tell it like it really is. You’ve probably become an expert at making excuses for your wife’s behavior and hiding the truth from everyone outside of your marriage. Now it’s time to expose what’s really been going on. That’s not to say that it’s wise to parade around with a victim sign across your chest, but now it’s important that you face the truth yourself.
It may also be necessary to expose the truth in situations where your wife embarks on a smear campaign against you. It’s not uncommon for this type of woman to tell lies about you to your family members (her in-laws), your children, the kids’ teachers, your mutual friends, the parents of your kids’ playmates, therapists, pediatricians, social workers and whoever else will listen. You can defend yourself by exposing the truth. This is especially important in the legal context—it’s crucial that you control misinformation that could negatively affect you in court.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Character & Happiness in the home
Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem
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| CHARACTER AND TRUE LOVE GO HAND IN HAND http://www.buzzfeed.com/summeranne/the-50-most-romantic-photographs-of-all-time |
The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) recommended that muslims choose their spouses according to their character, so that they can help one another to grow in their deen, and so that they can provide a positive example to those who will become the spouses of tomorrow.
Bad character and a strong deen are like oil and water. They don't mix, and they don't occur naturally. Pouring oil into drinking water only serves to kill all life within the water.
Character doesn't change.
Things change; money comes and goes, people have more or have less in later years, people move homes, change jobs, adapt to many things; children are more demanding or easier as they grow, jobs and friends and neighbours change. But character? Character is the ROCK that will either stand a marriage on solid ground or become the proverbial stone in the shoe that leads to endless misery. Not just for the spouse, but for those exposed to bad character, or worse, abuse from someone with bad character. Endless misery is not what Allah (swt) wants for his servants, so he says.
"Women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity."(Quran 24:26)
Our Nabi saw advised that there are four reasons why a woman may be chosen as a spouse. Then, he ranked character above all, for character and deen "grow" hand in hand. -
"A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, for her rank, for her beauty, and for her religion (and character), so marry the one who is best in the religion and character and prosper." (Bukhari and Muslim)
Character is the ground upon which marriage is built. Some people go into marriage thinking "aisle change him/her". This is not good character; this is a hidden agenda. Acceptance and love cannot foster here. Similarly, many people live lives of Survival, not living, in abusive marriages, erroneously believing that this was "given" to them to build their character. It doesn't occur to them that if Allah permitted it, maybe Allah was asking - Are you ready to give that up to serve ME or will you serve the whims of her/him. Many muslims abused (wives or husbands) by their spouse (husbands or wife) think that they are meant to eternally make sabr, so as to build their character, when in fact, their character is being broken down each day; this is the lie abusers want you to believe.
The point of marriage is to fulfill one's deen. Marriage is HALF of one's deen because it is through this half that the other half is cultivated, or destroyed.
Marriage should provide the peaceful and supportive framework to:
1. safeguard one from sin, providing the love needed that neither spouse feels compelled to lift their gaze to another
2. be the basis upon which to teach children the principles of Islam as per the Quran and Nabi (saw)
3. be the living example of what a spouse should be - children learn more from observing their parents than a thousand lectures
4. be a place where the spouses can enjoy one another in a halaal way, expressing their physical, emotional, mental and spiritual selves comfortably without being judged or put down
Character doesn't change. Nature and nurture both contribute to character of every individual, yet the essentials of character are usually set in un-alterable clay very early in life. Everyone's character has different strengths and different weaknesses, but it's important to know that if there is more of the BAD than the GOOD, this can make for a home of misery.
SO WHAT IS CHARACTER? -
A Good character is comprised of 6 pillars: Trustworthiness, Respect, Responsability, Fairness, Caring, and Citizenship.
Define the character, define the home:
Within a marriage and a family character is more important than ANYWHERE else. Some aspects of character are not negotiable in a relationship - look for goodness of character when you choose a spouse, or consider the evil of character if you need to go the Khula/Talaq root - Let's take a closer look:
The dealbreakers in a marriage and in a family:
- honesty
- loyalty
- consideration
- good manners These are all aspects of TRUSTWORTHINESS
Where there is no trust, this is the home of disloyalty, cheating, lying, VERBAL & PSYCHOLOGICAL manipulation.
Love cannot exist where there is no respect. Every spouse must:
- be considerate of the feelings of others
- NOT threaten
- NOT hit
- NOT hurt (with actions or words) This is called RESPECT
Where there is no respect, this is the home of shouting, raised voices, throwing objects, belittling. Without respect, this is the home of EMOTIONAL,VERBAL AND PHYSICAL abuse. If you're looking at a spouse, consider the way a man treats his mother, and consider a way a girl treats her father. Then look at who their friends are, what company they keep - this will give you a good indication of their character. Look at the roles within her/his family - this will give you a good idea of what to expect, when all else fails.
Every human being should:
- be self-controled (it differentiates us from animals)
- Keep promises they make (it means we can be relied upon)
- THINK before they speak (it means we respect the other person and ourselves)
- Be made accountable for their actions (it means we know boundaries and know that every action has a consequence!)
