Chains that bind

Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem

In cases of abuse, it is not uncommon for the abused to stay in the situation for prolonged periods of time (sometimes indefinately) for reasons ranging from fear of society to fear of the abuser to fears instilled BY the abuser that the children will not be looked after, etc. etc. It is also true as studies have shown that when the abused or abuser leaves for any period of time (or permanently) there is an adjustment period akin to drug withdrawal. Why? Because the victim has become wrapped in the tentacles of oppression so far that when the pressure is off, they have "phantom pains".. the chemicals are out of balance. This is why psychological abuse is worse than physical. Bruises heal. Emotions and the psyche may never recover..

To help victims regain their balance and sense of self-worth one must seek first to help them understand the chains that bind, then let them decide. AFter all, why would they stay? What binds them? These chains that bind are called Traumatic Bonding.

Traumatic bonding is defined as “strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other.” (Dutton & Painter, 1981). 

As any abused person will know, the abuser seeks to control, undermine and dictate life (pretty much) to the abused. The cycles of abuse followed by kindness create a cycle of altered chemical states and emotional states, a "rollercoaster" if you will, to which the abused may become accustomed and even, chemically, addicted. Victims "need" the drama, eventually, and this simply contributes to more abuse. One of the biggest lies of the Shaytaan, I believe, is that anyone deserves abuse or anyone must stay in an oppressive environment. I will be posting an article documenting several studies on abuse recently undertaken for men who are abused by their partners. In the meantime, ARE YOU TRAUMATICALLY BONDED? Take this self-help test.. (Copyright to Patrcik Carnes, Ph.D.) Answer yes or no to the questions..

Traumatic Bonding Self Test

By Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.

The following are a series of statements which describe traumatic bonding in which a person bonds on the basis of betrayal. The result is what we call a "betrayal bond". Check each "Yes" response as appropriate.

 

1)Do you obsess about people who have hurt you even through they are long gone?

2)Do you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain?

3)Do you go "overboard" to help people who have been destructive to you?

4)Do you continue to be a "team" member when obviously things are becoming destructive?

5)Do you continue attempts to get people to like you who are clearly using you?

6)Do you trust people again and again who are proven to be unreliable?

7)Are you unable to retreat from unhealthy relationships?

8)Do you try to be understood by those who clearly do not care?

9)Do you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away?

10)Do you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen?

....

11)Are you loyal to people who have betrayed you?

12)Do you attract untrustworthy people?

13)Have you kept damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse?

14)Do you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility?

15)Do you find yourself covering up, defending, or explaining a relationship?

16)When there is a constant pattern of non-performance in a relationship, do you continue to expect them to follow through anyway?

17)Do you have repetitive, destructive fights that are no win for anybody?

18)Do you find that others are horrified by something that has happened to you and you are not?

19)Do you obsess about showing someone that they are wrong about you, your relationship, or their treatment of you?

.....

20)Do you feel stuck because you know what the other is doing is destructive, but you believe you cannot do anything about it?

21)Do you feel loyal to someone even though you harbor secrets that are damaging to others?

22)Do you move closer to someone you know is destructive to you even though you do not trust, like or care for the person?

23)Does someone's talents, charisma, or contributions cause you to overlook destructive, exploitive, or degrading acts?

24)Do you find you cannot detach from someone even though you do not trust, like or care for the person?

25)Do you find yourself missing a relationship, even to the point of nostalgia and longing, that was so awful it almost destroyed you?

26)Are extraordinary demands placed on you to measure up as a way to cover up exploitation?

27)Do you keep secret someone's destructive behavior because of all of the good they have done or the importance of their position or career?

28)Does your relationship have contacts or promises that have been broken which you are asked to overlook?

29)Are you attracted to "dangerous" people?

30)Do you stay in a relationship longer than you should?

(PLEASE SEE BELOW FOR FURTHER QUESTIONS)

If you have answered yes to several of these questions, you may want to schedule an initial assessment to explore further any concerns that were raised.

For more information about Insideout Living, Inc. and therapy options, visit

http://www.insideoutlivinginc.org.