This is called RESPONSIBILITY
Where there is no responsibility, this is the home of a DEEN-LESS lifestyle, where people don't pray, don't respect the space and thoughts of others, don't keep time, don't keep fast, don't bother with Taqwa or piety or Sharia. Without RESPONSIBILITY, this is the home of the KAFFIR, for without responsibility, there can be no submission to Allah.
Unless you live it, you cannot teach children (with words) to:
- Play by the rules (it demands accountability and respect)
- Take turns to share (it demands kindness which is a form of respect)
- Listen and be open minded (it requires respect and holding of the tongue!)
- Not blame others carelessly (the opposite is abusive behaviour, ranging from derrogatory comments to laughing at others, to hitting, punishing, and hurting)
This is called FAIRNESS
Without fairness, there can be no Sharia, for there would be no respect for rules. Without fairness, there can be no kindness, no love for the Nabi (saw) for there is no willing spirit to listen and learn. Without FAIRNESS, this is the home of complete Abuse on every level; emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, financial and spiritual. Without FAIRNESS this is the home of CHAOS.
Every spouse must be:
- Kind
- Compassionate
- Considerate and caring for the other's needs
- Grateful
This is called CARING. One cannot claim to love, or even to care about anything or anyone except one's own self if without dollops of these attributes. LOVE itself is all these things and more.. The home in which a spouse has no caring in their character is a home of the tumbleweed, where it's "each for their own self". It is the home of the selfish person, where the abuse is called NEGLECT.
Every person, adult and child, needs to belong to something:
- Do your share
- Get involved
- Take instruction
- Believe in something (or fall for anything)
This is called CITIZENSHIP
All too often, Citizenship is all there is; spouses are involved in the community (separately OR together). They are seen as examples of all that's good because they talk a good talk. The children are well behaved and take instruction, and they are seen to "fit the mould". When this is the only portion of character that remains, this is the home of the AUTOCRAT - the one who bangs his/her fist on the table and says we "WILL" do this. This is the spouse who makes the plans without respect for the other, who does and undoes without accountability, who doesn't think before he/she speaks. Without REAL citizenship; where a facade is being kept, without real belief based on real practice of dean and real accountability and real kindness, and real responsibility - this is the home of the HYPOCRITE.
*****
Note: One can pretend to be all these but ALLAH is watching and HE cannot be deceived
- as the saying goes -
"you can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool EVERYONE ALL the time."
A home where one spouse is low on any or many of these pillars of character is a home open to abuse, faithlessness, godlessness (in varying levels) - it is a home where kindness is "for show" , where everyone puts on a happy face but when the door closes the shouting, pushing, punching begins. CHARACTER governs your home - the character of the dominant individual governs your LIFE and your children's future.
So choose carefully - This is why the lesson of the Nabi (saw) is SO CRITICAL _ "marry those of good religion and character"
Hundreds of years before the world's psychologists came up with the six pillars of character, our Nabi (saw) made it simple -
MARRY THOSE OF GOOD CHARACTER.
******
Character and the child:
The home is the most important space for children; it is here that the spouses of tomorrow are made. Children become what they see, or what they rebel against. Without question and without fail. Abuse in a home breeds abusers or victims; seldom does a child raised in abuse grow with GOOD CHARACTER.
A peaceful home that gently and with kindness resolves its differences breeds character that is able to confront, able to set boundaries and able to love. Character goes beyond the confines even of the human body. It is better to find a character match even though physically disabled than to be the best of all humanity in looks and finance yet be rotten to the core within, or to the spouse.
There are many matchmakers out there who match people up depending on culture or community or worse, finances (astaghfirullah) alone. On there door lies the blame for much misery. In Islam, we need to trust those who know us best to match us best, and then, we as indviduals make the final choice.
"No man has the right to be in the privacy with a woman who is not lawful for him. Satan is their third party unless there is a mahram." (Ahmad)
Character & Talaq/ Khula
There are times when irreconcilable differences exist due to desires and wishes that don't match. These can be tweaked by a couple, one spouse adjusting a little for the other and vice-versa. Reaching understandings and making sabr. But where character leads to abuse, there is absolutely no compulsion for anyone to sacrifice their deen or their psychological being. Islam does not demand endurance to the death in the instance of abuse or oppression. Why? Because the greater good is the future, and it is more important to bring up children in a place of safety, teaching them what to be like and what they should permit (or not), which teaches Taqwa, than to teach sacrifice to anything or anyone.
The BEST of Character: Prophet Muhammad (saw)
'Abdullah ibn 'Amr ibn al-'As said, "The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, was neither obscene nor indecent. He used to say, 'The best of you are the best in character." [Agreed upon]
Abu'd-Darda' reported that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "There will be nothing heavier in the balance of the believer on the Day of Rising than good character. Allah dislikes foul language." [at-Tirmidhi]
Abu Hurayra said, "The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, was asked about the things most likely to bring people into the Garden. He said, 'Fearful awareness of Allah and good character.' He was asked about the things most likely to bring people into the Fire. He said, 'The mouth and the genitals.'" [at-Tirmidhi]
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PIOUS
TO BE KIND
- but it takes a muslim to want to be both
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PIOUS TO
RAISE CHILDREN OF GOOD CHARACTER
...but you have to have the Taqwa to seek a spouse that will help you do it..
....and you have to be brave enough to not give up their future for your present...
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