Traumatic Bonding Self Test

By Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.

Provided by

Insideout Living, Inc.

1618 Orrington Ave., Ste. 202

Evanston, IL 60201

(847) 328-7588

info@insideoutlivinginc.org


MY QUESTIONS to you, having read the above, are this:

1) Do you fear the abuser more than Allah?
2) Do you believe you will be powerless to help your children because of this abuser? IF so, read question 1 again.
3) Do you fear loosing what you have worked for because of this abuser? IF so, read question 1 again.
4) Do you think there is nothing you can do to get out? IF so, read question 1 again.

5) Do you trust your own ability more than you trust ALLAH?
6) Do you keep hoping things will change, because you don't want to face the alternative, the community, the aloneness? IF so, read question 5 again.
7) Do you fear that its too late to start over? If so, read question 5 again.
8) Do you believe no-one will love you if you let go and walk away? If so, read question 5 again.

9) Do you believe the Shaytaan, or do you believe ALLAH is AL RAHMAAN, AL RAHEEM?
10) Do you fear the abuser will destroy your reputation with your kids/your community/your family? If so, read question 9 again.
11) Do you fear that it will take too long/ be too difficult/ to start over, away from the abuser due to your age/their finances/family/community? If so, read question 9 again.

12) Do you believe the abuser is right about you, do you believe you are worthless, incapable, unable to live/thrive/ have dignity without them? IF SO - YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN YOUR KALIMA,  If ALLAH does not allow oppression, who are YOU to allow it, even over your OWN self, which is given to you in Amaana?

Please note - I am a women. I am not an abuser. Lots of us aren't. Lots of us are. Chose carefully.

ALLAH

QURAN

MUHAMMAD (saw)

HADITH

SUNNAT

then.. subr.. IN THAT ORDER.

When Enough is Enough..

Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem

This blog post is respestfully uploaded, it does not apply to every man or to every woman, but it is one of the most important, if not THE singularly most important article I've come across to help men who are living under severe emotional abuse.

It is sometimes difficult, if not impossible, to walk out on an abusive spouse, especially if the abuser is the wife, not the husband; there are so many elements to consider, and the abused man is often so torn up and so manipulated by threats that he cannot see a way out. Sometimes even the family has subtly, gradually been brainwashed into thinking that this uncle/brother/nephew would be better off enduring than leaving. But there is no price to the life or the sanity of any human being, it is priceless.

If you know of an uncle/brother/nephew who is living under abuse, read this blog post, and refer them also to resources such as the website www.shrink4men.com. All rights of the writer are herein honoured. This is not my article, the author's name and the aforementioned site are the ones who deserve the credit.

This is a clearly written, well researched and thought out aide for men living with emotional/psychological/physical or other abuse and wondering how (or if) to get out. If you're not ready to leave, read it anyway, and understand that this is based on the experience of hundreds of men who like you, have had to endure, and thought they could never walk out - but did - sometimes before it was too late, sometimes after their lives had almost been lost to the abuse. It's time to break the silence. No domestic abuse can be condoned, wether it is well known or appears, on the surface, to be rare. Life in its raw truth, sadly, is stranger than fiction.

Note: this is not written from an islamic perspective, but from a practical, research based and clinical psychology based perspective.

Here's the article:

Leaving an Abusive Wife: Pre-Divorce Checklist

Written by Natalie Malonis on October 27, 2010 -
   

When a man reaches the point of deciding to divorce an abusive wife, he has typically been thinking, and possibly ruminating over, the possibility for many years. As Dr. T has discussed previously, there are many factors that work against a man’s successful break from a wife who displays a litany of narcissistic or borderline personality traits.
Instinctively, he knows that the divorce process will be hell. He might fear losing relationships with his children. Using children as vindictive tools of manipulation is a favorite tactic abusive women employ to keep the husband from leaving her. Alienation campaigns are nearly always used against the man when the couple has children together.
He may fear losing his retirement or his career. He may have bought into the repeated messages he receives from his wife that he’s no good and no one else will put up with him or that he’ll never make it without her. Simply put, a man may spend years wanting to leave and knowing that he should leave, but his fear of unthinkable consequences keeps him stuck. Many men have been in such a state of tortured indecision for 15 or 20 years.
As with any big endeavor, the free floating fear of unknowns can be reduced to a more manageable level with some good information and planning. That holds true for men who are deciding whether to leave an abusive wife or have made the decision, but do not know exactly how to put their decision to action. I have found that my clients fare much better when they have made a few key preparations in advance.
The steps I outline below are helpful for men in this situation for a couple of reasons. First, it gives them something to do, and taking actions (however small) feels like accomplishment; it helps build confidence and it helps men begin to trust their own judgment and decision-making abilities. All of these things are crucial for men who are gaining their independence after being manipulated and oppressed and undermined for years. Taking these steps can also save a great deal of time and money down the road—resources we all need a little more of, and especially significant for men in this situation.
When asked “how” to divorce an abusive wife, Dr. T has previously advised against advance disclosure of your plans to leave. Generally speaking, this is also how I would counsel men to make their exit from an abusive marriage, and here’s why: Your NPD/BPD wife is much better at the manipulation game than you are. For every one of your maneuvers, she’s got three alternative plans to keep you from succeeding, and she doesn’t even have to think about it—it comes naturally to her and requires no effort on her part.
You will not out think her and you will not anticipate the many ways she could screw up your departure. If she senses that you are on your way out, she’ll go into battle mode and manufacture a family emergency or spend all of your money or enlist the kids to lay a gigantic guilt trip on you or any one of countless other tactics. Your best chance for a successful departure is to do your planning without tipping your hand and make your exit before she has an opportunity to manipulate you into staying.
With that advice in mind, here is a checklist of items for men who are preparing to leave an abusive marriage:
1. Gather and copy important papers, and move the copies out of the house and into a secure location. Once your wife suspects that you may leave her, it will become exceedingly difficult to access information that you will need to begin establishing an independent life. Collect records of vital statistics, military records related to benefits and so forth, bank statements, social security statements, information about retirement accounts, vehicle titles, mortgage and loan documents, kids’ school records and contact lists, credit card statements, checkbook, stock certificates, etc.—any papers that are kept in your home that you may conceivably want access to during a divorce process, you should copy and move to a safe deposit box or to your office or some other location away from home where you will be able to access the papers.
2. Open a separate bank account in your name. Stop making deposits into your joint account and keep an eye on your balances in your joint checking and savings accounts. If your wife is planning on leaving or suspects that you are on your way out, more than likely you will see transfers out of your joint accounts. If that happens, it is important that you preserve enough cash for you to be able to make the move and meet expenses for a short time –please speak to a lawyer in your jurisdiction about your rights to money in marital accounts.
In my jurisdiction, I typically advise clients in this situation to withdraw half of the funds in joint accounts if the money is community property and deposit the money in a separate account. Laws differ from state to state, so it’s important that you clear this with an attorney.
3. Arrange for your paycheck to be direct deposited in your separate account. When your paycheck is no longer being deposited into your joint account, your wife will get wise to your plan to leave. Timing is important. Check with your HR department well in advance to find out how long it takes to stop automatic deposits and reroute them to a different account.
4. Start moving small family keepsakes and heirlooms and items of particular personal value to a location away from the marital residence. Consult an attorney in your jurisdiction about this, but in most states property that is inherited or gifted is separate property. If your father left you his antique watch, it’s probably your separate property. The reason to move items of personal or sentimental value is that those are the items that are most likely to be destroyed or “lost” by your NPD/BPD wife in the course of a temper tantrum. She will try to destroy whatever means the most to you—remove such items from her reach to the extent possible.
5. If you keep firearms in the house, remove ammunition from the house and remove or hide the guns. This is going to be the most volatile time of your relationship with a woman who has a history of irrational behavior. This is the most dangerous time for you and you cannot predict what an irrational person will do under such circumstances. Your personal safety must be a primary concern and never taken for granted.
6. If your wife has ever threatened you with false reports of domestic violence, alert law enforcement before you leave and inform them of any past threats of false reports. If she has ever made any kind of hint that she would report you for family violence, do not think she’s bluffing and do not assume she would not go that far. She would. The fact that she even thought to threaten you with such a thing is a big red flag—non-disordered people do not think that way. If she can think it up, she can follow through. Protect yourself.
7. Make a spare set of car keys and give them to a trusted friend or store them in your office or a location to which your wife has no access. If all goes as planned, you will not need your extra set of keys. However, if your wife finds out what you’re up to, expect her to make an all-out effort to thwart your plans, including taking your car or your keys to keep you from leaving. Have a backup plan, just in case.
8. Plan what you’ll say to the kids. If your spouse is physically violent, seek the assistance of an attorney in removing your minor children from a physically abusive parent. Custody matters with minor children require expert assistance. If you have adult children who are living away from home, you can help preserve those relationships by heading off your wife’s inevitable attempts to turn them against you.
You will need to be honest with your children about the circumstances you’ve been enduring—chances are they do not know what’s been happening or the extent of it. Plan what you will say to them–draft a script if that helps. In most situations, it’s best not to tell your adult children that you are leaving until you are out of the house. The first discussion with your adult children should take place as soon as possible after you have actually left.
It’s likely that your adult children are more loyal to their mother than they are to you because your wife has been making negative remarks about you and planting seeds of discord and doubt over the years. If your wife rules the roost, chances are your children are accustomed to doing her bidding and accepting her version of events without question. Do not be surprised if they side with your wife and if at first they don’t believe what you are telling them about the abuse.
Don’t despair and don’t give up—exposure of your wife’s behavior is what is called for. Encourage your adult children to check with you about the truth of anything negative their mother says about you and promise to be honest with them. Eventually, most adult children will begin to see and understand the dynamics and will no longer take as true the negative things that are said about you by your soon-to-be-ex-wife. Give it time, and don’t give up.
9. Hire a lawyer and file for divorce. You may think that once you’re out of the house there’s no rush in filing for divorce or getting the process over with. That kind of thinking is usually a mistake. Once you file for divorce, many jurisdictions have standing court orders that protect your assets while you go through the divorce process—those orders do not take effect until the divorce petition is filed and served on your spouse.
This will (in theory) give you some recourse if your wife behaves badly and destroys property or runs up credit card debt. Also, your wife may not think you’ll actually go through with divorcing her until she is actually served with divorce papers. Actually filing the divorce petition is a very strong boundary that you can establish right away. If you have hired a lawyer, you can avoid contact with your wife by deflecting communications to your lawyer. Remember, she is still trying to engage you so that she can maintain her control over you. If you have little to no contact with her, she cannot regain her footing or exercise any control over you.
10. Disengage. End all contact with your abusive wife. This is really hard, so be prepared to struggle with this one. You will feel compelled to speak with her. You will feel extreme anxiety if you do not pick up the phone when she calls. Even if you hate it, it is difficult to break this pattern, but it is imperative that you figure out how to stick to it.
You may have to have some ongoing contact because of minor children. It is helpful to some men to have a list of canned replies that can be given in response to attempts to engage you and draw you into conversations. For instance: ”I will not discuss our property division with you, the lawyers will sort it out” or “The children will be available to be picked up at 6:00 on Friday at my mother’s house; please be on time.” You get the idea.
If you must communicate, keep it very short and limited to business and get out of the conversation after you have delivered your communication. You do not have to listen to what a sorry jerk you are. You do not have to explain yourself or make your wife understand your position—there is nothing productive that can come from such conversations.
11. Tell it like it really is. You’ve probably become an expert at making excuses for your wife’s behavior and hiding the truth from everyone outside of your marriage. Now it’s time to expose what’s really been going on. That’s not to say that it’s wise to parade around with a victim sign across your chest, but now it’s important that you face the truth yourself.
It may also be necessary to expose the truth in situations where your wife embarks on a smear campaign against you. It’s not uncommon for this type of woman to tell lies about you to your family members (her in-laws), your children, the kids’ teachers, your mutual friends, the parents of your kids’ playmates, therapists, pediatricians, social workers and whoever else will listen. You can defend yourself by exposing the truth. This is especially important in the legal context—it’s crucial that you control misinformation that could negatively affect you in court.

Stop & prevent cancer - a highly possible cure!

And now for something completely different - Ginger.

There is much information in Islam concerning the benefits of herbs . One herb that stands out head and shoulders about the rest is definately ginger.

The root of much healing, (pardon the pun) ginger is not just used for adding flavour and spice to your food or zing to your tea. There are many articles written on ginger so I won't repeat those; here's a quick list of ginger's many benefits:

Taken internally (as a tissane, in tablet form or in tonic form)

• It's a health tomic
• It cleans the blood
• Treats ovarian cancer:  
• A study conducted at the University of Michigan Comprehensive Cancer Center has found that injesting ginger powder induces cell death in ALL ovarian cancer cells to which it was applied.
• Prevents Colon Cancer
• A study at the University of Minnesota has found that ginger may slow the growth of colorectal cancer cells. (additional studies are taking place around the world)
• Prevents kidney damage, particularly in diabetic patients (okay the studies so far have been in rats but there's certainly no harm trying, is there!) This form of kidney damage is known as Diabetic Nephropathy
• Treats Prostate Cancer
• Ginger may cure prostate cancer completely as its been proved to kill certain enzymes without which prostate cancer cells die within hours
• Stopping cancer: - a component of ginger has now been proven to SLOW the spread of and even STOP cancer cells dead in their tracks. It's so effective that some oncologists now give patients ginger extracts along with their cocktail of medications, to assist with recovery from chemotherapy or radiation treatment
• Soothes arthritis & chronic aches and pains. - because its an anti-inflamatory it calms the inflamation caused in the joints, if taken daily
• Reduces brain inflamation  (say what?!) Yep! Neuropaths have started using it to reduce inflamation in the brain. It's so effective that it has been said to be eqiivalent if not better than IBUPROFEN, without the side-effects to kidneys, liver and intestines
• Boosts the immune system.
• Nuclear Fall-out First aid - taken daily, ginger clears up radiation. With nuclear energy being quite possibly a solution to the world's energy crises, it's great to know theres a litte root that will do what many meds simply cannot!
• Eases morning sickness - I practically lived on jamaican ginger extract and ginger cookies in my 2nd month of pregnancy, so I can certainly attest to this one!. apparently several studies have now proven what our grandmothers have said for ages!
• Eases motion sickness - take it when heading to a boat, plane, or on a long car journey. Call me in the morning . *Just kidding, but DO let me know if it worked for you.
• Relieves Heartburn - this one, was a surprise. I'd have thought it was too acidic. Guess I was wrong!
• Prevents colds and flu's
• Treats stomach flu or "gastro"
• Treats food poisioning (well okay, it cleans radiation so this makes sense!)
• Relieves Migraines (gotta try this one!) - apparently the relief is due to its ability to inhibit prostaglandins from causing pain and inflammation in the blood vessels. Subhaan'Allah!
• Relieves menstrual cramps - next time you want to have a cup of chamomile tea, add some ginger!
• Prevents and treats cholesterol
• Youth Elixir for the skin  - I just know the sisters will love this one, and why not the brothers, too? Apparently ginger can greatly rejuvenate your skin when applied topically, and HAS A LIGHTENING EFFECT! Now I know what's in those wonderful creams from Dubai long with improving cramping, another one of the benefits of ginger is that when applied topically, it can greatly rejuvenate your skin. In order to use the spice to lighten your skin and make it appear more rejuvenated, begin by mixing Epsom salt, lime juice, and chopped ginger together. After microwaving the concoction for a short period of time, gently apply the mix to your skin and let it sit before rinsing it off with warm water. When performed regularly, this can lighten your skin and make it appear more youthful.

Just for fun - check out this blog and see how Mina Joshi makes pickled ginger! Visit her blog only when you have time - you are bound to get lost in the very many yummy treats she has on there!

http://www.givemesomespice.com/2010/07/ginger-pickled-in-lemon-salt-turmeric.html